You are listening to episode 79 of The Confident Coaches Podcast, the one where you stop trying to make yourself better. Yep, we’re going to go there. Let’s go.
Welcome to The Confident Coaches Podcast, a place for creating the self-confidence you need to do your best work as a life coach. If you want to bring more boldness, more resilience, and more joy to your work, this is the place for you. I’m your host, Amy Latta. Let’s dive in.
Hello my confident coaches. How’s everybody doing out there? I hope you’re all doing amazing. I hope you all had an amazing weekend. I am officially all vaccinated, I’m so excited. I’m fully vaccinated, look out world.
I’ve already made one trip to Vegas beforehand. But I am so excited because in a couple of weeks I will be going to see my mom. I’m going to go see my family. I’ve not seen them, it’s literally been years, like before the pandemic it had been a long time.
My mom lives in the Pacific Northwest and I live in the Midwest and just the logistics, airfare, trying to get everybody out there, not in the same place at the same time kind of situation has happened multiple times. And it’s always been, “All right, well we’re going to figure this out.” And then we were hit with a pandemic. And so now, yeah, vaccinations in, I’m going to go see my mama. I’m going to go give her big, big hugs.
So I’m feeling pretty good right now. And it’s really funny, I’m so excited about today’s episode because it’s really, you’ve all caught on that this podcast is just for me, right? We are on episode 79 and if you have not picked up, this podcast is for me, hello.
Everything that I share in this podcast is 100% the work that I have done, that I am doing. And as I go deeper, and I do more work, I might come back and say, “You want to know what was wrong about something?” It’s what I did last week in the stop celebrating small wins.
You know, as I grow and as I learn more, I’m going to share those insights with you because this is my work. This is me doing the confidence work so that I can coach other coaches on how to be more confident. It’s not because I’m naturally gifted in confidence, my friends. And that’s why it’s the best work, right? Like, that’s why we do what we do. We do the work for us. And then we share it with others as an example of what’s possible.
And this right here, I want to go ahead and start diving into this episode because it was a real, I want to preface all of this, that this is such a nuanced shift, but the energetic shift that came with a small nuance in language and thinking, the energetic shift is everything.
Really notice what I said there, a small, nuanced shift in my thinking has created an enormous shift in my feeling and in my energy. And how I’m going to be showing up from this point forward.
Because what I want to talk about is what would it look like, what would it be like if you stopped trying to improve yourself? And by the end of this, you’re going to know exactly why this quest to always make yourself better is not actually a confidence building quest at all.
So let’s start with what’s so wrong with improving yourself. So, right out of the gate here it is, improving means to make better. I looked it up in the dictionary. Specifically, to make better than. Improvement is better than something that currently exists. So like better than you are now.
Inherently built into that statement is that where you are now is a problem and we got to change it. Now, this is kind of the backbone of the self-help and personal development industry, to which I have been a huge champion for literally as long as I can remember.
It’s also a lot of the reason why the industry gets so much flak from outsiders. There’s a lot of reasons why the industry gets a lot of flak from outsiders, but this is a big one. It’s like we’re constantly saying there’s something wrong with you and I can help you change it, right?
Coaching fits right into this, my friends. Like if you write a book as a life coach, I guarantee you that you’re going to find it in the self-help section at the Barnes and Noble. And self-help, and personal growth, and personal development are all built on the surface of this underlying idea that there’s something wrong with you, and here’s how we’re going to fix it.
And I’ve totally sold coaching from this place before by the way. Like in old consult calls when I still did consult calls, I’d be like, “Here’s point A, you want to be to point B. Here’s how I’m going to get you from here to there.” And even though I wasn’t necessarily saying where you are now sucks there was just this underlying vibe of it’s so important to change this. We got to change this so that you can get to point B.
And before I was a Life Coach School trained coach, I was a health coach and I created all kinds of content in order to create traction of any kind, because I really didn’t know. I hadn’t gone through certification, I didn’t know about the coaching model, which I’m going to share in just a second.
I certainly didn’t know how to sell coaching in any way, shape, or form. And so it was all about like posting memes and quotes and all kinds of stuff. One of my favorite means that I made up, and this came out like a year before I went to coaching school, is I made this meme that said, “God doesn’t make mistakes, he makes jewels. Often broken and dirty, but gems nonetheless.” What a crock of shit.
