Ep #27: Quit Quitting on Yourself

You are listening to episode 27 of The Confident Coaches Podcast, the one where you quit quitting on yourself already.

Welcome to The Confident Coaches Podcast, a place for creating the self-confidence you need to do your best work as a life coach. If you want to bring more boldness, more resilience, and more joy to your work, this is the place for you. I’m your host, Amy Latta. Let’s dive in.

Hello, hello my friends. How are my confident coaches out there doing today? It’s May. It’s May of 2020 and we’re just rolling along in this year. It was just last podcast episode where I started out the episode, it was raining, it was storming, and I was all chill and stuff. Well, that is not me today.

I have zero chill today because this podcast episode is in direct response to a coaching call that I had with one of my dearest, most amazing clients ever, Billiejo Mullett. She is a coach for blended families, moms and stepmoms of blended families. And I was just not having it with her today.

And out of that session came this podcast. I have zero chill about this today. But I say that but I have nothing for love, and she knows this, and she knows that this is going to be an episode. So what I want to talk to you today about is quitting on yourself and stop quitting on yourself already and what you make wanting to quit on yourself mean.

So dial in, let’s get locked and loaded because we are going. So here’s the conversation that we had today. Billiejo, she was struggling. It was kind of one of those days where nothing was working, and then it was kind of like, well, nothing about the whole week was working. And then it was like okay, let’s unpack all of this.

And just very long story short, she was like, “I just keep wanting to quit.” And she said it in a way that was like, obviously this is a problem. But of course, as life coaches, we know why. Why is that obviously a problem? Really understand that our job as life coaches is to not be in the pool with our client. Our job as life coaches is to not agree with them when they’re like, “Obviously this is a problem,” and be able to just ask why. Why is this a problem?

So we kind of just dove into it of like, I’m wanting to quit and I’m not sure what I should be doing next, and I need to do this and I need to do that, I’ve got this going on, I just don’t want to do it anymore. It was just very childlike energy. It’s a very emotional child, whether it be kind of toddler tantrum or whether it be kind of like teenager I just don’t want to, you can’t make me kind of energy.

We all experience that all of the time and she was just very strong at the beginning of this session that we were having. So as we got into it, we eventually got to this point where she said to me that, “Well, obviously if I’m wanting to quit” – and she’s like, “And I’m serious, Amy. This isn’t a little quit. This is a serious quit. I seriously want to quit.”

She was really just trying to convince me, “Serious, Amy. If I seriously am wanting to quit, then clearly I’m not going to be successful.” So two different things are happening here. A, she has the thinking that she just wants to quit, she should just quit, and everything that’s involved in that. And then what the real problem is is what is she making that mean, right?

What she was making the fact that her brain wants to quit. She was making that mean that if I want to quit, that must mean I’m not going to be successful. So this is a great place to dive in, right? It’s an excellent place to dive in of like, why would our brain decide that if I want to quit, if I’m having doubt, if I’m not in full belief, if I’m having struggles, if things aren’t going a certain way, fill in the blank, right?

So many different things that you could be filling in the blank right there. Why do we make that mean that I can’t be successful? As if this journey should be all rainbows and unicorns and daisies. There’s a part of us that intellectually gets that it’s not going to be. There’s a part of us that gets that this is going to be hard work.

We totally understand intellectually that the inner cavewoman is going to be throwing, lobbing balls at us all of the time and throwing doubts at us all the time. Intellectually speaking, we understand that’s how our brain is wired, that it’s totally going to happen, we don’t have to make it mean anything.

But then it happens and we totally make it mean something, right? The interesting thing is that she said, “I just don’t see you wanting to quit. I just don’t see that happening. I don’t see you, I don’t see this mentor,” and she proceeded to name three or four different mentors. I don’t see this person doing this. I just don’t see this.

She was like, “Even Bill Gates, I just don’t see him sitting around like, I want to quit today.” And I just found this so fascinating on multiple levels. So first of all, I want you guys to lean in. So if you find yourself wanting to quit – and this is like, I want to quit the whole damn thing kind of quitting.

There is a separate conversation to have about mini quits. In fact, I even created a module about mini quitting in my Confident Coaches mastermind program. It’s actually a module in the member site. I think I even have a podcast episode about this but I can’t remember what episode it is off the top of my head.

But that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about I’m done, I don’t want to do this business at all anymore, ever again. I’m out, you can’t make me do this anymore. As Billiejo was trying to convince me, “It wasn’t a little quit, Amy. This is a serious quit, so when you’re seriously quitting.”

