Growing up as a people pleaser and a “good girl,” following rules has been a huge part of my life. I wanted so much to make sure not to rock the boat and that everyone liked me, all while having a fire and passion inside of me to follow my dreams, which sometimes meant breaking rules.
Join me this week as I invite you to throw out the rules and run your business by abiding by your values instead. I’m showing you how the work of questioning rules is an absolute game-changer, especially if you too identify as a people pleaser, and why the notion of throwing them out might be scary.
You are listening to episode 93 or The Confident Coaches Podcast, the one where you drop every rule you’ve ever followed and what to do instead. All right coach, let’s go.
Welcome to The Confident Coaches Podcast, a place for creating the self-confidence you need to do your best work as a life coach. If you want to bring more boldness, more resilience, and more joy to your work, this is the place for you. I’m your host, Amy Latta. Let’s dive in.
Well hello. Hi my confident coach, how are you doing today?
As always, I am so excited to be able to talk with you today. I have two back to back episodes, this is part one. Part two will be next week, that were such a key to my path to 100K. Like the essential right here work that I did.
And so I’m so excited about today’s episode because I have actually been talking about this for a couple of podcasts here. This is not going to be completely new, but we’re going to go way more in depth into two things that I’ve been talking about fairly regularly for the past couple of months.
And I wanted to dedicate two episodes to just these things because here’s the reason why, I’ve been talking about it. Right off the bat you’re like, “Oh yeah, yeah, I heard Amy talking about this already. I already know what this is.” But here’s what I really am starting to understand, because I needed to do this also.
You will get these concepts intellectually, but then really struggle to integrate them regularly into your life. It will be like one of those things you’re like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I get it.” And then you’ll turn around and you’ll keep doing the exact thing that you just said that you understand that you don’t need to do anymore.
And I know you are, because I did it too. Hi, welcome to the podcast. I’m Amy and I’ve literally done everything that’s going on in your head. That’s where these podcast episodes come from every week.
But before we dive into these next two podcasts, I just really want to thank all of you, again, for your amazing comments and shares on Instagram and on Facebook. I just wanted to thank you guys for when you leave reviews on Apple Podcasts, when you’re downloading and sharing on Spotify, when you hit me up in your DMs, when you share in your stories. Because being able to meet my podcast listeners, this is the only way I can meet you.
This is not a podcast that I take on the road. And so this is my way of being able to meet you. And I actually want to give a listener shout out. Do you want a listener shout out? This is one of the ways you can do it. So Simone Moreau, the only thing I know is that Simone is up in Canada because her review on Apple Podcasts said it was from Apple Podcasts Canada.
Simone left a review this past month and this is what she said. First of all, she titled it best podcast. So I was already like, “Love her, she’s my favorite.”
This is the review that Simone left. “Amy, I love your style, candidness, and fierce love that you inject into each week’s podcast. Every week I leave with an actionable step to build the business of my dreams. I love it. Thank you for being you.”
Simone, I thank you for being you. Seriously, every single one of you who listen every week, or even if you are brand new, and this is the first time you’ve ever listened, you’re going to catch on really, really quickly that as I sit down to record, like, I don’t do live podcast recordings. But I do imagine myself kind of on a stage sitting on a couch with a little microphone. And I’m just like, sharing my love out to all of you in the audience.
This is what I visualize every time I come into, I was going to say the sound booth, there’s no sound booth. I’m just sitting in my office. I know what it’s like to struggle with confidence. And I actually still do struggle with confidence. Why? Because I have a human brain, I’ve just learned how not to let my human brain stop me anymore.
Which is what The Confident Coaches Podcast is all about. It’s what Confident Coaches Mastermind, my paid group, CCM, that’s what it’s all about. And listen, that right there, I just don’t let that stop me anymore. That in and of itself is such a confidence boost. Just to know that my human brain is still going to be with me and it’s still going to tell me crazy things all the time. And that’s what we’re going to be talking about over these next two episodes, all the crazy things that it tells us.
And I just don’t have to let it stop me anymore and I don’t let it stop me anymore. That right there. Just that knowledge. Just me saying that out loud, I automatically feel more confident. And that’s what I want for all of you that are out there listening right now.