And I loved that quote. I loved that quote. And to be clear, the caption that went along with that meme was, “No matter where you have been, or what you have done in this life, you are a gem and you are worthy of being treated as such by others and by yourself.”
And that is the crux of the message, right? That’s the crux that I think we really want all of our clients to know and what I want you to know. Your worth is inherent. There’s nothing that you can do to devalue yourself. You deserve to be treated like the amazing human being that you are right now. And got it, love it, I still preach the hell out of that.
But that first part that I shared about broken and dirty gems, that part kind of sucked, right? It’s like I’m saying, “Listen, you’re a broken piece of a gem that most people would kick aside as they walked down the street. But I know that even though you’re a cruddy piece of crap in the gutter, I still see your beauty and I’ll pick you up and I’ll clean you off so you can see it too.” Like the too long, don’t read version of that is you might be a complete piece of shit, but you are still worthy.
Now I want to be really clear, not every single thing in the self-help, personal development, and personal growth department is built on this crux right here. Okay? So anybody that’s out there going, “Hey now, so and so…” Not every person, like I want to make sure that you don’t think that I’m making a blanket statement.
But I really want you to see even the subtle nuance of let’s change, let’s improve because something’s wrong with where you are now. And when you really see the energetic difference, I’m going to share a real-life example of how this is happening in my life right now. When you really share that small shift in verbiage that we say to our clients, and how we talk to our clients, the energetic shift.
So there are definitely people who are like, “Where you are now sucks, and we got to change it.” And then there’s people like, “Let’s accept where you are right now, in order to change it.” And there are absolutely people, because a lot of them are my mentors, who are like, “There’s nothing wrong with you. How do we make this experience on earth even better?”
Okay, so that’s kind of a disclaimer before anybody comes at me and says, “Now, so and so…” I am making a broad generalization when I say all personal development relies on the there’s something wrong with you, but you’re still worthy. Because not everybody is saying that.
And what I really want to pay attention to is that when we’re saying, “There’s something wrong with you, but you’re still worthy.” This is just like a couple of episodes ago when I talked about what are you putting in the C line that really goes on the T line?
So if you are brand new here, I had mentioned the model, this is the coaching tool that I learned from the Life Coach School. And that is CTFAR.
C is circumstances, what are the facts of your life? What is the fact? How many people are on your calendar or not? How many dollars have you made? How much weight Have you lost or have you gained? It’s factual, seven and a half billion people on the planet would agree.
And then your C’s, you create T’s, thoughts. You have thoughts about those circumstances. I’m broken, but I’m still loved. That is a T every day of the week, but so many of us put it in the C line. And that’s why we think we need improving.
It’s like we’ll say I did this terrible, horrible thing, or I have this terrible, horrible situation going on and it shouldn’t be. And we’ll put that in our C line. And then we’ll go get coaching on how can I think differently about this terrible, horrible thing so that I can feel better. And uh-huh, we’re not going to be playing that game no more.
This is the number one thing that I call my clients out on. What are you putting in the C line that really goes in the T line? It’s also part of the first question I ask as far as like the simple confidence, what are you believing that you don’t have to?
And just now I hit on what it is you really want. Let’s put this terrible, horrible thing in the C line so I can find a new thought to think so that I feel better.
And that’s what you really want is to feel better. It’s what all of our clients want. It’s what you want. It’s what I want, right? You want to lose weight. You want to have a better marriage. You want to make more money as a life coach. Maybe it’s through confidence, maybe it’s through something else. Because what you really want is to feel better than you do right now.
It’s why people seek out self-help and personal development. You don’t feel great right now. You’re not happy. You’re not motivated. You’re not confident. You feel doubt, discontent, longing, disappointment, and you think it’s your circumstance that’s creating that. Amy, look at my calendar, look at the lack of consults, look at the lack of clients. Look at all my posts, see all the people not engaging on it.
And you will think that that is creating your discontent or your longing and your disappointment. And you’re thinking if I could just create different results, then I will feel better. Coach, you know better than that, right? New results do not change how we feel. But how you feel now might create some new results.
