Ep #148: 3 Stages of Not Giving a F*ck

Hey, you’re listening to episode 148, and this one comes with a content warning right out of the gate. Plug any sensitive ears because this is the one where you stop giving a fuck. All right, let’s go.

Welcome to The Confident Coaches Podcast, a place for creating the self-confidence you need to do your best work as a life coach. If you want to bring more boldness, more resilience, and more joy to your work, this is the place for you. I’m your host, Amy Latta. Let’s dive in.

Coach, coach, coach, how you doing out there? I’m doing fabulous. And listen, I want to be really direct and just cut to the chase because this episode, here’s the funny thing, I just created the idea of it literally this morning. But I’m realizing that it has been in the works in my brain since probably the beginning of this year. And that is about the three stages of not giving a fuck.

You’re like, what? What’s happening. It’s all going to come really, really clear. So first of all let’s just start right out of the gate of like not giving a fuck what people think of you. Like not giving a fuck about the conversations people are having about you, what they think of you, how they’re going to react to you.

This is what we’re talking about in this episode, why it’s so important. And this is also a follow up on a couple of previous episodes. This is a follow up on last week’s episode, my interview with Victoria Albina, that was episode 147. This is also a follow up on my episode 142 about my journey through the goo.

And so if you listened to my journey through the goo, then you already know that there has been a series of work that I’ve been doing all of this year. You do not need to have already listened to those episodes to dive into this one, but if you haven’t listened to 142 or 147, after you listen to this on go back to those two so that you get the bigger picture.

Because not giving a fuck is going to change not just your business, it’s going to change your fucking life, man. it’s going to change everything. It’s going to alter in the best possible way all of your relationships. Your relationship with money. Your relationship with your business. Your relationship with your spouse, significant other, your mother, your in-laws, your best friend, your clients. It’s going to change your relationship with you.

It might be our greatest life work to learn how to not give a fuck That is how important this conversation is. And I know I’m saying it very flippantly, like I don’t give a fuck what people think about me. I’m not talking about that kind of energy, but about truly having zero energy going towards what other people think of you will actually make all of those relationships better.

Okay, so let’s dive into what the three stages of not giving a fuck are so that you can really see what’s happening in each one and what you can expect to see changing. Okay? So the first one is, I really think the first stage of not giving a fuck is understanding that that’s even a thing.

To me this is the there are no rules and there is no judgment, a concept that I have taught literally for four and a half years on the podcast and in all of my free trainings. Like even knowing that this is an option and upon knowing that it’s an option it becomes an idea that you are trying to live by. It becomes, you know, first it’s brand new news that you can be a person who doesn’t care what other people think.

Like the first time this was big news that there are rules that you’ve been following, these rules are made up. You know, a rule is just a thought that someone had and the bulk of society decided to all agree with that same thought. And that just because the collective decided that these were rules that we should follow doesn’t mean you actually have to.

And then it really entails your understanding about judgment. That we can’t actually feel the judgment of others. That people may talk about us, they might have thoughts and feelings about us. But them judging us is what they are feeling, not necessarily what we are feeling.

Anytime we feel judged, a judgment is a feeling and how we feel comes from what we think, not from what other people think. People can’t project their judgment of you onto you. You get to decide whether you actually feel judged by them, right? That right there is huge news, and that to me is the first stage. You now have the awareness of and now you’re going to try to live by it.

So this is where you start floating out some of those big bold ideas that you’ve had, but you’ve been a little worried about. This is where you are doing a lot of thought work around, is that a fact or is that a thought? Is that just a thought that we are collectively calling a rule? Or is that actually factual?

So in your business, is it true that you have to show up to your coaching calls professionally dressed like a million dollar earner every single time? Or does your version of million dollar earner wear cut off shorts and a tank top when they show up to coach? Maybe it does. Is that really a rule you have to follow?