You, right now listening, terrified, or struggling, or unsure, or feeling a little wishy washy, or feeling a little frustrated. Frustrated is a common feeling this time in the year. It’s August, we’re starting to feel frustrated if the goals that we had set aren’t coming to fruition. We’re starting to wonder if maybe this is really going to work out. I’m talking to you. I’m talking to you right now.
And as you listen to each episode, every single week, I want you to make sure that you go find the posts. So every Tuesday when we have a podcast drop, there is a post that goes out on Instagram and there’s a post that goes out on my business Facebook page. If you follow me on my personal page, you want to be on the business page to find my podcast drops. And I invite you to comment, what are your takeaways? What are your questions?
Because as Simone shared, I give you actionable steps in like 99% of these episodes. What are the actionable steps you’re going to take this week? Come share them in the comments. Rate and review on Apple Podcasts, share them in your stories, just make it a shout out.
But you’ll 100% get even more of my love for you because I will know you are a podcast listener. And I’ll be like, “Oh, that’s one of the phases that I’m seeing in the crowd as I’m visualizing myself sitting here talking to each of you.”
In today’s episode, which again is kind of – When I first wrote it, it was just going to be one episode. But as I got deeper into it, I’m like I think these are two different ones. So these next two episodes are 100% in that been there, done that, from my heart kind of episodes. And what I’m talking about specifically today was an absolute game changer for me. And I know it will be for you too.
So it was just over three years ago, in the spring of 2018. So this episode is coming out August of 2021. So we’re talking I don’t remember exactly when, but it was just over three years ago that I had a breakthrough in my own mastermind.
So in the mastermind that I pay for and that I am in. I’d been in for around six months. And, again, I can’t 100% be sure when this conversation, if it came before or after the six month mark. April would have been six months. So was it March, April? It was sometime in there, plus or minus.
So let’s just say that it was six months of continuous belief and self-love work. Six months solid. Yeah, that’s how much I needed, my friends. Y’all are like, “I ain’t got results and it’s been a week.” And I’m like, “Dude, I needed months of deprogramming before I figured out how to stop listening to my Helga all of the time.”
And even then, I didn’t learn all of that in my original mastermind. The tools I teach now really are a lot of what I learned there, but also a lot of what I learned from other mentors. Plus what I discovered myself. So I didn’t even really have the whole Helga brain thing down at this point. I just was doing belief work and self-love work, no matter what. And six solid months of it.
So I’m six solid months in and I’m finally, finally cracking that shell that maybe, just maybe it would be okay to create something just because I want to. I know, crazy idea, right?
Some people come right out of the gate, ripping and roaring. I was more like, “Hey, is it okay if I come out here everybody? Am I going to get eaten alive? I really do think that I can help people. And I really want to, and I really like this work.” I was not so much rip roaring out of the gate, my friends. I was like, “I need you all to like me.” 100%.
So my coach was really working on my little girl energy. Like did you feel that when I was talking like that? It’s a very little girl energy, right? So what we would coach on would be like, “Notice how your good little girl likes to step in at decision making time and take over.” When I’ve just had really powerful ideas, and then all of a sudden, little girl would show up.
Have you ever been in a situation where you are by yourself and you’re thinking, “When I see so and so I’m going to say this and I’m going to let them know that. And it’s because I know that this is true and this is what I believe.” Then you see so and so or that thing comes up and despite all of that hard belief, and power, and drive, and passion, and fire inside of you, your good little girl steps in at the last minute.
And you realize suddenly, all of a sudden, you’re making nice and saying things that you don’t really mean and agreeing with things that you don’t really want to. And you are not saying what you really want to say. This was me.
This is what me and my coach were really working on from October of 2017 into April-ish of 2018, into that spring. Really noticing how I have all this fire and verve and passion. That’s not new, that’s always been inside of me. I am an Aries. But I’m not like an Aries in that I wanted so much to make sure everybody still liked me and I was afraid of rocking boats. And the good little girl would always step in when I needed her to step aside. Like literally my entire life right there.
So I also want you to note that it is 2021 and I am 47. So in 2018 I turned 44 that April. 44 years of the good little girl always stepping in right when I needed her to step away.
So I was having a conversation with my peer coach. The big epiphany question, where are these next two podcasts come from wasn’t actually in a conversation with my coach. But it was in a conversation with my peer coach, because I really wanted to change who I was coaching.
