Ep #92: How to Be a Big Deal

Hello, you are listening to episode 92 of The Confident Coaches Podcast, the one where I tell you I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal. And so are you. All right, let’s go.

Welcome to The Confident Coaches Podcast, a place for creating the self-confidence you need to do your best work as a life coach. If you want to bring more boldness, more resilience, and more joy to your work, this is the place for you. I’m your host, Amy Latta. Let’s dive in.

Hello, my confident coach, how are you today, I’m just going to tell you right out of the gate that I am recording this the night after a concert. So if I sound a little froggy, it’s just because I wore out my vocal cords last night.

I had tried to get this recorded beforehand. But we ended up leaving an hour earlier than normally planned. So I had to rearrange my schedule a little bit. So you kind of have froggy voiced  Amy. But it’s all good voice, like it’s all happiness, I can tell you that right now.

And speaking of happiness, I just want to thank every one of you right now. I want to thank you right now, dear listener. So many of you have been connecting with me on social media in the comments of the posts that I make for the podcast on Instagram, on Facebook. I get so many messages in my DMs.

I love that this community, this confident coach community is growing. And I want to encourage you to continue to share and comment and let other coaches know the work that we’re doing here.

These past few months of episodes have been really transformational. They’ve been really fun for me to share with you. And when you post how this episode was so powerful, or this one brought you to tears, then yes. Because on this side of the microphone, I’m feeling that as I’m recording.

So to receive that back from you all in the comments and in posts on Instagram just warms my heart so much. Because we know this is the work that we’re doing. And this is the fun work that we’re doing.

So I just want to continue to let you know that I’m always looking forward to reading your comments on Instagram and Facebook. And if you don’t know where to find this show on social media, you can always find me at Amy Latta, at I am Amy Latta on Facebook or Instagram. And every Tuesday when a new episode drops you will find audio grams and podcast posts. And I look forward to connecting with you on there.

And this is also kind of me doing what I’m talking about in today’s episode. Which is we’re going to talk about tooting your own horn, becoming your own best cheerleader. How to be your own raving fan. Basically, in the name of Ron Burgundy from Anchorman, how to be a big deal.

Now, this can make a not very confident coach very nervous. Because what happens when I tell you you’re going learn how to toot your own horn, you’re gonna learn how to become your own raving fan? As I’m saying those words out loud, it’s time for you to become your own raving fan, it’s time for you to toot your own horn, what comes up for you?

I really want you to take a moment right now and tap into your body and really feel. Like, “Hey, you’re a big deal. Let’s go toot your horn. Let’s go tell other people that you are a big deal.” What happens inside your body?

I can tell you what comes up for me. This is actually more thought line than body. Because body wise is like just anxiety comes up for me like, “What? We’re going to do what?” Because this is what’s going on in my brain.

So like Helga, she grabs that microphone. And she’s like, “That’s not allowed. That’s not polite. Listen, we’re supposed to be humble. We’re not supposed to brag about who we are and what we do. And certainly not about what we’ve accomplished. That’s uncouth, that’s not dignified. That’s certainly not what a good girl or a polite young lady should do.”

Does any of that sound familiar? Or like variations along that theme of other people can toot my horn, but I can’t toot my horn. That’s just not – We just don’t do that around here.

If anything else comes up for you other than what I listed, I’d love to hear about it in the comments on Instagram or Facebook. Because here’s the thing, we are in a society where we really champion the underdog. We really tend to champion the people who need other people to lift them up, like so many movies, right?

And we get twitchy when somebody boasts too much. We really get a little twitchy when we see somebody telling other people, “Here’s how I’m awesome.” We’re not always the biggest fan when somebody says, “Hey, I’m the best at what I do.”

And why do you think that is? I have a few theories. And I think it comes down to these couple of things. First of all, we’ve convinced ourselves, because we listen to our Helga brain, that we, you right now, don’t have what it takes to be great. We just don’t have that special something, we just don’t have that thing that makes us great.

So watching others proclaim their greatness makes us very uncomfortable. Like how dare you be so bold when I’m over here, listening to myself talk always telling me how I’m not good enough for otherwise terrible person for X, Y, or Z reasons.