What do we want to make this mean? Let’s talk about this. Okay, so first and foremost, the first point I want you to consider is when we say, “Well, I just don’t see so and so ever wanting to quit, like, I just don’t see Bill Gates going, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I just don’t see Amy Latta going, I don’t think I can’t do this anymore.” So many things with that statement right there.

Why would you see that? Are people seeing you do that? Are you doing that publicly? Are you on Facebook Live going, “I just want to quit, I don’t want to do this anymore,” et cetera, et cetera? No. Nine times of out of 10, these I just want to quit moments are behind closed doors.

So when we say I just don’t see so and so doing this, I don’t even understand why that’s a valid point. Why would you see so and so doing that? We have no idea what is going on in anyone else’s head. Any time you think, “I just don’t think this person would be thinking this way, I just don’t think this successful person would have the same thoughts I have,” this is a non-starter right here because we have no idea what they are and are not thinking.

Unless they are telling you we have no idea what anyone else is thinking. Think of the most successful people you can possibly think of. Do you know for sure what they’re thinking? Or is that just your brain going, “I just can’t imagine them thinking that?” Because those are two entirely different things.

Just because you can’t imagine that person not thinking that way, you have no idea what they’re thinking. None whatsoever. And so if you want to lean a little bit here, I used to want to quit all the time. Like every third hour, I was quitting this damn business, I’m out, I don’t want to do it anymore.

And then it was more like, maybe every third day, and then it was maybe more like every third week. But even now, it still totally comes up. Of course, it does. Hello, I’m human. Bill Gates is human. Oprah is human. Every successful person you can think of is human.

They have the same inner cavewoman, or I guess caveman voice as you do. They just don’t indulge in it as much. They just don’t believe it as much. I still absolutely want to quit on a regular basis. It just lasts for about 30 seconds to a minute.

Sometimes – I can’t remember if I’ve said it on this podcast. I’ve definitely said it in coaching calls where I’m like, “I quit for like, 15 minutes last week.” And my client will be like, “What?” And I’m like, “Oh yeah, I totally was done. Everything, it lasted about 15 minutes and then I got over it.” But it was totally real in those moments.

So the fact that for you, it might last longer, the fact that for you, it might last a couple of days or couple of weeks doesn’t have to mean anything. Just means you haven’t gotten to the point where you don’t believe those thoughts about quitting.

I guarantee you, you dive into any success story, anybody’s success story, there’s going to be that moment where they almost did quit or they did quit. Even think about movies, plot lines. Any hero’s journey has that moment where the hero – everything is against them and they’re deciding to quit and their sidekick or their mom, and even better if it’s a surprising element shows them what they couldn’t see and they come back and they rally, right?

It’s literally the plot line of every main Western-based movie is the moment where the hero totally quits and then they turn around and they come out successful in the end. So this whole, “I just don’t see so and so ever wanting to quit,” you just haven’t been paying attention to their story, or they’re not sharing their story, but they are just as human as you are.

And my next point, even if you don’t see it, what does that have to do with you? Why would you make your desire to quit mean you can’t succeed? Let’s take other people out of the picture now. The first point is all about other people are probably wanting to quit too. You just don’t see it.

But let’s even take that out of the picture. Let’s take that off the table. Why are you making your desire to quit sometimes mean that you can’t succeed? I want you to think about a baby learning to walk. This is a pretty common analogy. Learning how to walk, every human has to experience it, right?

You try and try and then the baby falls down, but they keep getting back up again. But sometimes, they stay down for a while. Sometimes they just plain cry and they don’t get up and keep going. Sometimes they just lay down on the floor and they’re done. They don’t want to do it anymore and the mom’s got to go and pick them up and love on them.

And then maybe they don’t try again for another day or two, or maybe they just decide to crawl for a few more months. Every human in history has had something in front of them where they have quit. I still remember when I turned 16. I didn’t get my permit until after I turned 16.

So I turned 16, I went to go get my permit. My mom took my out twice to drive and then I just didn’t get back in the car for four months. Four months. I turned 16 in April and I did not get my license until August. I sucked at driving when I first started. I didn’t want to do it. I totally quit. I totally gave up on it.

I had friends who drove anyway, I totally decided I was okay with it and everything. And then long story short, obviously, I eventually got back behind the wheel and I did figure it out. But I totally quit for four straight months.

And I’m sure you have stories of that too in your past, whether it was something you were pursuing, you did quit, and then you figured your shit out and you kept going. And maybe you only quit for five minutes, maybe you quit for five days, maybe you quit for five years. The length of time doesn’t even matter. But the desire to quit doesn’t mean you can’t be successful.

