Ep #171: What’s Worse Than Being Hated

You are listening to episode 171 of The Confident Coaches Podcast, the one where we are going to light your heart on fire, and you are going to love those who hate you. What?! Let’s go.

Welcome to The Confident Coaches Podcast, a place for creating the self-confidence you need to do your best work as a life coach. If you want to bring more boldness, more resilience, and more joy to your work, this is the place for you. I’m. Amy Latta, let’s dive in.

Well, happy Valentine’s Day, my Latta loves. Yes. This is very exciting. Have I ever dropped a Valentine’s Day episode? Surely, I have. It’s episode 171 on February 14th. It’s Valentine’s Day. It’s a day of hearts and love and romance. So, obviously I’m going to talk about people hating you today. Because what else would I do?

What else would I talk about on Saint Valentine’s Day? What else would I do but want to focus on something that I know so many of you are really struggling with? And that’s what this really comes down to. And I want you to really light your flame for yourself. So, by the end of this, I’ve got some questions for you at the end.

I want you to really, like, lean into them and see what it stirs up in you. Yeah, I want you to get a little stirred up. I want you to get a little fired up because, honestly, being comfortable with both love and hate is essential as an entrepreneur. And that is what you are. I’m going to constantly remind everybody listening that if you are a coach, building your own business, not working for someone else, you’re an entrepreneur.

That is what you are. And so, really seeing yourself in that light and understanding some of what you took on and part of what you took on is getting really comfortable with the extreme feels and that it’s really important to understand that in order to create an audience that is in love with you, that loves everything that you do, that is obsessed with you, you have to be okay.

That means that there’s going to be a part of your audience that hates you. That does not so much like what you’re doing. That is not so much obsessed with you, or they are obsessed with you, but in the opposite way, right? There is actually something worse than people hating you. And here’s the funny thing is it’s not what you think.

Because whenever I bring this up in conversation, most people think I’m going to say, “Oh, that’s getting canceled. What’s worse than having people hate you is getting canceled.” So, can we talk about that for a moment? I feel like I’ve mentioned this. I know for sure I’ve mentioned this in tons of trainings.

I’m sure I’ve brought it up here, but I don’t know if we’ve really dove into my stance that cancel culture isn’t real. This isn’t a real thing. It’s not even a thing. It’s an idea of a thing. But when you ask people to define, “what do you mean getting canceled?” Everybody has a different opinion. No one can agree on what it means.

And even if you do kind of have a general consensus of what it means, when we go a step further… okay, so put that thing that you’re telling me that getting canceled means actually happens. Then what? Nobody goes past that. Nobody actually goes to this place where they really see what really are they fearing when they say “they fear getting canceled.”

And here’s why: I know that getting canceled isn’t really a thing or something that we should be afraid of. It’s not something to be feared. Because there’s a lot of big names who’ve been “canceled.” And guess what? They’re fine. They’re okay. Marie Forleo has been canceled. She’s doing just great.

Rachel Hollis, she’s been canceled. You want to know what? She still has 1.5 million followers on Insta. She’s still got a podcast. She’s still got an email list. She’s still got people working with her. I know that there are mentors of mine who have been canceled. They still have tons of devotees and they’re making ten figures a year. Eight figures a year.

They still have tons of devotees and they’re making eight figures a year. When we say, “Oh, but I saw when so and so and the whole internet came after them.” And I’m like, “Yeah, but how are they doing today?” Nine times out of ten those people? They’re doing just fine. Their business is still thriving, they’re still doing fabulously.

Maybe they’ve had to modify a few things, and I’m not saying they didn’t go through an experience. And again, is that what we mean by getting canceled? But they still have a business and it’s still making tons of money. Truly the only people who were truly canceled, where they actually lose everything? These are people who’ve actually committed heinous crimes.

So, now, unless you are committing heinous crimes—with which I’m not sure that I have much to offer you here—if you’re out there committing heinous crimes, if you’re brutally attacking people and murdering people, if, if you are doing horrible, horrible things against other people, then maybe you do deserve a cancelation.

You know, I’m talking the Harvey Weinsteins, the Bill Cosbys of the world. They, yes, they’ve been canceled. OJ Simpson. Yep. I would say he’s probably been canceled, and I would say all rightfully so. And heck, there’s even so many people, so many performers who have been canceled. Like, particularly, I’m thinking of the Me Too movement.