So I had been a weight loss coach for women business owners. I had a podcast called Business Women Losing Weight. But I was getting more and more people who were just business owners who didn’t have weight that they wanted to lose. And they really just wanted me to work on their mindset for their business. And I was really loving it.
I hadn’t quite realized the confidence coaching part yet. I hadn’t put those words around what I was doing. I just knew that I had women business owners, some of whom I was helping with working on weight, but some of them I was just helping them be more powerful business owners. And that’s what I really wanted to do.
But I was feeling really wishy washy. I was kind of talking to two different kinds of people. So you know what that’s like when you’re putting out content but like, oh, am I talking to businesswomen who want to lose weight? Or am I talking to businesswomen who just want to feel more powerful in their business?
So I was doing both. And you know that can be confusing. If I’m confused about who I’m talking about, my audience is confused. If you are confused about who you are talking about, your audience is confused about who you are talking to, right?
So my colleague asked me, “Amy, what if there are no rules? And there is no judgment? Who would you talk to then? Friends.” My friend, that question changed my life because it was complete news to me in that moment that there were no rules and there was no judgment.
I mean, as soon as she said it I kind of intellectually understood that was probably true. But it rocked my world. It was like my eyes bugged out and my jaw hit the table. I was just like, “What? Huh? Wait a minute, I have lived my entire life, according to the rules, all so that I could avoid people’s judgment. How dare you tell me that they aren’t a real thing? I don’t even understand what you’re telling me right now.”
Now, here’s what I’ve come to understand about that question, what if there are no rules? Now, this one really hurts the brain. I mean, so does the no judgment one because we really do believe that people can judge us. But the there are no rules, I have to tell you for a good girl, rule follower, people pleaser like me for 44 years of my life, there are no rules?
I’m sorry, hi, I remember getting into trouble in kindergarten for not following the rules about no talking during story time. I was mortified. And I just want to point out, friends, I still remember that moment in kindergarten, from 1979. This is how ingrained rules are with me.
I’ve been following rules for literally as long as I can remember. Someone said don’t do that, I was like, “All right, won’t do it.” Well, unless I did anyway. Because here’s the real shit kicker about being a rule follower is you still break some rules, right?
Secretly, I did break some rules because they were things that I really wanted to do. But I kept quiet about it because I was like, “Oh, this breaks a rule and I don’t want to be a rule breaker.” Even though I was. So then what did I become? I became a rule breaker who carried a shitload of shame about the fact that I would still break rules when I wasn’t supposed to be.
But I didn’t really like the rules to begin with. And I kind of thought they were kind of dumb, but I shouldn’t break them. But I did anyway. So oh my gosh, can you even see that shitty shame cycle spinning around in my head over and over again?
I can even feel this right now as I’m sharing this with you. As I was saying all of that I am like flooded with memories of not being such a good little girl because something in me knew that these rules were bullshit in some way. But also believing that they were there for a reason so I better follow them.
And so I shamed myself. And all of that shame that I carried with me, mostly through my teens and 20s, and into my 30s, let’s be really honest. It’s like right now my entire life is flashing before me as I record this. And I remember all of the follow a rule, break a rule, shame myself cycles that I have been through in my life.
But what if we challenged the very notion of rules in the first place? Like literally every rule you have ever followed, now I’ve shared this before, but if you haven’t heard it, it is a mind blower. Literally every rule you have ever followed is actually just someone’s thought. All rules are, are somebody else’s thoughts. Seriously, that’s all they are.
A rule is just a thought. And then a whole bunch of people decided that that thought was a thought we should all think, and it became a rule. That’s all it is. Now we like some rules. I like don’t murder people, I’m on board with that rule. But do understand it’s still just a thought that murder is bad. We just all collectively, as humankind, have decided it’s one we’re all going to adopt.
But still, every rule you can ever think of is just someone’s thoughts. Now, many of the rules help us live a productive life and not run our cars into each other, or run airplanes into each other, or kill people on an operating table. Some rules work, right? Some rules allow us to have a functioning society. But most of the rules that you are following right now, especially the rules you are following in your business, other than you need to pay your taxes, that is a rule. You actually don’t have to follow it, there’s just consequences if you don’t. Even taxes are a rule that are just a thought somebody else made up. We just like paying taxes because I like not going to present, right?