I’m always sharing with my clients that having doubt doesn’t mean that you don’t believe. I think that this is such an important point here. It’s not like zero belief, I can’t do this all, or 100% belief, it’s absolutely happening. Like, in my belief meter, it goes from zero to 100. There’s numbers one through 99 in between and all kinds of numbers in between there, right?

There’s a lot of area. So just because you’re having doubt doesn’t mean that you don’t also have belief. It’s just an indication that in that moment, your inner cavewoman is just offering thoughts and you’re believing them more than the thoughts of your inner evolved woman. That’s all that means.

Having doubt doesn’t mean that you don’t believe. It just means in that moment, you’re a little low on the belief scale. You’re a little below on that belief meter. And just recognizing that and going, “Oh, I’m just believing some thoughts that cause more doubt than cause belief right now, let me realize that, let me remember what do I need to think in order to believe I can create this business, I can sign these clients, I can get this number of consults by the end of the week,” and then go sit in the belief of that.

So wanting to quit doesn’t mean that you automatically can’t succeed. Having doubt doesn’t mean that you don’t also believe. It just means that you’re human. And I think it’s really important to remember. Wanting to quit is no more than your inner cavewoman talking to you. It’s that negative Nelly in your head, the one that’s trying to keep you safe.

What if that is all wanting to quit is? It’s just a thought. Wanting to quit is just a thought your cavewoman is offering up to you to keep you safe, and in that moment where you do decide to chuck it all out the window, you’re just believing that thought and that’s all it is, is an inner cavewoman thought.

It’s no more, it’s no less. You get to decide what to make it mean. You get to decide if you’re going to indulge in it. You get to decide if you’re going to believe in it. We can even put it in a model. That’s what we do here on this podcast.

My client was like, “I want to quit at least once a day right now. Wanting to quit must mean I’m not going to be successful.” Let’s actually put that in the model. I’m going to give you the circumstance of being I want to quit. I know that sounds like a thought, but in this instance, we have thoughts about that thought.

So let’s put that thought in the circumstance line. I want to quit at least once a day. And I’m just going to give that to you as factual, but that’s actually what’s going on in your mind. And you are choosing to believe, “Wanting to quit must mean I’m not going to be successful.”

When you think that, how does that feel? Really think about having doubt must mean I don’t believe, wanting to quit must mean I’m not going to be successful. How does that feel in your body when that thought is in your mind? For me, I feel defeated. That feeling is heavy, it’s low, it pulls me down, my shoulders curl in. I just feel – it feels heavy and hollow, like, low in my gut.

And when I’m feeling that way, how do I show up on the action line? What kind of things do I do? What kind of things don’t I do? I definitely don’t make that social media post I had planned on making. I probably skip the weekly email. Or I don’t necessarily skip the email but I kind of grit my teeth through it, I kind of white-knuckle my way through it, which is I’m totally writing it from that defeated, heavy, curled in energy.

I can feel that and imagine receiving that on the other end when you get that email that’s written from that place. I probably don’t decide what kind of result I want to create by the end of the week. And when I don’t decide what I want to create by the end of the week, I’m probably not coming up with a plan on what to do to create that result, right?

So probably a bunch of busy work. I’m still probably going to show up, but it’s probably going to be busy work like organizing files or doing a lot of “research,” or scrolling Facebook, scrolling Instagram and watching what other coaches are doing, which then of course creates a whole ‘nother line of crappy thoughts about me.

Sometimes in my earlier days when I indulged in this thought, when I indulged in defeated, I wouldn’t even show up in my office. I would just watch Netflix. I would just not. I would just go lounge on the couch. I would just go decide to do something altogether different.

So either way, when I’m taking those kinds of actions or when I’m not doing those things, I don’t get the result that I wanted. I’m not successful. Thinking I’m not going to be successful creates the result of not being successful. It’s like, I made wanting to quit mean I’m not going to be successful and then I wasn’t.

So why would you, why would I, why would any of us choose to indulge in that thought? Because it doesn’t create what I want. Because I could choose to think entirely different things. I could choose to think that I’m just being very human right now. I could choose to think that my inner cavewoman is just giving me a lot of thoughts.

I could choose to think all people experience this. All success stories include wanting to quit. All success stories include doubt. So I have an option as to what I want to think. You have an option as to what you want to think when you find yourself wanting to quit this whole thing and chuck it all out the window.

