Ep #5: How to Stop Trash-Talking Yourself

You are listening to episode five of The Confident Coaches Podcast, the one where I talk about how to stop trash-talking yourself. Alright, let’s go.

Welcome to The Confident Coaches Podcast, a place for creating the self-confidence you need to do your best work as a life coach. If you want to bring more boldness, more resilience, and more joy to your work, this is the place for you. I’m your host, Amy Latta. Let’s dive in.

Hello my confident squad. How is everyone out there? I have to tell you, life at Casa Latta is pretty fabulous. I’m recording this a full week after our podcast launch and it’s just been a cocktail of emotions. Excited and accomplished and raw and vulnerable.

True story over here. It’s a really good thing that I know how to process this shit. Otherwise, the introvert that I actually am, I would be holed up in my bedroom, under my wubbie from all of the feels that I’ve been experiencing. But I’m happy to say, I haven’t been. I’ve been putting all of that embracing discomfort tools that I share with you guys, I’ve been putting all those tools to the test. Really practicing what I preach. Never ever doubt this. I walk this walk right along with you.

Alright, so it’s listener shout-out time, and here is what Confident Coaches listener Kristen wrote about the podcast in her review. She says, “I have been pushing myself more and more outside of my comfort zone and realizing that confidence is what I am lacking when I step into the land of new ideas and bold decisions. I’ve been looking for a way to step into my next level and boom, appears this podcast.

Thank you, Amy, for showing up with this exactly when I needed it. It’s already helping tremendously and I’m only three episodes in. The first episode alone was gold. I especially love how you give tangible, practical exercises, questions, or activities that we can dig into and implement right away.”

Friends, this is the kind of review that just makes my heart sing because Kristen is a long-time coaching colleague of mine. She is not a client of mine. And yet she is already seeing shifts and creating results just by listening to this podcast. This was exactly the intention that I sat in as I was creating the content, as I was brainstorming ideas.

This was my goal. So reading that, thank you so much, my friend. And Kristen emailed this review to me. She’s now entered into the giveaway, and she just might win that Apple Watch or that Amazon gift card. So if you want in, make sure that you are subscribing, rating, and reviewing, and then make sure you email that to me so that I know and I can get you entered.

And speaking of feeling all of the feels, I have learned that sometimes, when we succumb to all the feels, something kind of weird and freaky can happen. It’s crazy. We can start beating ourselves up for feeling the feels. It’s like, we’re beating ourselves up for being human. And it’s the craziest thing when we deny our humanity.

And the step I’m sharing with you today is actually the first major shift I had when I finally hired a coach of my own. Only after being completely stalled out in my coaching business for the 18 months after I got certified. But before we dive into that, let’s recap.

The five steps of creating self-confidence are purposeful belief, embracing discomfort, become your best mentor, have your own back, and evaluate and keep going. And today’s step is number four, that having your own back. How to stop trash-talking yourself. How to stop being a dick to yourself.

Because if we’re being honest, most of the stuff we just assume other people are thinking or will say, unless those words have come out of their mouth, that stuff is actually what we’re thinking about us. So here’s what happens. You start doing steps one, two, and three, and you start putting a new level of action out into the world.

And as much as I’d like to tell you that everything you do is going to be a winner, it won’t, because that is like, literally not how things work. Nothing ever in the history has ever worked that way.

Right now, I want you to think about a baby learning to walk. First, they have to roll over, then they have to sit up, then they scoot, then they walk. And it never goes smoothly, right? Babies face-plant all of time and they fall, they fail, they cry, and yet, they just keep trying.

And you know what we don’t do? We don’t trash-talk them. I mean really, can you imagine trash-talking a baby who’s trying to learn how to walk? We don’t shame them or ask them who do they think they are to be out here trying to walk when there are already billions of people out here walking. What makes you think you can too? No. We don’t do that because that’s being an asshole. Don’t be an asshole to yourself.

Remember, with those first three steps, when we’ve been preparing ourselves to believe without proof and learning how to feel all of the feels that come with that, and knowing that future you, your best mentor has done this work, and kind of like a big sister. She’s just waiting for you to arrive. Then we have to put the metal to the grindstone.