But most of the rules you are following in your business, are just thoughts and you don’t necessarily have to agree with them.
So here’s an exercise I did in my latest round of Confident Coaches Mastermind. We just started a July group and this was one of our first coaching sessions right here. So I want you to do the same thing with us, okay?
So I asked all of them, when I tell you that you are now on the path to 100K, what comes up for you? And what comes up is almost always about the rules that they have in their head. So this is not an exhaustive list but this is going to cover a lot of the shit that comes up, right? Okay.
So when I tell you that you are now on a path to 100K, what comes up for you? These are just some of the rules that can come up when you start thinking about being on a path to 100K. I can’t do that. I don’t have what it takes. I can’t be a good mom and make that much money in my own business. I can’t be a good mom and be a good business owner at the same time.
Successful coaches are supposed to hustle and grind and exhaust themselves. I don’t know if I want to exhaust myself. I do want to exhaust myself. No, I don’t want to exhaust myself. Maybe I’ll just go sit down. You know what I need? Here’s what I need, I need more certifications. I need some sort of degree. I need more experience.
I can’t say anything controversial. I have to build this all online. I need a landing page or a website. I need an email list and I need Facebook ads. Oh, no, no wait, I have to build all of this in person. I need to go door to door. I need to go to networking events. I need to meet a ton of people face to face.
You know what I need? I need certain systems in place. I need to have a certain amount of hours in. I have to have the right amount of reps first. I have to change who I am because I’m not professional enough. I have to stop cussing. I still remember the mentor that told me I needed to stop guessing. I can’t have tattoos, I have to dress a certain way.
I can’t have kids in the house making noise while I host calls or host lives. I have to have kids and a family and be a certain age in order to be taken seriously. You know what? I’m too bold. No one’s going to take me seriously. Now that I’m over the age of whatever age is inserted into your head.
I have to calendar every minute of my day. I have to calendar every minute of my week. I can’t be in focus. I have to be more serious. I need to dress a certain way. I need to act a certain way. I just need to be a certain way. I can’t change my mind on who I work with. I can’t change my mind about the direction of my marketing. I can’t start a podcast until I’ve signed a certain number of clients. I can only sign clients if I start a podcast.
Not even an exhaustive list of rules. But we will come up against all sorts of rules, won’t we? So I’m going to ask you, when I say you were on a path to 100K, what rules come up for you that you think you will have to follow in order to make that happen?
It just occurred to me, I even get into all of the rules we have about money. I need more money. I already have too much money. I don’t have enough money. People who make that much money aren’t good people. People who make that much money have a lot more responsibility. People and money equals something that I am not.
Maybe a lot of these felt true. Maybe there are some that might be coming up to you right now that I didn’t mention. Maybe I listed some things you’ve never even considered before. And maybe not everything I said struck a chord with you, right?
You might not be adhering to all of those rules, but what came up for you? Because now I want you to consider that everything that I’ve just said, plus anything that you yourself might have come up with while you were listening, these are just thoughts.
They are not hard set, set in stone rules that you have to follow at all. You get to decide what the rules are for your business. Why? Because it’s your business. Other than the ones that are making sure that you are up and up on the legal side of things, that you’re paying your taxes and you’re not breaking a law somewhere, you get to decide everything else.
You get to decide how you show up in the world. You get to decide your marketing plan. You get to decide who you’re going to talk to. You get to decide your style. You get to decide whether or not you have enough experience and you can help other people or not. There is no right or wrong when it comes to building your own business.
Now, sometimes this can be scary, because when you’re already not feeling very confident and your brain is full of “I don’t know what to do.” Sometimes these outside rules give you some comfort, right? Because you’re like, “Well, I know I can’t do this.”
So sometimes, those rules, we will use them in place of our own confidence because we’re already so full of doubt. We’re already so full of I don’t really know what to do so I’m going to cling to these rules. Because at least it gives me some form of structure. And if I throw out all of the rules, then I’m just a single solitary person here standing out on my own. And that right there can be terrifying, right?
So I want to acknowledge that if I’m telling you you can throw out all of the rules, and that actually makes you feel more terrified and more in fear, that’s the reason why. Because you are clinging to them because you don’t yet have enough belief in yourself. And that’s okay.
