My guest this week is Denita Bremer. Denita works with Christian women who want to finally feel good about themselves. And what’s really impressive about Denita is she, since she started working with me at the beginning of 2020, has managed to build a practice that pays her a full-time wage while only working around 25 hours per week.
Tune in this week as Denita and I discuss what brought her to the coaching world, where she was with her business before we started working together, and how things have taken off for her since she joined Confident Coaches. Denita is sharing how she overcame time scarcity, fault obsession, and created the confidence required to succeed. You do not want to miss this.
You are listening to episode 39 of The Confident Coaches Podcast, the one where Denita shares how she created a full-time income with a part-time coaching business. Let’s go.
Welcome to The Confident Coaches Podcast, a place for creating the self-confidence you need to do your best work as a life coach. If you want to bring more boldness, more resilience, and more joy to your work, this is the place for you. I’m your host, Amy Latta. Let’s dive in.
Hello, my Confident Coaches. I’m excited to be back with you today. I hope that you’re doing fabulously. Can you believe it’s already August? It’s August already. It’s the longest decade of the century this year, I’m telling you. We’re doing it. We just keep putting one foot in front of the other, right?
Things actually are really good. There’s just so much good, even amongst all of this craziness. And I just want to drop a quick reminder to keep looking for the awesome.
Speaking of awesome, did you love last week’s episode, my interview with my client April Price? Because we loved it so much, we got such great feedback, we’re bringing you another one, another true tale from the Confident Coaches files. I’ve also been watching a lot of Perry Mason, so I’m thinking a lot, like, the Confident Coaches files, cold case files, stuff like that.
So, right here from the Confident Coaches files, I want you to meet Denita Bremer. That’s who we’re going to talk to today. Now, Denita joined the first Confident Coaches mastermind that I started back in January. And after a rough first month, what she’s going to tell you all about, with a little bit of brutal honesty on my end, let me tell you, but it’s so good.
After that first month though, and she’s going to talk about that, she flipped a switch and then she went to work and she put those five steps to creating self-confidence that are the backbone of the Confident Coaches program, she put them to work for her in a way that really no other client had really done before.
And now, here she is, and she is on her way to a fulltime job’s income this year, but she only has a part-time coaching business. It’s such an amazing thing to see what is possible, no matter your circumstances.
I also want to put a little bug in your ear that if you did listen to last week’s podcast, if you haven’t already listened to it, it’s totally okay, but definitely make sure that you make enough time today, this week, to also listen to that interview, my interview with April Price.
And I want you to pay attention here, the similarities that you hear between these two stories, how similar their background stories are, how similar their self-doubt is, how they actually serve almost the same niche, and yet how they applied the Confident Coaches program differently to them, how what they used to overcome their obstacles was different.
And I think that this is so important to remember that there is no one size fits all coaching program. It’s all about making sure that you get what you come for, that you do the work that you need to do. And seeing these two stories in parallel with one another and yet how they applied the work differently, I think, is just like a classic way that life coaching works and that it’s never ours to know how our clients can run with the coaching that we give them.
So, grab your pen and paper, my friends, and let’s learn from Denita’s story.
Amy: Alright, so I am so excited to be here today with my client Denita Bremer. Friends, I want you guys to meet Denita. Denita is a certified life coach through the Life Coach School and she coaches Christian women who want to finally feel good enough. She helps them figure out who they are so they can make an impact in the world. So, hello, my friend. How are you?
Denita: I’m good. Hello. So happy to be here. It’s exciting.
Amy: This is exciting. So, obviously I’ve brought you on because you’ve got a story that I just really think two things – first of all, for my own audience who’s trying to gage what can happen in this group, how you learn it, how you apply it, you have a great story for them. But also, I think you’ve got a great story for how life coaching in general can help people and how it’s shifted your life. And that’s where we’re going to go ahead and start off, is tell me a little bit about how you got here.
Denita: Yeah, well this could be its own podcast in and of itself, but the short story is that basically my whole life, I’ve been pretty miserable. I did all the things right. I went to college. I graduated valedictorian, I found the husband, I had the kids, lived in the suburbs with the big car garage, all the things. And I still was just really unhappy.
And so, one day, I was just like, “I’ve got to fix this.” And I searched in my podcast app – I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, also known as Mormon. So, I searched Mormon depression help directly in the podcast app and I found Jody Moore. And I started listening to her and I started applying all of the concepts.
And I have a degree in psychology, so I’m kind of bent toward self-help and how the brain works and how people are motivated and all that. So, it really caught my mind. And my biggest struggle at the time was how to get my kids to do their chores. And when she said in one of her podcasts several years ago, “You’re not frustrated because of the kids, you’re frustrated because of your thoughts,” I was like, wait, what?