We’ll have so many ideas and you won’t have any idea if they’re going to work or not, and you’ll be making those decisions from that point of future you, and then we got to see what happens. You have to implement those ideas and those decisions. And many times, they’re not going to work.

Learning how you are going to build your successful coaching business means trying all kinds of things and falling on your face because that’s how we learn. Now, when we fall on our face, what most of us do, what has been modeled so well in our culture, unfortunately, is we beat ourselves up when we make mistakes.

We learned from a very young age, don’t fail. Failure is not okay. You got to win right out of the gate. And this is a real shame, because how are you supposed to learn what does and does not work for you if you don’t try stuff that isn’t going to work? There’s no learning in everything working.

Until I learned to work through this with my mentor, Stacey, I have to tell you, the words I would say to myself were worse than anything anyone else could ever say to me. And then all they had to do was look at me funny, I’d be like, “See? They agree.” They wouldn’t have even said anything because it was already in my head.

Like, well, that was dumb. What were you thinking? You’re never going to figure this out. Or my favorite, who the fuck do you think you are? Right? Ouch. Funny story, I actually have this image and this image really came to me in this past year when I was in 100K mentorship with my mentors and I was sharing this in a coaching session, a group coaching session.

And it’s like, are you guys familiar with The Simpsons? This is the visual I was giving in this coaching session of what it’s like in my head. So if you’re familiar with The Simpsons, it’s a cartoon that’s been on for like, over 30 years. And Marge is the wife. You know Marge, with her big tall blue hair. And Marge has two sisters, Patty and Selma.

Now, Patty and Selma, they have these really deep gravely voices. They smoke, they complain, and they point out all the shit that’s going wrong in the Simpsons household. But they’re Marge’s sisters and she loves them and she knows that they love her.

So I imagine something like that, but in my head. It’s like, I got Marge’s sisters in my head but really, it’s like a really shitty roommate, but they’re also a cousin so I can’t kick them out. And they’re just sitting on the couch judging everything I do, just like Marge’s sisters are like, “Well, that was dumb. Ugh, what were you thinking? You’re never going to figure this out.”

Friends, that is what is going on in my head. I don’t even need people to say anything because I’m already saying it myself. And half the times, those people aren’t even thinking what’s going in my head. It’s all in my head. It’s that crappy roommate chain smoking, pointing out everything wrong.

The visual is funny, but the feeling is not good. It’s not funny at all. So I actually meant to tell you, that voice showed up for about 10 minutes. I’m totally serious. It was like, 10 minutes this week. I was waiting for my coaching assignments for master coach training this month and my friend got her note about 15 minutes before I did.

And there was my shitty chain-smoking roommate in my head, “Yeah, they’re probably going to kick you out.” I mean, it’s ridiculous because it only lasted like, 10 minutes, but for 10 minutes, it was like, the worst-case scenario inside my brain.

And the thing is I know that all of you are doing this too, at least to some extent. Because I work with 20 one-on-one coaches at a time. I hear the crap you tell yourself. And we have to own that we are the ones stopping ourselves before we even get started when we talk to ourselves like that.

Most of these things we say to ourselves in our head, it’s like, old crap. We either heard it once, maybe multiple times growing up, or it was modeled for us by our parents or in school. And that trash-talking you hear in your head, it’s just all that old crap coming up to the surface. And you’re believing the trash-talkers. You’re believing the shitty roommate in your head. And here’s the thing; you don’t have to believe it.

Now, what’s super fascinating is when you do believe the trash-talkers, you’re just throwing a shame blanket on top of an already negative situation. It’s like you do something and it doesn’t work, and then you beat yourself up for it. And then you beat yourself up for beating yourself up. Oy vey. Oh, my goodness.

We throw a shame or a judgment blanket and you get to pick your blanket of choice. We throw this blanket on top of what’s already going on. That then becomes two things we have to work through instead of just the one thing that didn’t work out.

So first thing, before we can even deal with the mistake or the failure and the thoughts you have about that, we got to remove the shame blanket before we can even deal with the other thing. Because you can really spin in this cycle right here indefinitely. I did something big, I put it out, it didn’t work, I feel like crap, but I shouldn’t feel like crap, but I do feel like crap.

We can stay in that little cycle right there indefinitely. Nothing kills more dreams than the shame blankets that we walk around covered up in. And I just have to share, I just coached a brand-new client on this very thing just yesterday. In our first session two weeks ago, we got all of her creative juices flowing. She was so excited. I gave her her first week’s worth of coaching.