And what’s so amazing is you do not need to improve yourself in order to feel better. You can stop improving yourself because your inherent desire to improve yourself is rooted in your inherent desire to feel better. And you can feel better without changing anything about where you are.
This is the best news ever. You do not have to change your C to get a new F. You don’t have to change your circumstance to get a new feeling. Because Cs don’t cause Fs. What causes feelings? Your thoughts do.
You can feel better right now by changing how you think, and you don’t have to change anything else. You don’t have to change where you are. You don’t have to change what you weigh. You don’t have to change how many offers you’re making, how many consults are on your calendar, how many clients you talk to every week.
All of that can stay exactly the same as it is right now and you can still feel more confident, more motivated and loved, and happier because you change what you’re putting in the C line and what you’re putting in the T line.
And before you all go, “Did she just say it’s my thoughts, but coach she just said it’s my thoughts. Dang it.” No, before you go to. “Is this just another change your thoughts episode?” I mean, technically it is. But let’s look at a new way to change your thoughts. We’re going to look at this from a slightly different angle because what’s the alternative to improving yourself?
I want to introduce the idea that you don’t have to improve yourself, but you can support yourself. So what if we made supporting ourself a priority over improving ourselves? And what do I mean by that? Okay, so first of all, where this came to me was I use an I am worthy exercise in CCM and it’s a carryover from my weight coaching.
So it’s part of the have your own back step, that step four in my five steps of creating self-confidence. Which is all of what you learn inside CCM. So I’m teaching you now all of like the three steps of simple confidence which is, what are you believing you don’t have to? What do you want to believe instead? And what’s your next best step decision from that place?
And then inside CCM, I break it out even further with the five full steps to creating self-confidence. We take all three of those things and I show you exactly how to do it with all of my steps and my tools inside of CCM.
And having your own back is a huge part of that process because really, if you know you always have your own back it doesn’t matter where you are, what you do, how many times you messed up, how many different ways you say things wrong or do things wrong, or don’t have what you want going on. You have your own back and that is so much confidence right there.
So I have this I am worthy exercise and the basics of this exercise are I am worthy even when… And you take something that you perceive as positive and then you alternate that with something you perceive as negative. So I am worthy even when I have a full calendar booked of consults. I am worthy even when I have no calls for two months.
When I was a weight loss coach it would be like, I am worthy even when I have a grilled chicken salad, which is what I planned on eating. I am worthy even when I have a bag of Oreos. You know I am worthy even when I weigh 140, I am worthy even when I weigh 120. So the idea is you’re just juxtaposing.
It’s a Jedi mind trick to help your brain see that you are worthy no matter what you do ever. And I’ve given this to my clients before, and like that first part, you can change it up, I am worthy. I am enough. And last month I started writing I accept myself. So I am worthy even when positive thing, negative thing. I am enough even when positive thing, negative thing. I accept myself even when positive thing, negative thing.
It’s such a great tool because you can use it however you need to use it. And of course, what I love about it, back to that gem comment from earlier in this episode is the idea that no matter what you do, no matter what you have, you are worthy enough, you are enough, you are accepted.
And accepted came to me because I accept myself is a big part of what we talk about in life coaching. I want to accept where I am now so that I can change it. But there’s a nuance in that wording that just wasn’t quite connecting for me.
So just this past week I shifted to, I support myself even when. Because when I looked at I accept myself, I felt a little bit like that broken and dirty gem kicked off to the side of the street, waiting for someone else to see my hidden beauty.
It was like I accept myself kind of sounds like, “I mean, this thing sucks, but it’s okay, I still love me.” Whereas, I support myself kind of sounds more like, “I love this. And what’s next?”
I accept myself and I want to improve myself has a solid so I can change because I really do need to change vibe going on. Whereas I support myself is more of a vibe along the lines of I don’t need anything to change. And also, how can we make this more enjoyable? Or what’s next for us?
I accept myself so I get to improve myself also has a rush vibe to it. It’s like, “Okay, let me be okay where I am right here so that I can change it. And the faster the better, let’s be honest, right? Because it does need to change, so let’s get into acceptance as soon as possible so that I can change it as soon as possible.”