The person that’s coming to mind right now is Louis C.K. not convicted of anything, but definitely, you know, came out and shared some pretty horrible, awful things that he has done to women. He’s still doing live shows. There are still plenty of people who have done things that are quite unsavory, and we would all go, “Ooh that’s, that’s not okay.” That’s not even problematic. That is, like, that’s partially criminal, should be criminal, and they are still doing okay. Doesn’t mean that things haven’t changed.

And see, and do you even see that what I’m talking about getting canceled? What I’m talking about are people who’ve done truly heinous things and you are just worried about getting canceled over: you approach intuitive eating differently than maybe a different person. Like we’re not even in the same ballpark, man. We’re not even in the same sport. We’re not even on the same side of the world where your brain is going. It’s like, “oh, I might get canceled if I share this thing.” No, because really what you’re saying is, is “I don’t want a movement against me. I don’t want a whole bunch of people to tell me that I’m wrong.”

That you’re worried about getting canceled is that a group of people will come together and say, “I don’t like what you’re saying. You are wrong. This isn’t okay.” And I want to really lean in here. I asked some serious questions about why you don’t want to experience that. Because here is something you are likely not considering because our mind does not normally consider this, is that if there’s a group of people who formed a movement against you, it’s almost always likely that there’s a larger group of people coming to your defense, who are so obsessed and so in love with you.

Like do you see that the more people that you have coming against you, you have even more who adore you, who are obsessed with you, who think that your shit does not stink, who think that there’s nothing that you could possibly do wrong, who will come to your defense. And it makes sense that your mind is only going to focus on the people who hate you.

A fun little thing that I learned from a way, way old mentor. We’re talking, like, ten years ago when I first was in John Acuff’s circle and he introduced a concept called “haters math,” right? That he would get a thousand reviews on his books, but he would fixate on the one review. The one-star review that was like, “this thing sucks.”

And that’s really what cancel—when your brain is so worried about people who hate you and getting canceled. Really, it’s just my brain is going to fixate on that and it’s not going to focus on all of the love that’s there. And that’s what’s so wild. While your mind is so focused on the hate, it could be swimming in all of the love, all of the obsessed fans, people who think that you’re the greatest thing to ever enter their life. People who are so thankful and appreciative for how you’ve changed their life. And we really are talking about canceled—you’re talking about, like, a whole movement of people.

We’re talking this means that you, at this point, would have a ginormous audience to have a movement of people against you. Even I don’t think I could generate a movement against me at this point. And I get over a thousand downloads a week just on this podcast. And even I’m, like, trying to imagine. What would that be? Like, fifty people out of the thousand of you?

Right? So, just really see that our fears, once we really talk about what we’re really fearing, almost all of them aren’t even in the realm of reality. It’s not even logical. And even for somebody who does have a really huge audience, if they were to say something to piss off a group of people and a movement was formed against them, that movement is always going to be smaller than the love movement.

The cancel culture movement group against you will pale in comparison to the love group. That’s for you, that’s obsessed with you, that can’t get enough of you. And so, just know if that bridge is ever one that presents itself in your life, in your business, that you can remember, where are you going to focus your energy?

Are you going to focus your energy on the people who hate you? Or are you going to focus your energy on the people who are obsessed with you? I always think about Oprah. I always think about Oprah. One of the richest women in the entire world. Most famous entertainers. There are tons of people who are so anti-Oprah.

I don’t know. Some of you might even be listening to this right now. Tons of people who are anti-Oprah. Who think Oprah has introduced so many problematic concepts and people into our lives in the nineties, and we’re still feeling the repercussions. Hello? Certain Senate races from last year. Oprah’s doing just fine.

I think she’s going to be okay. I think she’s so surrounded by so many people who adore her. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t experience the negative emotions of having people who are pissed at her, who do say things negatively against her. But there’s so much more positive than there is negative. Because honestly, we haven’t even gotten to what’s worse than being canceled.

What’s worse than being hated? I’m about to tell you. You want to know what’s worse than being hated. What’s worse than being canceled? It’s not being thought of at all. Ohhhhh.