And then it was Thanksgiving so we didn’t get to talk that week, and then she just was hit by an emotional Mack truck and it just completely shut her down. Basically, I ruined her holidays unintentionally. So she came to me yesterday in our second session and she was just a shit ball of cocktail emotions.

Shame and desperation and anger and fear. She said it felt like she was being attacked by a monster, but the monster was in her own head. And I have to be so clear here. I am so honored to be able to work with so many different coaches through this crud because it feels so overwhelming when you are in the shame spiral.

And thanks to working through what I’m sharing on this episode, plus the how to embrace discomfort from episode three, my client left that call ready to keep going. Because believe it or not, you don’t have to beat yourself up. And in her case, she was beating herself up before she even got started.

Others wait until they have a bonafide fail on their hands. It’s not even the circumstance that matters. It’s that there’s never a point where you are justified in beating yourself and trash-talking yourself.

Did you know that? I know so many of us were raised to feel shame for doing something wrong or bad. It’s modeled in our parenting, it’s modeled in our schooling. So for some, it may come as a complete shock to know that we can mess up and not beat ourselves up.

So here’s what I want to offer instead. It’s what I first learned from my mentor Stacey. What really started the complete shift in me, it was not actually the steps one, two, and three. I didn’t start at purposeful belief and feeling uncomfortable and future you. It was this one. It was the having my own back and how to stop trash-talking myself.

And you can start by learning how to love yourself at your worst. Stacey called it loving your inner mean girl, and it was a huge turning point for me in me learning to let go of all of this self-doubt and self-loathing, and instead, create my own self-confidence and self-love.

I learned I could love the dark parts of me. I could love my inner mean girl. I could love myself when I mess up. I could love myself when I didn’t feel all that lovable. This really blew my mind. And it eventually led to me coming up with the rest of the five steps that I am sharing in these first few episodes.

And the way that I learned to love myself at my worst is to make all that crap in my head, all those bad thoughts, all that trash-talking, all the things my shitty roommate likes to say to me, I learned to make that a circumstance. Those thoughts are there. I let those thoughts, which yes, are optional, but right now they’re so overwhelming to me. I let those thoughts become a fact.

These are thoughts I am thinking that I hear in my brain. And rather than throw a shame blanket on top of it, rather than judge myself for even thinking them, first, what if I just acknowledged them? They are there. I can hear the thoughts. I hear the shitty roommate. She’s in my head chain smoking, probably eating all my food, watching all my Netflix.

And what if I just decided to feel love or grace or compassion for myself? And what came to me was this is me just being very human. All of this crap in my head. This is me being very human right now. My client yesterday, she was like, she’s like, “Yeah, I’m being just very extra human right now. I’m being very extra right now.”

So here, those thoughts just become a fact of what’s happening in my head. I can choose to think I’m just being very human right now, or this is what it means to be human. And I instantly feel compassion for the human, which is me. And that shame blanket starts to fall away.

Because instead of thinking I should not be talking to myself this way, I know better, I know my thoughts create my feelings and I shouldn’t be talking this crappy about myself, instead, I can choose to think, “Oh, I’m just being so very human right now.”

And one we saddle into that, once we let that shame blanket drop away, then we can actually work on the shitty thoughts. We can actually work on the stuff our crappy roommate is saying to us. And for that, I learned to create go-to thoughts.

Now, these are kind of like the thoughts that we did in the purposefully believing episode, but these are reserved for when you find yourself walking with a shit cocktail in your head. You don’t need these all of the time. This is maybe not necessarily what you need to sit in belief in every single day, but you do want to plan ahead. You do want to have them ready to go beforehand.

Because if you’re believing and feeling discomfort and doing all the things future you says to do, my friend, you’re going to do some things that don’t work. You’re going to say the wrong thing, you’re going to do the wrong thing. You will spend over $30,000 on Facebook ads before you start signing clients from them. True story.

You will say something that loses someone on a consult call. You will host a webinar and no one will show up. You will launch a new program and no one will buy. Interestingly, my fear here is launching a group program and not no one buying, but like, two people buying.