So stage one really is trying to live by this new information that there are no rules and there is no judgment. But you’re constantly in a new awareness state of you’re identifying more and more ways that this shows up with you and getting coached on it.

This might be where you stop worrying about whether or not your spouse or your husband is supporting you in your business the way that you want them to. You’re no longer making whether or not they’re sharing your business posts with their friends mean, oh, they support me, they don’t support me.

So these are some of the ways that you start showing up just a little bit differently. You’re feeling a little bit more confident here, you’re finding your own two feet here. You know, it’s something that you’re trying to live by. You’re falling and you’re tripping around on this new concept way more than you’re actually living by it, but you have a full awareness of it and you’re learning how to become a person and a coach who lives by the there are no rules and there is no judgment motto that we have around here.

It can be a little bit messy. But it also can be a whole heck of a lot of fun. You start discovering a lot more about who you are versus about how you’re trying to be for other people. It’s a huge stage of self-discovery and a huge stage of awareness. And lots of, oh, I see it now. Oh, I never thought about it that way. This can really be a very, very exciting stage with a whole lot of discomfort because you are also identifying thoughts you’ve just never shined a light on before.

So it’s a really fun, very explorative time. And in this first stage, some of you are already here because you’ve been following me for a while and you’re well versed in my there are no rules and there is no judgment. Some of you are just trying to get to that place of like, can I really act that way? So this is your invitation, yes, you can. Come join us in stage one, it’s a heck of a lot of fun, you for sure want to be with us to coach with us because you’re going to have all kinds of fun stuff come up in your head.

Let’s be honest, it’s not fun stuff, it’s all kinds of shit come up in your head and you’re going to need coaching on it. So make sure you have a great community like Free To Paid Coach to help you through stage one and really find your feet here and really become this person who understands this. And you can have so much more forward movement as you try to incorporate more of it into your life.

So stage one is not giving a fuck as a belief you’re trying to live by more than you ever have before. Now, the next stage is a stage that I would say I’ve been in for probably the past couple of years. And this is that stage where more often than not I don’t care what people think about me. So if the first stage is like more often than not I am still caring and I’m trying to live by it more and more. I would say the second stage is, this is a place that I more often than not am operating from.

So this is the stage that I have been for the past few years and where most of my business growth has come in this stage. This is where most of my big leaps have come from. This is where I’ve said things more boldly than I’ve ever said them before. And lots of people have told me, at this point in the game lots of people have told me what they think about what I’m saying, when they don’t agree with me, when they are unhappy with me.

And the first time those things happened I got that big jolt of like emotional lightning in my body and I really hated it. And now I’m able to respond to them in such a better way of not making them wrong and not making me wrong.

There’s a podcast episode where I talked about how to take constructive criticism. How not to make them wrong, where might they be correct? What might they see that I don’t see? What might I see that they don’t see? And really becoming a person who can take that feedback and grow from it, but not make what those people say about us, either to our face or find out that they’re talking about us behind our back, not making that mean anything negative to you.

It’s a really fun place of not giving a fuck what others think because you’re still actually really engaged with what other people think of you, but you’re learning from it as opposed to shutting down from it. And I’m going to be honest with you, I did kind of think this was the pinnacle. I really did. I thought, oh, I just keep doing more and more and more of this.

I don’t know if you all remember back in 2019, you may not have been around in 2019. But if you were following me back in 2019 I actually took a trip to Positano, Italy. And one of the days we walked the path of the gods outside of Positano and I had this whole thing about leaving my fucks on the mountain.

The coach that I was with at the time, she said, “There’s something that you’ve been carrying with you, I want you to leave it on this trail today. And then we’re going to celebrate it and we’re going to coach on it later.” And I realized I just left all my fucks, or so I thought by the way. Like foreshadowing, or so she thought she did.

And I have shown up so differently from 2019 to 22. And more often than not I am operating from this place of truly not giving a fuck what people think about me. The majority of people are going to have lots of thoughts about me, lots of feelings about me, I do not take personal responsibility for that. I hear what they have to say without making it mean that they’re right and I’m wrong or making it some animosity type of situation. I take constructive criticism and I am good with me.