And I started paying attention, like, what am I thinking right now? And it shifted everything for me. And then she talked about Brooke Castillo and the Life Coach School. And so, then I started listening to Brooke’s podcast. And at some point, I was in her backlog and she was talking about life coach training.
And seriously, something inside of me clicked. I was like, I want to do this. and prior to that, I had thought about becoming a therapist or a counselor of some kind, but every time I sat down and researched programs and how to do it online, how much time does it take, I’ve got young kids, it just didn’t feel right. And when I thought about life coaching and doing the Life Coach School, I was just so excited.
My brain was already on, like, how can I make this happen, and all of that. So, that was all during – we lived in Germany for a year, and so all of that was in Germany. And when we got home from Germany in October of 2017, I hopped on a call with the Life Coach School and how does this happen, how does it work? And I put my deposit in. And, of course, after that, that’s when all the doubt crept in, like, “Who am I? What am I doing?”
Amy: So, do you mid me if I ask a question? Because you do have that background in psychology, that’s your degree, you were considering therapy and counseling, so this is a common question that I think would really help the other life coaches that are listening to this podcast right now, how do you view the difference between the traditional psychologist, therapy, counseling, and then life coaching.
Denita: My view is that coaching is a lot more hands on concrete. I find that when I read books or follow people that are more of the traditional therapy route, it’s a lot of the same concepts, but it’s more touchy-feely and it’s not as accessible to the client. I kind of feel like it’s all the same stuff.
Amy: And that’s kind of how – I’ve struggled with this. I don’t have a background in psychology. I have a background in corporate marketing. My favorite classes were consumer behavior, why do people do what they do. Like, I have that interest in why people do what they do. But I think this has always been a question that a lot of life coaches face of, like, in the face of, “Well how is this different from therapy,” we don’t always have the answer because we haven’t gone through X number of years of schooling and all of that. But the concepts are similar. So, the application, you think, is what’s different?
Denita: I’ve done therapy before. Not a whole lot. Maybe five sessions of therapy. And it’s a lot of just talking. And it is like, “How does that make you feel?” But every time I’ve been in therapy. I’m literally watching the clock and I’m like, “I’m paying like $2 a minute,” and it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. So, that’s sort of why I was sort of like, “I don’t know if I want to do therapy.”
I was always every interested in how do I help people, and I love the social emotional mental side of things. It’s all pretty much the same concepts. I do think that therapy is very rooted in research and what the studies show and how we help people based on that. And I get it, people do get sort of like, “Well, therapists have been to school for a really long time.” Great, go to therapy then if that’s what you really need, then do that. But ultimately, I just feel like do what is the most helpful. And for me, coaching has been the most helpful.
Amy: And I think that’s good too. And I think that’s a good point to put out. They both have very distinct things that they do and who they really help. I know, as a coach, there have been clients that have come to me and I’ve been like – there have been certain things. It’s only happened a couple of times. But there’s been certain things like, “This thing here that we keep coming back to, this is outside of my wheel of knowledge.” And being able to trust ourselves as coaches to say, this here, this is more appropriate for a therapist to really help you uncover some of that deep past stuff.
But I think it’s helpful to know. Coaching showed me why and what to do about it. And that really seemed to be the big distinction for you at least, that that’s…
Denita: Yeah, therapy is more like, “Alright, let’s talk about what’s going on and why you think that’s happening.” The therapist never said, “Here are some tools.” Now, that being said, I went to therapy with my daughter who is 16 years old last year about a year ago, and her counselor was a lot more hands on. So, I think it depends on the therapist or the counselor. He gave her assignments of, you know, think about things you can do with your parents. And she was struggling with some depression and things.
And I loved him. I thought he was fabulous. And he was like, from the get go, he said, “This is not going to be longer than a three-month thing. If it takes longer than that, then you need some different kind of help.” And his whole thing was I want you to get through whatever you’re going through as fast as possible because a lot of people get dependent on therapy.
And some people do need medication, that there is a chemical thing in their body happening that they need that kind of help. I’m totally not qualified for that. My kind of thought is, you know, therapy and coaching together can be really, really powerful.
Amy: Yes, I think I’ve seen that a lot too, that sometimes the perfect answer is that combination of that, like where coaching is all about the tools and moving you forward. There might still be some things that you need to work on and there’s nothing wrong with doing a combination of both. I totally get that.