My brain, my crappy roommate tells me that that would actually be the worst. So you bet your butt right here, I have some have-your-own-back thoughts already figured out for when things like this happen. There are so many that we can go with here. I mean, the list really is endless.

One of my favorites right now though is even single consult call or coaching call or week of running Facebook ads or every single webinar, every single Facebook post, every single time I learn more and I just keep getting better. Every single time I do something, whether good or bad, I’m willing to learn from it and I keep getting better.

There are so many different options you can go with here. Like, this is a great adventure, and this is the fun part, I am ridiculously loved no matter what happens, this was meant to happen and I have everything I need, I’m a badass and I got this, I know what I need to do and I do know how I do it, it was always meant to happen this way, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

There’s so many thoughts available to you right now. Coming up with go-to thoughts is one of my favorite things to do with clients because it may be the first time they realize that we can think something that doesn’t make us feel like shit when we don’t get the outcome we want.

This can be big news. It’s kind of mind-blowing to realize that we can not have to think terribly about ourselves when we aren’t perfect. Because we aren’t perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist, right? We’re just so very human. So for you listening, how can you create some of these go-to thoughts for you?

I’ll tell you what my coach told me. This is the question. How can you love yourself even at your worst? What would you need to think in order to feel love or grace or compassion for yourself? I find that some people struggle with love if they haven’t had a lot of practice, and most everyone can find grace or compassion.

These are always great emotions to strive for. So ask yourself, what thoughts feel like love or grace or compassion? Try some of those go-to thoughts on, just like we described when trying on thoughts of belief in episode two. Have different ones written down.

I actually have mine posted on colorful note cards in my office. They’re on a stack at the side of my desk. I know where they are. I also have a list of them on my phone so that no matter where I am, I can pull them up and remind myself what feels like love.

Now, Brené Brown said, “Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do,” and friends, I have to tell you, I cannot overstate the importance of this step number four. Having your own back. Even at your worst.

Many coaches don’t see its need until they find themselves in the midst of a shame storm and they can’t get out. This is the work that will help you get out. And you’ll need it because as you grow, as you reach each new level, the more opportunity for that shame blanket to want to wrap up around you.

And this work, not only is it the bravest thing that you’ll do. It will create so much confidence in yourself that no matter what, you are there for you. So here is an activity that I love doing with my clients. It’s called I am awesome even when. And what you do is you list five positive and five negative things that you do or outcomes that you’ve had and create “I am awesome even when” statements.

Goes a little something like this. I am awesome even when I sign a client this week. I am awesome even when I haven’t signed a client in months. I am awesome even when I snuggle with my kids. I am awesome even when I’m yelling at my kids. And you can make this all about business. You can include your entire life. It doesn’t really matter because it’s actually just a super fun Jedi mind trick and I use this all of the time.

The juxtaposition of I am awesome with both great and not great things tells your brain that it doesn’t matter what you are doing and what happens. You’re always still awesome. It stops focusing on the things you do and say and instead, just on the fact that you are awesome never changes no matter what comes in the second half of that sentence.

I have also done this with, “I am worthy even when,” and, “My life is awesome even when.” I have used the I am worthy even when with a client who has PTSD and it created a huge shift in her and she didn’t stop at five each. She created five new ones every day for like, a week or two. It was huge for her and it was able to allow her once she worked through some of that, she was actually able to get back to the work of working on her coaching business.

There you go, my confident squad. Having your own back. Stop being the trash-talking. Dropping the shame blanket. This changed everything for me and I know it can for you too. See you next week.

Hey friends, to celebrate the launch of this show, I am giving away some serious fabulousness. Four lucky listeners will win a $50 gift card to Amazon, while one lucky listener will win a free Apple watch. No joke. A series four 40-millimeter gold stainless steel with Milanese loop. Just like the one I wear. I love it.

And those are some seriously awesome goods to five lucky listeners who subscribe, rate, and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Of course, I hope you love the show, but it does not have to be a five-star review. Because I want your honest feedback so I can create an awesome show that provides tons of value.

So go visit www.amylatta.com/podcastlaunch to learn more about the contest and how to enter. I’ll be announcing the winners on the show in an upcoming episode. Thanks friends.

Thanks so much for listening to The Confident Coaches Podcast. I invite you to learn more. Come visit me at www.amylatta.com and until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.