Is not being considered at all. Where you show up in the world so watered down in your very futile (may I add), very futile attempt to try to avoid any controversy, any hate, and you are doing everything you can in your power not to get canceled, not to have people say they don’t like what you’re, what you’re saying, that you totally water yourself down and you totally blend into all of the online world.

And no one really thinks much of you at all. There’s nothing to chew on there. There’s no pizzazz, there’s no vibe, there’s no energy. It’s just beige in a sea of beige, and so many of you, this is where you are. Big honesty time. Amy’s bringing the fire right now because you all need to hear it, even if you’re not yet ready to act on it.

I’m going to give you some prompts in this episode to help your brain at least start churning up some ideas. Okay? So many of you right now are so worried about being wrong, are having people say that they don’t like you, or they don’t like what you’re saying, maybe even trying to pick arguments with you, that you’re serving up a watered down, boring version of yourself that most people aren’t going to give any attention to.

And here’s the thing, you think you’re avoiding controversy. I’m telling you; you could say you like green tea instead of coffee. And somebody who drinks coffee and hates tea is going to be offended by you. You can’t prevent it. You could say the most benign thing, and there will be people who will be like, “I just can’t believe she believes that.”

That’s crazy. You could say you love the new Pamela Anderson Docu— documentary—documentary… I forget the word that it is. The new Pamela Anderson show that’s on a Netflix. You could say that you hate it. Or you could say that you watched it and you didn’t think much of it. And there are people who love it, who will think that that’s offensive.

You could say that you watched it, and you loved it, and there were people who hated it and they’ll think that’s offensive. You can say, like, a book and somebody who doesn’t like that book, like you could just say the most benign things and somebody somewhere I’ll be like, “Hmm, I don’t know about that.”

You would say your favorite color was red. And somebody’d be like, “Oh, hate red. It’s disgusting.” I often think about this, um, this idea of, like, you know, you could say you can’t wait to—right now. Right now, the only example I have in my head is not one I really want to share. I’m trying to come up with another one live as I’m talking.

But, like, baby names, right? You could be like, oh, “I love the name Ethan.” Well, that person, Ethan, broke their damn heart. They hate it. So, think about all of the energy that you are putting in to try to make sure no one hates you, no one will ever cancel you, no one will ever argue with you. And it’s literally a completely impossible task.

You would have to say nothing ever about anything. Have zero opinions on anything. Show up beige, bland, vanilla, and even then, there’ll be somebody who hates beige, bland, vanilla. So, you might as well, right? And here’s the real kicker. Here’s what really sucks. You are working your ass off to protect yourself from ever having anybody hate you, and you are working your butt off all so no one can really think that much about you at all. And you’re beating yourself up because nothing really seems to be working and people aren’t really connecting or engaging. Also, people cannot really think about you much at all. Right? Think about how much time and energy is going into making sure no one ever has a problem with you.

All the mental energy. How exhausting that is. How you’re second guessing every single post you’re getting ready to put out how you are spending so much time watering down your message instead of saying the thing that was right on the tip of your tongue ten minutes ago that you forgot because you realized you were going to put it out into the world.

And all of a sudden, your brain was like, “Well, we can’t say what we really mean because @angrymother552 in Tulsa, Oklahoma is going to be pissed off.” I wonder if there’s really an angry mama in Tulsa, Oklahoma right now. So here’s the thing. That’s exhausting. It really is. It’s exhausting trying to prevent anybody from hating you and…

AND in all of your effort to prevent people from hating you, you aren’t allowing people to truly love you. This is the most important thing to understand right here.

All the effort it takes to avoid any kind of controversy or canceling or anybody saying you’re wrong, all that effort, you are literally detracting. You are repelling all the possible love and adoration and obsession that you could have right now. It’s crazy. So, there’s good news. If you’re willing to let people hate you—and I’ve done podcasts, I’m almost positive I have a podcast where the actual title is Let People Hate You—if you’re willing to let people not like you, then you can actually allow people to truly love you. Now to be clear, I’m not talking about, like, that mom-best-friend-you’re-my-sister kind of love. Like my mom loves everything I do. She thinks I’m the greatest. She thinks it’s just silliness how much I cuss. Nothing I could do would ever make her leave me. I’m not talking about that kind of love.

I’m talking about the raving-mad-obsessed-with-you-clients kind of love. The ones that can’t wait to hear what you have to say next. The ones who love everything you dish out, even if it challenges their thinking. Especially if it challenges their thinking.