So realizing that the shitty line of thinking isn’t going to create what you want and you do have an option here, then what might you do next? What if you focused on why you don’t want to quit? You don’t have to do this life coaching business. Did you know that? Did you know that you don’t have to do this life coaching business? You’re not being forced into this in any way.

It’s something that you’ve chosen and there are other choices also. But you chose this. Why? Do you remember why you chose this? What is the reason that you’re willing to come face to face with your crappy thoughts that you do have when you want to quit?

Because you love helping people? Because you have so much to give to the world? You can’t imagine doing anything else? Because you’re teaching not only yourself but your family, your kids, your husband, your brothers, your sisters that if they have something in them too, they can share it also? That they can create whatever they want? That you’re going to lead this by example?

Is it because this life coaching business has no limits? I mean, you can create financial freedom, you can create time freedom, you can create whatever you want. Is it because when you do do this work, when you do create the successful life coaching business you’ve always wanted, you’re going to be example of what is possible? You’re going to show yourself your worth, your enoughness? That you’re a person who does what her soul signed up for?

To me, there’s no greater why than that. When you do find yourself wanting to quit, are you tapped into why you don’t want to? Because if wanting to quit is just a thought, you have the option as to whether or not you’re going to believe it and when you really see that, when you really own it, you also have the option to say, “But why don’t I want to quit?”

So here’s what we’re going to do with this. Here’s what I want you to go work on now that you’ve listened to this. First of all, go ahead and run that model about quitting. What do you make I want to quit mean? So first of all, let’s be really clear about what’s in the model here.

So you’ve got your CTFAR. What is your circumstance? How often do you want to quit? Do you do it once a day? Do you do it 10 times a day? Is it once a year? It doesn’t matter. Just approximately, how often do you want to quit? How often do you want to chuck this whole damn life coaching business out the window and just do something else?

Put that circumstance in the C line of the model. Then, what do you make that mean for you? Let your inner cavewoman have her say. What do you make that mean that sometimes you want to quit? Find the most powerful one. Find the one that sticks out to you the most. How does that one thought make you feel?

A one-word emotion. Defeated, inadequate, incapable, disappointed, devastated. And when you feel that way, how do you show up in action? What kind of things do you do from that energy? What kind of things do you not do that you wish you were? And then does doing those things or not doing those things get you the result that you want?

What result do you get when you do those things because you’re feeling that way, because you’re thinking that way? Just really owning what that thinking creates for you is a huge first step. It’s going to bring so much awareness. And then you can see that it is a choice.

Because next, I want you to imagine what your inner evolved woman, how she would respond to your inner cavewoman. So your inner cavewoman is thinking this thought that creates this terrible emotion that has you showing up in this negative way and getting you the result that you don’t want.

But imagine that you do have these two voices inside your head. How would your evolved woman answer? So for instance, if your inner cavewoman is saying, “Wanting to quit must mean I’m not going to be successful,” your inner evolved woman might say, “Yeah, but wanting to quit is just part of the process. Yeah, but wanting to quit just means that we’re human.”

Imagine those two voices having a conversation in your head. How would your inner evolved woman answer your inner cavewoman? Remember, doubt doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Wanting to quit is part of the process. Maybe it’s part of success. Wanting to quit means you’re human, with the inner cavewoman who’s just trying to keep you safe.

Or even wanting to quit doesn’t have to mean anything at all. It can just be this thing that pops up sometimes and it can be just very neutral and you just let it float on by. And then lastly, reconnect with why you don’t want to quit.

And here are the three questions I want you to answer as to why you don’t want to quit. Number one, why is it important to create this life coaching business? Why is this so important to you? There are other things that you can do to earn money. There are other things you can do with your time. Why is life coaching so important for you to do?

Number two, what’s the impact it will have on you? The successful life coaching business, however you define it, what impact will it have on you, your family, your relationships, your finances, your future? And the third question, what does creating the successful life coaching, what will it mean about you to be this person who creates the successful coaching business?

For me, it means I’m fulfilling what my soul signed up for. For others, it might be I’m an example of what’s possible. For someone else, it might mean finally stepping into their worth, finally owning their enoughness. You get to decide.

Alright my friends? So what do you make it mean that sometimes you want to quit? What would you make it mean instead? And then why don’t you want to quit? What are your whys to keep going? Do this work this week, my friends. You don’t have to throw in the towel just because your inner cavewoman has a lot to say. She always has a lot to say.

You can learn to just let her say whatever she wants to say and let it float on by. Alright my friends? Let’s go do some epic stuff this week.

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Thanks so much for listening to The Confident Coaches Podcast. I invite you to learn more. Come visit me at www.amylatta.com and until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.