This is a great place to be. I’m not going to lie, it’s a really great place to be. You learn so much about yourself here. There is a lot of thought work here still, you know, really learning who I really am. If I’m not giving a fuck what other people are thinking about me, and I’m not taking on their negative criticism, and I’m in that place more often than I’m not, oh, there’s so much personal understanding here.

Your relationship with yourself gets so deep in this stage because you’re really beginning to understand who you are without other people’s judgment on top of you. When you don’t give a fuck what your mom thinks about your business, or how you’re running your life, you get to just love her for her. And you get to really deepen your relationship with you.

There’s a lot of boundary setting in this stage of not giving a fuck because you’re no longer worried that setting the boundary in the first place is going to throw things off. You’re like, listen, this is what is okay. This isn’t what is okay. And this is how we’re going to function and I love you and I love me.

So much deep personal one on one relationship growth here with yourself here, and it actually allows you to show up so much better for those other people in your life when you stop giving such a fuck about what they are thinking about you all of the time.

My relationship with my husband has grown so deeply in this stage because I just let him be him. And I no longer make anything that he says or does mean anything about me. Oh my goodness, our marriage has strengthened so much in the second stage of not giving a fuck.

Now notice, not giving a fuck isn’t fuck you, I don’t care about you. It’s I don’t give a fuck what you think about me actually allows me to love you so much more. Because I’m not in a constant battle in my head about what you may or may not be thinking, right? This is a good place. It’s not a bad place.

It’s not even a bad place to stop. I honestly thought this is it, I just keep doing more of this. And I just keep more times than I am not, not giving a fuck. This is where I’m supposed to be and I keep replicating this over and over again and I keep moving forward.

And then 2022 happened. I’m not going to rehash my going through the goo podcast that I already have, for sure listen to it if you have not already. But this year taught me about an entirely new place that I didn’t fully understand existed. And I haven’t quite been able to articulate it because I haven’t really been able to understand it until honestly, if I’m being honest, the past couple of weeks.

Now, I am months working towards this realization. So I really want to offer to you, as you are listening to this podcast and these three stages and trying to gauge where you are and what do you got to do to get to the next stage, I think it’s really important that you can accomplish so many things just in stage one, and just in stage two. And there is no race between the stages. There’s no finish line either.

I didn’t even realize there was a next stage. And I’m even willing to say, like I’m going to put it out here in this episode right here. I’m even willing to say that what I’m describing in this episode, I might find out next year or in a couple years that it’s not accurate. Maybe there was another stage that I’m not even fully aware of. Maybe I’m going to keep doing this work and I’m going to redefine these stages in the future.

This is a really brilliant thing about not giving a fuck, is that you’re willing to do that. I’m like, I’m going to put out what I know now, and full disclosure, it might change in the future. And I don’t give a fuck if you have a problem with that because I know that I’m giving you what I know now. And it’s the best I know now, and it’s going to help so many people now. And there is no end game.

And really, I want you to understand that what you’re capable of creating in stage one, where you just have the realization that there are no rules and there is no judgment, that is life changing. You will create so much from that space. And then you’re going to go from there.

And then you’re going to move into the next stage where more times than not you’re operating, where you are truly a bigger, bolder person more than you are not. And you’re not beating yourself up that you’re not in a further stage. Because I’m just now realizing that the stage I’m entering into, stage three, even existed. Because let me tell you, I couldn’t be here where I am now if I hadn’t gone for the first two stages.

And maybe your length of time that it’s taken me to move between stages will be shorter than me. Great. Maybe you go through the stages faster, maybe you were born already in stage one, or already in stage two. And halle-fucking-lujah if you were born in stage three. But I’m pretty sure if you were born in stage two or stage three, that you’re probably not listening to my podcast right now. I’m probably not connecting with you because you are on an entirely different plane.