That’s what we’re doing here in Confident Coaches, is helping you get your own validation, believe in yourself. So you don’t have to rely on other people’s thoughts in order to give you some sort of foundation to stand on. We’re going to create the foundation from inside the house.
Confident Coaches Mastermind is the foundation that every single person needs for their business. Confidence is the foundation of everywhere you are going in this business. If you’re relying on outside rules to give you that confidence, it’s not necessarily a problem but we can replace that.
We can knock down the rules and build up your confident foundation at the same time. This is what we do inside of CCM.
And I know that you’ve heard there’s no right or wrong in building your business. But when you start questioning everything that comes up in your mind as you think about I’m going to make $100,000 as a coach, you might suddenly find yourself trying to follow rules.
One, because that might be the only place you’re getting your confidence from. But even once you acknowledge that, it might be because you don’t even realize they are rules, you just think that they’re truth. And they’re not, because when it comes to business there are no rules.
Yes, you will have to work. You will have to put in hours. You will have to do things you’ve never done before and that will likely feel terribly uncomfortable. Yes, you will have to test and try things. And a lot won’t work out the way that you planned, but you will find out what does work when you keep going, and you keep testing, and you keep trying, and you keep evaluating. All of which you’ll learn inside of CCM.
But those aren’t so much rules as much as just how anything new in this world goes, right? That’s what you had to do in order to learn how to walk and talk and ride a bike. You had to work hard and put in the hours and do things that were uncomfortable. And keep trying and trying and trying until you figured it out.
So once you identify the rules you think you have to follow, what if you realize that you don’t really have to follow any of them? So here’s a perfect example, I have two mentors. One taught me that the way to sign more clients was all about online marketing. Set up a website, and a freebie, and an email funnel. Go set up Facebook ads and run and test and run and test over and over again.
And yet an entirely different mentor said, “Nope, none of that.” She teaches the exact opposite. The way to sign clients is organic marketing. No online funnels or anything whatsoever. Just go meet as many people as possible in person or on Facebook or Instagram, and have small intimate conversations over and over and over again.
And the funny thing is, is at the same time I was working with these two different mentors, who by the way, support each other. They totally will tell you to go work with the other person. I had all these ads on my Facebook feed that were saying speaking was the way to sign more clients. Get on stage and speak and go sell your coaching.
Who was right? What if you get to decide who is right based on what you want to do? Now, those of you who are like, “But throwing out all the rules scares me.” I’m going to get ready to give you, like in this episode, what you can replace rules with, okay?
So if the idea of throwing out all the rules is terrifying to you hold on just a moment. I’m going to tell you what you can replace them with in this episode right here. Okay. But it’s really important to understand that there is no right or wrong way. There are no rules, there’s just the way you are going to do it. And it’s going to look wildly different than your friend and counterpart and colleague working right next to you. And that is okay.
You may like some of the rules I listed. You may like not cussing. You may like dressing a certain way. You may like calendaring all of your time. There’s nothing wrong with following rules any more than there is with breaking rules, if it works for you.
If you put that rule into the T line of a model, because that’s all a rule is, and it creates a positive feeling and positive actions and the desired result, then that rule works for you. Keep it, there’s no reason not to. But if it doesn’t work for you, you don’t have to keep it. The thing for you to remember is that you get to decide what your rules are.
So if I’m telling you to go throw out all the rules and you’re 100% on board, great. If I’m telling you to throw out all the rules and you were suddenly like, “Oh shit, Amy, you just took everything I’ve been standing on my whole life.” That’s okay too. Because here’s what I want you to work on instead.
I like to think that instead of rules, I’m going to abide by my values. Yeah, right? That way the specific do this and not that can vary as I figure out what works for me as long as I’m following my values the entire time.
So instead of rules, values are what I invite you to run your business by. Your company values. What is super important to you? More than a do this, not that. What ideals do you want to follow?
So here at Amy Latta Coaching my values are, and I have worked on this before, I know exactly what they are. If you apply for a job at Amy Latta Coaching, it will be on the job description. My values are integrity, we do and say what we mean. Authenticity, we be who we are. Connection, we see one another. Creativity, we find solutions and fresh ideas. And delight, we have fun in all that we do.