Entire TV and movie plot lines revolve around taking down the person who dares to like themselves too much. Even though we all know that they’re human.

It’s like what gives you the right to be a fallible human who makes mistakes, and makes errors, and does things wrong, and still believe that you’re great and amazing? We have just decided in our society that you can’t be both, which of course, is bullshit.

But we love to loathe that person. Who do they think they are? We know they’re not so great. So how dare they be so boastful by daring to proclaim to be great?

I also think, like kind of the brother sister of this here, I think the other thing is that scarcity can really play into this. Like if I proclaim that I am a big deal, it’s like I might be taking somebody else’s spot.

It’s like we see achieving as a vertical line, like an up and down line, one stacked on top of the other. And not a horizontal line all of us together on the same plane. Again, and our society 100% backs this up. Like everything, since we were really little was put into a list. You have your top 10 earners, the 10 richest people.

Shoot, I am a sucker for a good BuzzFeed list. I can research a show, like right now I’m totally bingeing Cold Case on HBO. I will 100% read a BuzzFeed list on the top 10 episodes of Cold Case. I don’t even know if that exists, but if it did, I’d be like, “Oh, yeah, do I agree?” You know, the lists of like the best songs from this band.

The concert I saw last night was Foo Fighters, so absolutely, if I saw a BuzzFeed list that was like the top 10 songs of Foo Fighters, I would 100% be listening to see if I agreed with their ranking and possibly changing the ranking to match what I believe. Because we have been taught to rank ourselves against others our entire lives.

So if I claim a spot, that must mean that there are people above me and below me. And that’s where we start being like, “Did you really earn that spot to be able to proclaim that you are X number on a list?” Even though we’re not actually talking about a list, but that we have that mentality, right?

And listen, I’m recording this during the Tokyo Olympics. So it’s the 2020 Olympics that are occurring in 2021. For those of you in the future, you remember these days, right? And everyone has a rank. And only the top three get a medal.

And I’ve been actively watching the Olympics since 1984, as a 10 year old girl who wanted to be just like Mary Lou Retton. Anybody else remember her perfect 10 vault? They don’t do 10s anymore, everything is on a scale of like 16 or some weird number now. But back then everything was out of 10.

Again, everything was ranked out of 10, right? Everything was already ranked and her perfect 10 vault was like so huge. Think about that, I can’t even imagine what was already ingrained in my head about ranking, and top and bottom, and winner and loser by the time I was 10. But definitely, it was cemented in my head when I was 10 years old watching Mary Lou Retton doing all of her flippies and wanting to be her so badly.

So what if it’s possible that everything I just said, is all just made up, right? It’s not real, it’s just a box that we put these events in and it doesn’t have to apply to anything to do with you. We rank in terms of organization, which our brain desires. But then we don’t have to take that organization and that ranking to then extrapolate it across all of society, which is 100% what we do.

What if people claiming to be a big deal are not braggarts and they’re not taking somebody else’s place? This is why I like to see us as more of like a horizontal line as opposed to a vertical line. It’s that rising tide lifts all ships mentality, right? I am fabulous at what I do. I am a big deal. I am great. And I invite you to be fabulous and be a big deal and be great with me.

I’m going to proclaim my big deal-ness and I invite you to proclaim yours. We’re not in a vertical line where we’re one on top of each other and somebody is ranked higher and somebody is ranked lower. We’re on a horizontal line. And when I step up to the next line, I’m inviting you to come with me.

It’s only bragging and arrogance when I don’t think you’re supposed to come up with me too. When we don’t want to share that podium with others. And I honestly think we see this in a very maligned Olympian right now, Simone Biles, right?

She chose to sit out of major events that she’s qualified for due to mental stress, what they call the twisties. Which is where a gymnast gets lost in the air and they can’t orient themselves. It’s incredibly dangerous. And yet, she’s there cheering her teammates on and giving them space on a podium. Because in the Olympics there’s a literal podium with 1, 2, 3, right?