They want to buy from you. They can’t wait to buy from you. They want to buy it. Now they’re figuring out how to make it happen. Even if they can’t do it in this moment, they’re putting you on their radar. You are on their vision board for what they’re going to do this year. They can’t wait. They consume everything that you have to offer.

And when you offer them just the right thing, they’re like, “Bam! Okay. That’s it. I’ve got to make this happen. It’s time.” So, what you need to do to create that kind of love is: what are you willing to feel to let people hate you? What do you need to be willing to feel to purposely create people hating you?

Because remember, there is something worse than people hating you, and that’s people not thinking about you at all. They’re not even considering you when you show up in their newsfeed. they’re not even registering that you can help them. They’re not caring one way or another. And all of that super hard work that you’re putting into this business is going right down the drain.

How do you need to be willing to feel to purposely create people who hate you? Because that is what you’re already experiencing, and how does that feel? Frustrating? Disappointing? Listen, if you’re already feeling frustrated and disappointed and exhausted all the time to create a bunch of people who aren’t thinking about you, who aren’t even considering you already, you might as well.

“All right. What do I need to feel to be okay to know that there are going to be people, for sure, who do not like what I have to say? What do I need to be willing to feel?” Is vulnerable, inadequate? It might be shame; it might be guilt. Now you can see, now you can see the value of you having a coach, right?

Because being able to be with those emotions when you’ve always run for them. I mean, I do understand. I want to be really clear. I do know why you aren’t willing to do that, because that is inviting in emotions we have traditionally run from. The best news is, is you can learn how to expand your nervous system’s capability for sitting with and being with those emotions, and they do not have to shut you down.

I teach this in all of my programs—I can coach this with you in a life coaching call—so I do understand why you have avoided it. Because sometimes not being considered at all, and being beige, and as disappointing, and frustrating, and exhausting, and never ending as that can be, your mind is still telling you, “Yeah, but it’s better than these emotions over here.”

So, let’s just start with naming what those emotions are. Let’s start by naming the emotions that you are avoiding. And are you willing to dance with them? Are you willing to get to know them, to lean into them, and to learn how to experience them without them shutting you down? Because that is your work.

Here’s the thing. I know. I know that you are fully capable of doing it. I know that you are. I know that every single one of you listening has the capability of experiencing those. Some might be more adept than others. Some might need some therapy work, depending on if you have past trauma, and that’s too triggering. I understand.

But embracing that part of you will allow the love that you deserve and is coming your way. And it’s not as frustrating. So, as you ponder that, as you consider, what do I need to be willing to feel to purposely create people who hate me, let’s also start saying what needs to be said to the people who love you.

So, this is what I want you to consider. It’s just kind of like a laundry list of things to consider. Like what’s your branding, what’s your vibe like? What kind of feeling do you want your people to walk away with after they engage with you? What would you say if it was just you and your bestie talking coaching, problems, and your solutions?

Doesn’t matter if you’re—we use that bestie energy; not necessarily you have these conversations with your bestie—but if these were conversations you have with them, what kind of things would you say? Because she would not put up with your watered-down bullshit. Mm-hmm. She’d be like, “What? What? What are you even trying to say? Speak to me in plain words. Talk to me like I’m five years old. I don’t understand anything coming out of your mouth.” Right?

And I want you to think about like, what’s your favorite music? What are favorite movies? Things that make you you. Things that you get excited about talking about. What’s your favorite colors, your favorite food?

Dare I say politics or religion? If that’s what you are passionate about, what lights you on fire to talk about in your business and outside of your business? Bring that to the table. Let people see those parts of you. Let them see what you’re wildly passionate about in your business outside of business.

Share all of that with your audience. Tell them who you are, what you stand for, what you believe in, what you will argue until about until the cows come home with someone. And I want to note this episode. This episode was inspired by a company called Liquid Death. You may or may not know what Liquid Death is.

Their CEO right now is on, like, a gajillion podcasts. I found at least ten podcasts that he’s been on. I looked them up on social and it’s, like, a gajillion articles about how he is just considered a marketing genius because his philosophy was super simple. His philosophy was, “It’s better to be hated than to not be thought of at all.”