And recently I have added a DEI statement, a diversity equity inclusion statement that Amy Latta Coaching is a place for anyone and everyone in all voices, marginalized or otherwise, are welcome here. And they will be heard and they will be respected.
These are the values that I run my business by. Notice how different they are then rules. Rules are a very do this, don’t do that, I can do this, I can’t do that. Values are just what are really important to me. And I can run my business based on the values rather than based on rules. They will guide how I operate, how I expect my employees to operate, and how the expectations I might have of my clients as well.
So how do you determine what your values are? You might have already done this work. If you’re like, “Oh yeah, I’ve done value work before.” It’s pretty common work to do, is to create a value statement. What are your company values? That’s not uncommon work to do. And I just think that they’re a really helpful replacement when you’re thinking about rules.
Don’t worry about rules, make sure that you’re following the values. But what if you don’t have any values yet? What’s the easiest way to help you determine what your company values are? Here’s my favorite activity for determining your company values.
Who would be your board of directors and why? So I want you to imagine, I’ve actually worked with large corporations that have had boards of directors, their board members. Board members are the people who advise the business.
So if you could bring on a board of five to six people that you really admire, people that you would lean on to help guide you along the way. And they don’t have to be people that you know. They can be famous people, it could literally be anybody. Who would you want on there? Who would you want your advisors to be when you’re thinking about how you’re going to run your business and what kind of decisions that you should make?
Berne, Oprah, Malala, Lady Gaga, Michelle Obama? There’s a lot of ahs at the end of these words. And then why? Maybe it’s Dolly Parton. I recently added Dolly Parton. I was like, “I need some Dolly energy on my board.”
And then why? What characteristics do these board members have that you value so much? Why would you have them on your board to refer to and to mentor with? Because what you see in them is valuable to you and likely reflects a value that you have.
So if you aren’t sure what your values are, just look to the people that you would want to mentor with. Who are your ideal board of directors? And what they represent to you likely represents your values. Now, just go articulate that. Hang that up on your wall and forget about the rules.
Your values can then replace any rules that you thought you had to follow. Because if there are no rules, then what? Then you get to decide how you’re going to act. How are you going to run your business? How are you going to show up in your business?
You get to decide if it matters what credentials are behind your name. You get to decide if you’re going to plan everything out or if you’re just going to create guidelines and frameworks and figure things out on a day to day basis. You get to decide what your style is going to be. You get to decide who your audience is going to be. You get to decide how you’re going to attract that audience. You get to decide what your voice is going to be.
This is where determining your values can be really helpful because then you have a framework with which to work from. This is your work this week, my friends. When you think about being on the path to 100K pay attention to what rules you think you have to follow in order to make that happen. Be willing to challenge every single one of them. And question whether or not that is really true, if you really want that to be a rule that you follow.
And then you get to decide what your company values are. Throw out the rules and establish values instead. And you can use your ideal board of directors to help you determine what your values are. And then you get to decide if there are no rules, what are you going to create, coach?
Who will you work with? How will you attract them? How are you going to show up in the world?
And on next week’s episode, we’re going to answer the second half of that question I brought up at the very beginning. What if there’s no judgment?
All right, this week replace rules with values. I cannot wait to hear what you come up with. Hit me up in the comments section of the Instagram post or on Facebook. Here’s what I want you to do, I want you to share with me who your ideal Board of Directors would be.
Who are your ideal Board of Directors? Who would you have on your board as your board members? Go share that with me on social media. Tag me in your stories. Comment below on the post for the podcast. I can’t wait to hear who’s on your board.
All right, coach, until next week. Let’s go fuck some shit up.
Coaches, I have created a brand new freebie offer just for you podcast listeners. I created a brand new training called Stop Overcomplicating Confidence. Because I see my coaches do it all the time, make this confidence thing way harder than it has to be.
In this free training you’re going to learn exactly how you overcomplicate confidence, what’s creating that, and how to stop it. Here’s the best part, all of it less than an hour. Less than an hour of your time. You will feel more confident in less than an hour.
Friends, this is the best training I’ve ever done. So visit amylatta.com/podcastgift to get yours. Again, that’s amylatta.com/podcast gift. Go now and feel more confident in just an hour.
Thanks so much for listening to The Confident Coach’s Podcast. I invite you to learn more. Come visit me at amylatta.com. And until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.