And I just really think that that’s just a great thing for us as life coaches to just be able to trust ourselves, that we know what we are providing and what we are doing and when to say to a client, “This right here, this would eb a great area to go talk to a therapist about. I think this would be really helpful.”
So, for you coming around to – you we relistening to Jody Moore, you decided to actually go through certification and become a coach. So, when did we first meet? I know that it was towards the end of last year. So, where were you when confidence and Amy Latta coaching came on the radar?
Denita: Yeah, I think I started following you on Instagram and just a lot of the stuff you were saying – I think it was probably last fall sometime. Because I signed up for your mastermind the last week of December. And I know that you had been on my radar a couple months before that.
But at the Life Coach School mastermind meeting – this is a really interesting little tidbit – we passed each other in the hall and you said, “Hi Denita.” And I was like, “Amy Latta knows my name? What the heck?” It really impressed me. And I don’t quite remember if – probably that was in September. I had probably been following you and commenting and things on your social media at that point. So, it probably was four or five months or something. You were in the 100K mastermind and that’s maybe the first thing that brought you on my radar. I’m not quite sure.
Amy: It’s funny because I do – now that you say that – I do remember that. And I think I just had seen your name. and as life coaches are want to do, even if you aren’t from the Life Coach School, you kind of start following similar people and you start to recognize other people following the same people. So, whether I saw your name from – in the Life Coach School, we have a certified Slack, whether it was there. Maybe it was mutual friends.
I mean, it’s just a great thing to remember that when you start to see those names as life coaches and when you start to interact in communities, like for you, you’re working with Christian woman and whatever communities you’re in. I think that’s all I did there was yours was a name that I noticed that kept popping up and I probably, like, “Oh that’s an interesting name…” face, name, got it. So, when I saw you in person it was like, “Oh, I know her.”
Denita: Yeah, well I’m the kind of person that even if I know your name, I would be a little bit like – I don’t know, I would probably hold back from being like, “Hi, Amy,” like we’re just best buds, you know. But it really did impress me. I was like, “She knows my name.” And I do recognize, I have kind of a unique name.
Amy: Maybe that is more my personality, where I’m much more, like, “Hi person I’ve never met but I know your name and I remember what you just posted last week, and am I being creepy?”
Denita: No, but it was a huge lesson for me. I was like, I could do that, I could reach out to people and know their name and let them know I know them. Because that really, that one little, “Hi Denita,” in the hallway, I was like, huh…
Amy: Here’s the funny thing. I just realized, I know where I get that from. It has nothing to do with coaching. It has nothing to do with confidence. This is a shoutout to – and most people on the podcast know that my dad passed away over eight years ago. But from the time I was a little girl – not that we ate out a lot when I was little. And my dad and I certainly, we didn’t have the best relationship. But he did teach me a couple of really good things.
Every time we went out to eat, he always asked the waitress’s name and he always called them by their first name. And it’s something that I just learned from a very young age that you can establish – I think I just realized, I never realized that until right now. It’s just something that I learned from a young age of getting to know people on that personal interest level.
And no doubt, my dad did it because we would get exceptional service, and then he would tip out of this world percentages of tips too, but we always got the best service. So, I think that’s just a little something I picked up from my dad, that human contact. Which was interesting because that’s part of becoming a life coach is being a human to the other humans.
Denita: Totally, and that’s, you know, just connecting with people. A little random tidbit, when you have to call into your cellphone provider’s customer service, they always say, this is so and so, I’ll be helping you. Studies show that if you use their name back to them, they’re a lot more helpful and kind. So, it’s that connection. I know you and you know me.
Amy: That’s so funny because now I’m really seeing, “I think I do that now.” So, as I post on social media and as I interact on social media, and even where I am in my business, when I see that people comment on my posts, I try to use their first name back to them. I don’t think I ever realized, I’ve never been conscious that I do that until right at this moment having this conversation with you.
Denita: That is so valuable. I’m sure that’s one of the reasons why you’ve been so successful, because it’s just that little connection that people feel comfortable and feel known and heard.
Amy: Yeah, it takes me – sometimes, particularly on Instagram, I’m thinking specifically about this. Guys, this is just a little marketing tip that I didn’t even realize that I did, but I really do think it’s beneficial. Even on Instagram, if someone comments and their name is not in their handle, I will click on that and look for their first name and then click back and then address them by their first name. I just realized that that’s something that I just do as a matter of course.
Denita: Yeah, you should have your name in your bio. I do that, when I click over and it doesn’t have their name, I’m like, “What’s their name?”