So she is still like, “I’m still the greatest at what I do. And I still believe that I can take care of me. And here, you come step up too.” She’s already the GOAT, the greatest of all time when it comes to women’s gymnastics. So that’s already been proclaimed.

And now she’s like you, the rest of my teammates, come on, you step up to your GOAT-ness also, it’s here for you. Because in this world where they actually do rank us, I am comfortable enough in myself to be able to say I don’t need that 1, 2, 3 ranking to know that I’m fabulous. And here, why don’t you come up and step up and be fabulous also?

So it’s possible that society may rank us but that doesn’t mean that we have to. We can own our own greatness. We can own that inner God rod that we’ve been talking about for the past couple of weeks.

And if you have not listened to that episode, it’s Episode 89, Unbox Your God Rod. Make sure you listen to that one after this. You don’t have to listen to it beforehand. But I talk a lot about really owning your own greatness in that one.

This is a slightly different conversation than that episode. But if you’re like, “I have no idea what this woman is talking about. I am not great. I do not have fabulous in me.” You must go back and listen to Episode 89 if you have not already.

So why does this entire conversation even matter? Why am I talking about ranking and how to be a big deal at all? It has everything, everything to do with external validation. Those of you are like, “Oh, yeah.”

It’s like when I used to work in my 10 year corporate marketing career, and I just wanted my boss to like, why can’t she just– She can’t even like appreciate me. She does not appreciate what I do around here. It’s always more, more, more and I never get the recognition.”

So recognition, appreciation, really what we’re looking for is external validation. I’m looking for my boss to tell me that I am good enough at my job. I’m looking for my boss to tell me that I’ve done good because I am struggling to do that for myself.

And when I struggle to do that for myself, I desperately cling to that external validation. When I’m not willing to own my greatness and be my own big deal and champion myself, I need them to champion for me. And we want to feel validated. Of course we do.

Listen, desire to be validated, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s when we put that desire to be validated over our ability to validate ourselves. That’s where we get into a problem. Like validation, of course, we want to be validated, we are human.

Inclusion and being liked and being told you are good are all part of that anthropological fitting into a hegemonic culture. The knowing that we will be cared for and fed and protected when need be, as long as we adhere to the rules of the culture. And if we don’t well then ingrained in our DNA, right, we’re going to be ostracized. We won’t be fed, we won’t be cared for, we won’t be protected. And then we’re going to die alone on the Serengeti or the prairie.

Except we won’t because it’s 2021. If you are listening to this podcast, you are not going to be stranded on the Serengeti, by having been ostracized by your culture.

But our Helga brain is still wired in our DNA. That is still written into our DNA, even though it’s modern times. That desire to fit in and that desire to be long that desire to be protected by our enclave, right?

So to toot your own horn or be your own raving fan, it feels like death to us. Because that would have gotten us kicked out of the enclave, right?

If you haven’t caught on by now, by listening to 92, episodes of this podcast, being a human who does what they’ve never done before, is a constant working against how your brain is naturally wired. It’s constantly saying, “I see you, Helga. I hear you, and it’s okay. We are not going to die.” And she’s still going to keep saying it.

And in fact, the bolder you become, and the more you toot your own horn, and the bigger you expand, and the more things you start trying and doing, the louder she gets. So she’s looking for others to say, “Hey, you belong here.”

And we’ll start to believe that our worth and our value in our goodness as a coach, and therefore our confidence, is dependence on other people or dependent on other people telling us so. This is what we start looking for.

We need that feedback on our posts in order to believe that anybody cares about what we’re talking about. We need those yeses on consultation calls in order to believe that anybody wants to say yes to us, that anybody wants to work with us. We need those clients loving our coaching, and telling everybody about it, being our raving fans for us.

Listen, your clients do this too. I want you to think about all the different ways that you and they look for external validation. Sometimes it might be what people say. Sometimes it’s just a thing that outside of us.

So weight loss clients want the scale to say a certain number so that they can believe they can lose weight. They’re looking for the scale to give them external validation, right? Or their clothes or their pants, right?