Again, we think we will feel better there, in our improved state than we do now. And of course, we want to feel better as fast as possible. But supporting myself, there’s no rush to it. I am not in a hurry when I’m supporting myself. Because right here is really pretty great. Because I can feel better anytime I want to with those simple confidence steps. And also, because I know everything I want is inevitable.
We talked a little bit about this in the last episode, I’m pretty sure, about wins. It’s all going to happen. I’m in no hurry to get there because there is 100% happening no matter what, I believe it. And it actually starts by feeling it now and deciding what I actually want to change from a place of supporting myself and not from a place of needing to improve myself.
It’s one of the reasons, and I’m always reminded of Tan France from Queer Eye. I don’t know if you watch the show, if you know who I’m talking about. He’s the clothing person in the Queer Eye show. So when he works with someone on their clothing, he always makes it clothing for that person.
So if this person loves sweats and slubby tees, he notes that this person likes to feel comfortable. And he’ll always put them in something stylish and yet is still them. And what Tan always says, and which is something I’ve 100% adopted is, “It’s you, elevate it.” There was nothing wrong with how you dressed before per se, we’re just going to elevate it and make it a much more enjoyable experience for you.
It’s not improved, they do call it a makeover show, but it’s not necessarily like made over, it’s not completely redone. He’s not turning you into something that you aren’t because what you are already is pretty amazing. Because you aren’t broken to begin with. You are who and what you are and it’s already good. What’s next for us? How can we make this experience on this planet even more enjoyable than it already is.
So I want to share a real-life example of the difference between I need to improve myself, and I’m going to support myself instead. So a couple of weeks ago, again, I can’t remember timelines at this point. It was after Vegas. I shared a post on my social media and I emailed it out to my email list and it was about my weight gain.
And the post included pics of me 20 pounds heavier in just two years, in my new swimsuit, in my hotel room in Las Vegas. And I’m going to tell you right now, you post a picture of you in a swimsuit, that’s a showstopper. Anyone in a swimsuit on the internet is going to get people to stop and they are going to read.
So basically, here’s what I wrote. So I’m just going to read to you what I wrote. I’ve been in a battle with my body for over a year and I finally put my weapons down this month and I made peace with her. Yes, I have gained 20 pounds in the past two years, but this isn’t a weight story. This is a my body is changing story.
I am 47 years old. My period comes any time between two and nine weeks. I have night sweats. I have hot flashes. I wake up multiple times per night. I have cheek acne. I have tummy fat I’ve never had before. My boobs and my butt are bigger. The food and the workout fixes I’ve relied on since my 30s no longer work.
And somehow putting this horrible thing is happening to my body in the circumstance line, and then trying to think and feel better about it so that I can fix it, didn’t work. You see there, right there I was trying to accept where I was so that I can improve it. It wasn’t working.
I decided to stop trying to fix it. I agreed to not start anything new until I loved my body in my bones and was okay if it never changed. I decided to feel confident in my perimenopausal body.
And I’m using the simple confidence process that I shared just last week. First, what do I believe that I don’t have to? I’m believing my body is under attack. That this shouldn’t be happening. And that this isn’t okay.
Second, what do I want to believe instead? I’d like to believe, you know, my body’s doing exactly what it’s supposed to. I am my body’s best friend. I listen to everything it wants to tell me.
And then third, what’s the next best step decision I can make from here? I’m prioritizing sleep. I’m limiting coffee to one cup. I’m starting different styles of workout, working on strengthening my knees. I’m eating simpler and paying attention to how different foods feel.
I’m in no hurry. I’ve bought new clothes that fit my body as it is now, including trying on 10 swimsuits to find the one I feel like a goddess in. Now I’m sharing what I’m doing every day in my Instagram stories. I’m sharing different workouts and foods, and no doubt the different moods because confidence in anything is not linear. I expect some days I won’t so much be feeling it.
I’m excited to talk about perimenopause in a way no one else is and whether you’re going through the same or just want to feel more confident in your body, watch how I apply these simple confidence tools that you learn inside CCM to my body.