And this is what stage three is. Stage three of not giving a fuck, like this is not giving a fuck on a cellular level. It’s not operating in that energy almost all of the time. It’s just who you are as a person, you’re not having to think about it anymore. It’s just who you are. You’re not having to coach yourself out of anything. You’re taking action without obsessing if it’s okay or not. You’re just taking action without even thinking about if it’s okay or not. You’re taking action without a bunch of steps before.

I take a lot of action, but I still have some steps before. We’re talking decisive decision making, immediate action, diving headfirst into those results without judgment of yourself of how it went at all. You’re truly acting from a place of extreme freedom. You’re speaking way more directly with people, telling them what you really need from them and what you don’t need from them anymore.

You’re not burying that lead, you’re stating clearly this is who I am, this is what I am, this is what I’m looking for, and this is who I help, period. You’re not worried about hurting anybody else’s feelings because you fully understand that you show up from this loving not giving a fuck space. I really want to be clear, not giving a fuck is the ultimate loving experience.

It’s not an angry I don’t give a fuck what you think about me. It is in the best, most loving, most compassionate way I do not give a fuck what your thoughts and feelings are about me. I’m just going to love you. This is a loving energy, not an angry energy.

And from that place, you can tell people directly what you mean. No more beating around the bush. Just send that email without having to warm up the audience in the beginning. Live by who you are for and who you are not for. Be polarizing, you’re no longer unclear on who you work with and who you don’t work with. You are very clear.

Even if someone wants to pay you, your willingness to say this is a no from me. Like I know this is an area I still really need to work with, is that I have let people come to a mutual decision with me. And now I’m really seeing, oh, Amy in stage three of not giving a fuck can spot you a mile away that even if you’re willing to pay me money, I can see where we are not a good fit and my willingness to tell you we’re not ready yet. And here’s why.

And that is said with so much love and compassion, not alienation. That is so clear, right? Who I’m for, who I’m not for, you know, no checklist before I go show up anywhere. Do I got this? Is this okay? Is that okay? Is this okay? It’s so much less drama, right? So much less drama because I’m no longer allowing my day to be dictated by what my mother-in-law thinks, or my sister thinks, or what I know how to coach right on Instagram thinks of me, right?

Now, does it feel amazing all the time? No, but here’s why, because it is in our human wiring to protect us from being ostracized. And we’re very much wired to care very deeply what others think of us so that we aren’t ostracized. And that is the work that requires just heaps of emotional allowance and really nurturing that nervous system.

But it’s an entirely different game in stage three than in stage one and stage two. This is the work we really talked about in my interview last week with Victoria Albina, you know, consistently mapping our nervous system, being very aware if we’re in fight, flight, or freeze. That whole exercise that she walked us through towards the end of the interview last week, doing that work regularly, every single time, we are putting ourselves out there.

If there’s a nervous system response, then we know how to manage that because we’re operating from a place of not giving a fuck, while also allowing for that scared Helga brain who’s screaming, “We’re going to die. This isn’t okay, so and so is going to hate us.”

But it’s very different between that work and having to get coached on and what do you think is going to happen if you do that? And what are you worried they’re thinking? What’s your worst case scenario? And those are a lot of coaching questions that we’re doing in stage one and stage two. But by stage three, it’s really more of that nervous system work.

And I think that maybe that right there is a good thing to think about. Stage one and stage two are lots more thought work and traditional coaching with the nervous system work and intuitive work to discover who you are. But stage three, nervous system work is leading the way, deep intuitive work is leading the way.

I mean, there’s probably always going to be thought work somewhere, you know, we’re never going to achieve some sort of weird like Buddhist enlightenment moment where we are singularly sitting on a mountain in a constant ohm stage. At least that’s not my plan. There’s always going to be thought work of some kind, but nervous system work is most likely leading the way and not, oh, but what is so and so going to think of me? So that we can decide what those things are that we’re going to share from that place.