You want your calendar to be full of client calls. You want to pull up that calendar and see a bunch of client calls on that calendar before you can really believe that you can sign clients. You want your bank account to have a certain dollar amount before you can believe you can make money or that you have enough money. You want that Stripe or that PayPal account to show you 100K in yearly sales so that you can believe that you can make 100K.

You want your clients to have their minds blown so that you can believe you can blow their minds. You want your clients to be raving fans, sharing your goodness on your behalf to everyone they know so that you can believe that people are clamoring to work with you.

And it never works, right? Let’s take a look at this. Because if I think, “I hope my clients become raving fans,” all we have to do is put this into a thought model where the circumstance is us coaching our clients and having a thriving business. And our thought is, “I hope my clients become raving fans.”

Which sounds like a really good thought. But when I really say that out loud, “I hope my clients become raving fans” I actually feel a little anxious, because how can I actually make that happen? Like I can’t make anyone do anything right? And me hoping that they become my raving fan, I inherently know that that’s outside of my control. So of course, I naturally feel very anxious.

So when I feel anxious, what does my A line, what do my actions start looking like? They start looking awfully graspy and needy because I go into, I have to control how you think and feel mode. Which, by the way, totally impossible. If you’re new here, you cannot control how other people think or feel, literally ever, ever, ever, ever.

So this is when I might start handling clients with kid gloves and coaching calls. So at least they’ll like me, right? I will be all up in my own head and not paying attention to their thoughts because I’ll be thinking, “I want them to be raving fans. So I need them to feel a certain way on every single call. So let me kind of like wrap my arms around them.”

But I’m spending all of that time in my own head that I’m not paying attention, or close enough attention and not really relying on my skills as a coach to really pay attention to their thoughts. I’m not showing them how their thoughts are optional. And then I’m not helping them to create different models. Which of course is reducing the chances of them creating drastically different results.

Remember, we are never responsible for our client’s results. But we are responsible for showing them their thinking and offering them alternatives or helping them find alternatives. Which in turn creates different results for them.

So if they’re not creating drastically different results, they might love the warm fuzzy space that we create where we’re kind of hand holding, we’re kind of trying to ensure that they love us. But they’re probably not going to become raving fans.

So, of course, right there, I hope they become raving fans creates a result of them probably not becoming raving fans. But the deeper result here, I want you to go a little bit deeper in this model. Even more importantly, when I indulge in that anxiety, because that model was still kind of all about them. And remember, models are about us.

When I stay wrapped up in that drama of trying to control their model, I’m not really looking at my own. I’m not staying present with my clients in the call. I’m not doing my own self coaching to clean up my head beforehand. I am not tapping into the great coaching that is available to me from me, in my own body and in my own brain right now. Because I’m too busy trying to control the situation.

So I’m not going deep into my own self. And I’m not showing up as fabulously as I know I am capable of. Therefore, I’m not being my own raving fan. Really, the thought, “I hope they become raving fans” prevents me from becoming my own raving fan. Which is the only thing I can control.

When I need other people to validate me, I don’t focus on the one thing I can control, which is validating myself. Your validation does not need to come from hordes of people adoring you.

And I really want to challenge these societal expectations, these rules that we just all happen to follow. And I really want to challenge, is it not polite not to toot your own horn? Is it really true that it’s not polite to proclaim yourself a big deal, to toot your own horn? To say, “Hey, I’m great.”

What if it’s not polite not to do that? Stay with me for a moment. Stay with me. Don’t let me lose you here. What if it’s not polite to not do those things? Maybe it’s even quite rude not to toot your own horn, to not be your own biggest cheerleader, to not be your own biggest raving fan, to not proclaim.

When you don’t toot your own horn from that place of love and assuredness you aren’t inviting others to join you. You are not lifting anybody else to come up with you. You’re not showing others what is possible. And you are keeping your God Rodness, that inner God Rod light that you have, you’re keeping it to yourself and you aren’t sharing it with the world. And I want to offer you, rude.

Like rude not to show other people what is possible and invite them to join you. Rude to not share that inner greatness that you have with the world. What if that’s what’s rude? What if that’s what’s not polite? What if that’s what a good girl would never do?

Did everybody’s head just get turned on its side? I know mine did when I was thinking about this. What if it is rude not to be a big deal? What?