All right, so that was the post. And I want to tell you, first of all, most popular post of all time. Like even as of this recording I am still responding to messages and emails and comments. Like some people I’m like, “I know you messaged me. I’m still trying to find where it was.” I got DMs in all my DM boxes, emails, comments. Because it was on Facebook, it went out to my email list, and it was on Instagram.
So here’s what’s happened since I posted that in a couple of weeks. First of all, I’ve lost one pound. Yep, two weeks one pound. For all I know its water weight, right? But what I do know is this, I have moved my body more than I was moving it before. I’m eating more consciously. I actually feel better in my clothes, also because I’m only wearing those clothes that actually fit me really well, most of which are new because I’ve had to buy them.
I am sleeping better, even with the night sweats. This is probably the biggest one right now. I am somehow sleeping better, even though the night sweats and the insomnia is still here. And probably because I’m not making them a huge deal anymore.
I’ve only had one night of overthinking insomnia where I really couldn’t fall back asleep. The rest of these nights I just keep waking up, thanks to those hormones, and then I fall right back to sleep pretty no big deal. Like I think last night I woke up four or five times and I just roll over and I just fall right back to sleep again. Because I’m not making it a big deal.
I feel better. I am more confident in my body even though that body hasn’t actually changed much at this point. My body has not improved, but by supporting myself I am feeling better. It’s because I stopped trying to improve myself.
Remember, one pound, my clothes still feel the same. I’m really only one heavy meal and that pound is right back. But I found a way to truly love where I was. To accept myself, yes, but way more importantly than that, to support myself.
Remember accepting so that I could improve myself would have been like, “This is a terrible thing that’s happening. But hey, I’m still lovable.” Supporting myself is, “I am so lovable right now, let’s see how we can make this even more enjoyable.” I didn’t need to improve myself in order to feel improved. I literally just said, “This is good.”
Now to be clear, I don’t want to just accept night sweats and insomnia, and also, I really do. I mentioned knee strengthening exercises, that 20 pounds has put more pressure on my legs and I am in pain when I walk up a flight of stairs. So like the supporting myself is finding the ways that support these things, as opposed to this thing is totally horrible, wrong, and bad and I need to do whatever I can and I need to take drastic measures in order to change it.
Because thinking that this is a problem I have to fix, that I need to improve this and I need to improve it as fast as I humanly can, that does not help me. It feels like shame. When you think there’s something wrong, and you have to fix it right away, how does that feel?
If it feels terrible. One or two things are happening. For me it’s both of them, I either shut down and I don’t do anything. Or I shift into overdoing it mode, and I’m over criticizing my food, and I’m overdoing the workout stuff. I’m working harder than my body can actually handle it because I’m in a hurry to get the weight off as fast as I humanly can. I’m trying way more drastic things with my food, because I’m trying to get the weight off as fast as I humanly can.
This is what I was actually doing for almost the past year. And it feels terrible because those actions aren’t from love, they are from shame. And shame just isn’t sustainable. If I don’t lose any more pounds but I move my body every day. And I focus on how all foods feel in my body and I only eat what feels good. And I only wear what feels amazing no matter the number on the label. And I get stronger, and I sleep better because I’m taking better care of me.
And yeah, I’m even reaching out to a functional medicine doctor to say, “Hey, everything’s fine. And this is normal. How can we make this completely normal thing even more enjoyable?” And that’s how I can support myself rather than working on improving myself. Bring on a professional who knows a lot more about this than I do. And we can make this normal thing more enjoyable. And I can do those knee strengthening exercises and not try to kill myself in my workout.
And what’s really interesting is that by taking the focus off the pounds, I’m actually creating everything I really wanted. Like in a consult call, we tell our clients, “You’re at point A and you want to be at point B, and here’s how we’re going to get there.” Sometimes we get there by supporting ourselves. I love this and what’s next, rather than this is a problem and we are going to fix it together.
And maybe the pounds actually do fall off, maybe they don’t but I’m still strong and healthy in a body that I love. And I feel amazing in a way that works with me instead of working against me.
All right, so how do we take this weight conversation, this perimenopausal conversation, this real-life situation that’s going on with me, and turn it into a feeling more competent in business conversation? I can tell you this right now, nothing translates better to business than body love and weight loss.