Am I completely there? No, I’m not. But I’m so much closer than I was at the beginning of this year. Because the beginning of this year I didn’t even realize that this was a place. In that episode 142, my journey through the goo, I described being in a new room, you know, that I thought that the pinnacle was becoming one of the top people in the previous room that I’ve been in, only to work my way all the way through. And then I found a doorway to a new space. I talk all about this in that episode.

And I’ve been working on trying to figure out what this new space is because there’s nobody here to lead me. I’m in this space on my own. And that is in and of itself, very frightening. And by design, there’s not a leader in that space. I’m the leader in that space. So how am I defining that?

And it wasn’t until these past few weeks where I’ve been trying to, honestly I’ve been trying to figure out what the doing is here. I’ve been trying to define it by actions, and how does Amy show up on the action line by what she doesn’t, doesn’t do? And then I realized it was an essence. The room is not defined by what I do, the room is defined by me not giving a fuck as an energetic state on a cellular level.

Now that I know where there is, it’s so much easier to fully step into that. I would say I’m probably straddling stage two and stage three. And I think it’s possible that even by the time this publishes, I’ll be there. Because here’s the deepest lesson of not giving a fuck, and that it’s as simple as changing a thought.

Or if we’re being really truthful, it’s as simple as changing a deeply held belief that you realize is only a thought that can be changed as soon as we’re willing to let it go. And the more that you work on actively changing that belief, the faster you will get to that next stage.

So here’s to not giving a fuck, because with each less fuck you give, you feel freer. You literally do not care what someone is saying about you. Unless it’s slander and it’s illegal, but then you let your lawyer care, not you. You just tell her to go take care of it and you sign the paperwork.

And here’s the thing, I left this out of the conversation up until now, I realized I didn’t address this part, that the secret truth that many life coaches maybe don’t necessarily want to admit is that there’s a whole hell of a lot of expert coaches, top moneymakers, who are still in stage one and in stage two.

They have not reached stage three. They still care deeply what other people think about them, even if the persona that they put out is not necessarily that. They still really struggle and worry about what other people are thinking about them.

So this is not a years of experience or dollars in the bank kind of thing, that has nothing to do with this conversation. It has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not they have reached this truly not giving a fuck what others think of you.

So for you, not just that those numbers are a separate conversation, and they are not factored in to not giving a fuck, the freedom of not giving a fuck, it’s worth it. No one taking up any more real estate in your brain except your own brain. You’re walking lighter, you’re feeling lighter, and then you can establish a much deeper relationship with yourself and with you and your intuition. And then even more ideas about what you know and what you need to share with the world, they come flooding in. All right, Coach?

Coach, here’s what I want to ask of you, who needs to hear this with you? What coach do you know needs to hear this conversation? Like run, do not walk, go tell your coach friends to listen to this episode. And save this for when year feeling like this is all just a bit too much.

When you find yourself really worried about what other people are thinking about you, this is the episode I want you to pull up about not giving a fuck and why it’s important and what you can expect in each of these three stages. And to allow yourself to really live and be in each of these three stages for what each stage has to teach you and has to show you about yourself and who you are.

That is the biggest growth that I have really experienced. And I want that for you too. Okay, Coach? All right. So have you signed up for Free To Paid Coach? You right now listening? Yeah. So like after you go share this with your coach friends because they need to know how not to give a fuck and why it’s so important, you need to make sure that you and that friend come join us in Free To Paid Coach. Like go do that right now.

It is literally the best room at any coach can be in. You’re going to sign your first free client, your first paid client, your next paid client. All while learning to become a coach who truly understands what it means to operate in not giving a fuck. It’s only $1,000, you can make payments. And once you’re in, you are in forever. And we are here waiting for you. All right. Until next week, let’s go get paid, coach.

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Thanks so much for listening to The Confident Coaches Podcast. I invite you to learn more. Come visit me at amylatta.com and until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.