Something that my coach shared with me, and it is so powerful, is to remember there is no shortage of enthusiasm or belief. So me proclaiming that I am a big deal. It’s not like taking big dealness, it’s not like there’s a big deal pie and I’m taking a slice and that prevents you from having any.

There’s no shortage of money, or energy, or enthusiasm, or belief, or have raving fans, or of enthusiasm, or big dealness. There is no shortage of any of these things, so you staking claim to yours does not leave anybody else out. However you not staking claim to yours might prevent a lot of people being invited to and feeling encouraged you to take what is rightfully theirs. Right? Rude. What if that’s the rude thing?

Now, you still have to face the discomfort that some people may think it’s rude to proclaim that you are a big deal. Because they are following that rule that that’s not okay, that that’s not allowed, that that’s not what we do around here. And they don’t realize that they don’t have to follow that rule anymore.

Here’s this thing about discovering rules that you’ve always followed, and then realizing that you don’t have to if they don’t serve you. Other people may not be on board with that yet because they just haven’t realized yet. And that’s okay.

I really want to offer you that it’s okay when you’ve discovered something that you don’t have to do anymore or that you’re allowed to start doing, and other people in your circle haven’t yet. Because they are also thinking that that’s taking the spot from somebody or they don’t have the right to proclaim that themselves and it makes them very uncomfortable to see someone else do it. And we can still love them.

You can handle people being wrong about you, and possibly even showing that they are wrong about themselves. I’d rather give people an example of what is possible about themselves than agree with them in how they’re wrong about themselves.

They don’t believe that they have that God Rodness or that right to stake a claim. And they are wrong about that. And I would rather be an example rather than agree with them.

So here’s what I want you to do this week. What do you want to believe about you? What do you want to believe about you? We do all kinds of work, in Confident Coaches Mastermind we do so much work on your self-concept. And all a self-concept is what you believe about you. So this is a very truncated version of it. This is like a very simple thing.

Do you want to believe that you’re a big deal? You’re a thought leader? You’re a great coach? You’re an expert in your area? Then let’s create an I am statement right here. So here’s how I might come up with one. I am Amy Latta and I am a big deal. Now you do yours.

Since I don’t know your name, I’m just going to use Amy Latta every single time. I am Amy Latta and I am a thought leader. I am Amy Latta and I am an excellent coach. I am Amy Latta and I am the expert in confidence.

Now you do yours. What would yours be? I am, insert your name, and I am a big deal, thought leader, great coach, anything else. And here’s what I want you to do, I want you to go find me on social media. Go hunt down that Instagram or that Facebook post. I post at 6am every podcast drop day.

I want you to share your I am statement in the comments. Okay? I want you to go share the world your bold I am a big deal statement. Even if it’s not I am a big deal. What is your I am a big deal statement? I want you to share that in the comments.

If this is uncomfortable, if doing that feels just a little bit too much of a stretch, be willing to share what you want to believe about yourself. Even if you aren’t ready to share the I am statement, I want you to think about this concept of owning the big deal that you are and just share what you want to believe about yourself.

Even if you’re not ready to go I am, even if you’re not ready for the big bold statement, share what you would like to believe. I can’t wait to hear what all of you have to say. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say. I’m very excited to read your big deal desires.

Because here’s the thing, when you put it into that I am form, I am Amy Latta and I am a big deal. I am Amy Latta and I am a thought leader. When you focus on that for like a month. What if you repeated that to yourself and you decided that it was true for an entire month?

The entire month of August, for the rest of this month you just focus on that energy. Watch what happens. How differently you start feeling. How differently you start acting and what shifts you might create in your results when you decide that that big deal statement is just true.

Doesn’t this sound so exciting? All right, so hit me up in the socials. Share your I am statements or what you want to believe about yourself if you’re not quite ready to proclaim it yet.

All right coaches, I can’t wait to see what you come up with. Until next week. Let’s go fuck some shit up.

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Thanks so much for listening to The Confident Coaches Podcast. I invite you to learn more. Come visit me at amylatta.com. And until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.