When I was coaching weight loss, I was also coaching businesswomen on their businesses, and I was coaching the exact same stuff. Arguing with where you are, wanting it to change, thinking anything was going wrong, learning to love and support yourself exactly where you are. And that is creating confidence on the front end so that then everything else falls into place.
It’s like the same damn work because the bottom line is this, you want to feel more confident. And maybe you think more clients will do that. Maybe you think more income will do that. What if that’s not true? What if you can love your business as it is right now? What if you can have fun meeting as many people as possible, making offers to help them. Talking to people about how you can help them. Telling your story and being excited discovering new ways to tell it every day.
And you’re going to do that by supporting yourself, “I love this, and how can we make it even more enjoyable and what’s next?” Versus improving yourself, “There’s something wrong with where I am. I mean, I’m going to accept it. But let’s get out of it as soon as possible.”
Right here is completely normal. If you are new in business and you don’t have regular clients, you don’t have regular consults, you don’t have regular engagement, that is normal. Just like my body going through perimenopause at 47, that is normal.
There’s no business that escapes not having people on the books. That is a normal part of being a coach, nothing has gone wrong here. Your business is actually doing exactly what it’s supposed to do, not creating consults and clients so that you can learn how you are going to do that.
And you’re going to do that through supporting yourself and going into what’s next for us mode. That’s where that simple confidence comes in right now. Challenging what you’re believing that you don’t have to. Deciding what you want to believe instead. And making next best step decisions each day to move forward.
Because you don’t have to be fixed. You don’t have to have a perfectly planned calendar. You don’t have to have full belief. You don’t have to be super clear on everything. You can be a hot mess. You can be moody and unsure. You can have days where you think you’re the only coach that’s struggling with what you’re struggling with.
You don’t have to improve, you can support yourself instead. And that is that, I love me and I love all of this, and what’s next for us? As soon as you do that you start to see all the ways you don’t need fixed. You find all those times you do show up for your calendar and you are in belief. You notice how you are clear and where you aren’t a mess at all.
What I just described right there, my coach and I used the sky analogy in a coaching call recently. Like we understand the sky is blue, almost everyone would agree, right? And that’s the ideal, that’s like the norm. But also sometimes it’s purple, or orange, or gray. Now, we never doubt that the sky is blue, even when it’s gray or purple or orange.
We never think that the sky needs to be fixed when it’s gray so that it can be blue again. It’s also still blue, it’s just in this moment it’s a little gray. And I love it like that. Also, what’s next for us? You’re not broken and need fixed, or unbroken and don’t need fixed. You are always a blue, amazing sky that sometimes has different colors.
We believe skies are the most ideal when they are blue. I mean, most people, there are even people who don’t even believe that, right? But they’re also beautiful no matter what color.
A gray or discolored sky is not broken, and neither are you. That’s why you don’t have to improve. You are still just right and perfect and you can support you right here where you are, no matter what, with love. Because you can love this right now, and also, what’s next for us and what can we do to make this even more enjoyable?
You get to decide. You get to decide what you want to change and only if you actually truly want it, not because you need improving. Everything that I’ve shared with you in this podcast episode I’m really taking everything that I’ve shared, and I’m looking at CCM, my mastermind that launches in July and again in October. How does this change how I’m going to coach confidence?
What happens when we take the focus off the numbers and instead focus on supporting ourselves? Here’s what I do know, the numbers are inevitable when you do focus on supporting yourself. The numbers are inevitable when you celebrate those wins, like last week’s episode, and love where you are right now because it’s completely normal and nothing is wrong. And you support yourself through it rather than I need to change it.
I can’t wait to see what I create as I keep processing this and how it’s going to change CCM. Like no doubt though, July’s class will be the best freaking class ever because I keep doing this work myself on this end and processing it for me, which allows me to coach you even better and make CCM even better every single round.
All right my friends, so you don’t need to improve, but you can support. Focus on supporting and let go of the need to improve. Improving is, “This ain’t that great, but it’s okay and I love myself here. Now let’s go change it as soon as possible.” Supporting is, “You know what? I love it here. How can we make this whole process more enjoyable and what’s next for us?”
All right my confident coaches, let’s remember, until next week let’s go do epic stuff.
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