And, you know, he, it, his brand was that he was at a Van’s Warped tour and he sees all the Monster Rockstar Red Bull Energy drinks. The branding is loud, it’s brash, it’s punk rock, and you want to know what he did? He was like water. Water needs that kind of branding. That’s what Liquid Death is. Liquid death is water in a can.

He made water in a can, loud and brash and punk rock. And he has tons of haters because his logo is a flaming skull. And their tagline is: murder your thirst. But they’re fans love them. And I just, I need to, this is, I am not getting paid for this, but I do need to tell you that the Latta household, we are stocked.

We actually have it on our regular Amazon monthly delivery. The White Water in a can. That’s my son’s favorite. My favorite is the Black Liquid Death. That’s the sparkling water. And I got to tell you, the Severed Lime. Severed Lime. Get it? Severed. The Severed Lime is delicious. So, go ahead. Okay? Go ahead.

Check out what he has to say about marketing, but I’ve basically put it all in this episode here. Because are you willing to be—and here’s the thing, when I say, are you willing to be loud and brash and punk rock, that doesn’t mean that you, that’s who you are. I mean, take who you are and be loud about it. Be brash about it. Be punk rock about it.

Even if your vibe is more like quiet and thoughtful but be that way fully out loud for all to see. Say what you really want to say. Like, here’s the thing and here’s why. This is the Valentine’s message that I wanted to bring to you. This is the most loving thing you could ever do for yourself.

This is the highest level of self-love. Is to be fully you, unapologetically, without worrying about what other people are or are not going to say about you. While being okay feeling those emotions, that I invited you to at least identify, because there will be people who look at you and there might be a group of people who look at you and go, “Nope, mm, don’t like it. Don’t like it at all.”

But you like you; you love you. It’s unapologetic self-love. Your vibe. Your essence. What matters most to you? There’s no facade. There’s no second guessing. Your people don’t have to get to know one version of you, only to find out there’s another version of you. You are fully you and honoring you all the time.

There is no greater love story than that right there. That right there, that’s the love story I want you to write. See, this episode was awry. We started with hate. We went to cancel culture. Now we’re ending with the greatest love story of all time, and that is the love that you have for yourself. When you have that, there’s nothing you won’t be willing to share, and your people will eat it up.

They’ll want to be in that so much with you, and they’re going to want to learn how to be able to do it for themselves. It’s so, so powerful. All right? So go tell them what they need to hear today. I cannot wait. To see what you create. It’s going to be so exciting. All right, so if you don’t know a reminder to everybody, and for some people this might be news, there are three ways that you can work with me if you’re a brand-new coach or if you’ve made less than $10,000.

My program, Fee to Paid Coach, is an ongoing group program. It’s very low cost of entry. There are payments available. Once you are in, you are in forever. And then I have my Path to 100k Mastermind if you are in that $10 to $50,000 range. And we’re going to find out what’s working for you, what’s not working for you.

So, much of the work that we did, that I talked about on this podcast, is steeped all throughout Path to 100k, for sure. That is my six-month Mastermind. You can also work with me one-on-one. It can be business coaching. It can also simply be deep-dive coaching through a feminist lens so that you can go knock out whatever brilliant life that is waiting for you right now.

If you want to know how to work with me in any of those ways, you can send me an email at amy@amylatta.com. And, like, every week when you see this podcast hit social media, shared in your stories, tag me @ImAmyLatta and share what you needed to hear today. Let people know how this work is changing you and how it will change for them. I can’t wait to hear. I am so excited to see what you’re going to create in the world, and I’ll talk to you next week.

Coach, it’s time to sign your first free client, your first paid client, your next client, and to learn how to do it consistently and having a hell of a lot of fun along the way. This is exactly what you’re going to do in Free to Paid Coach. It’s the only program giving you step-by-step what to do to become a paid coach and step-by-step how to handle the roller coaster emotions that come with doing what you need to do to become a paid coach.

If you know you can’t not do this life coaching thing, but believing that you can do it, handling rejection and remembering how to do all of those things shuts you down, the Free to Paid Coach Community is waiting for you. Find everything that you’re looking for inside. It’s only $1,000. Payments are available, and then you’re in forever.

Visit www.amylatta.com/ftpc to join us right now. See you inside. Let’s get paid, coach.

Thanks so much for listening to The Confident Coaches Podcast. I invite you to learn more. Come visit me at amylatta.com and until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.