Amy: That’s so funny. There’s a little marketing tidbit, friends, what we just discussed the psychology of, of that’ sone of the things that made me stick out to Denita, of like, she said my name. And it’s something that now I know where I got it from, but what a great little – and I think that’s what it is, when we’re thinking about what makes people drawn to us, how do we connect and serve and show up?
One of the biggest things is just remembering you are a human and that’s another human. And what humans really desire is connection, like you said, to be seen and heard.
Denita: And this is what we’re dealing with, with Black Lives Matter and everything is not grouping people in one chunk, that we’re all individuals and we want to be seen and heard as individuals. And it’s not always easy. It’s kind of like an easy little marketing hack, but I don’t think it’s always easy.
And I never expect people to remember my name because it is kind of a weird name and I don’t expect them to know how to pronounce it. People are always like, “I apologize if I get it wrong,” and I’m like, no worries at all. But when you do, I think it does send kind of a message of, like, they know me, personalizing things.
Amy: Yeah, you actually just touched on something that – and I’ve been ruminating on whether or not this is a podcast in and of itself or maybe it’s just a post. It’s something that keeps coming up for me and it is coming up in this time of Black Lives Matter and this kind of heightened political masks, no masks, everything that is encompassed in 2020. I don’t think I realized how much I used to group people into boxes.
And the more I post, the more I have – this just happened yesterday of somebody who saw something that I posted and said, “It kind of seems like you’re implying that all people this way agree a certain way.” And I was like, I thank you for bringing that up. And we engaged in conversation and I admitted, “You’re right, that did kind of paint everybody into one box there and that wasn’t my intention.” But in just one simple sentence in an Insta’ story, you don’t know what my intention is.
Not that she called me out on it in a mean way, but she did question and we engaged in conversation. And I think this just keeps coming up. It’s a different way to think about, like right now, we are putting everybody into these boxes. But we, as life coaches know, if you are thinking about how the human brain works, we are seeking and desiring connection more than anything. That willingness to reach out and engage across the aisle, across the street, not making presumptions that we do know what the other people are thinking when they post a certain thing and just engaging in conversation.
And you never know. And the woman ended up saying, you know, “Thank you for this conversation. I love everything that you put out.” Not that I’m doing it because I’m hoping to nab a client, but I opened a doorway instead of closed it.
Denita: It’s a brain shortcut, right? We can’t possibly remember every individual and all of that, so our brain lumps things together for our benefit. And I think just the awareness of it, like, as you go to write a post or talk to someone, like, “Okay, I’m talking to an individual,” or I’m speaking about my experience. And whoever resonates with me, they will be drawn to this and other people won’t. But yeah, just that personal touch goes so far.
Amy: So, where were you when we started working together and where did you end up? You worked with me for the six months from January until the first week of July. We’re recording this, what, two weeks later, so it’s mid-July at this point. So, where were you in terms of clients or dollars per month when we started and where were you when we ended?
Denita: So, it’s really easy. I started my business in January of 2019. So, calendar year is business year for me. In all of 2019, I made just over $8000, which is about $675 a month. Of course, that wasn’t totally linear. So, I had months, like several months in 2019 where I didn’t sign any clients, and then I’d have pockets of a couple here, a couple there.
But in January of 2020 I had two clients who had done a package with me in the fall and had continued with me at $200 a month, weekly coaching. So, those were those two. And then, I had just signed four clients. I had done this thing in December and four people kind of came onto my radar and I offered a 10-week package for $500. And so, I had really, those first couple weeks of January, I had six clients total, and low-cost packages. Which there’s nothing wrong with that, right? It just takes a lot of clients to make a significant amount of money doing that.
So, that’s kind of where I was. And I just had so much doubt. And I just felt so scattered. I was like, “I don’t really know what I’m doing. So, your whole, like, become more confident to sign more clients, I was like, “Oh my gosh that’s what I need…”
Amy: Well, and to charge more money because let’s talk about that, 10 weeks for $500. This is so much of the work sometimes, just like, what are you worth? Like, the value of what you’re putting out there. But if I remember correctly, by the time we ended up – at what point did you hit where you were – what have you made so far this year? So, all of last year, you made $8000.
Denita: So far this year, I have made $22,000. That’s half in-bank. I’ve actually sold more than that, but some of my clients are on payment plans, so I haven’t actually gotten paid all of that.
Amy: So, cash in bank 22,000 You’re already almost three times as much cash halfway through the year as last year, based on income that has yet to hit the books plus additional sales, what are you looking at for the year, your goal?
Denita: My guess is I will end up around $75,000 for the year.
Amy: So good.
Denita: If I don’t push, which right now I’m really focusing on having the same impact with more ease, kind of like doing less, because we’re the same person, right Amy?
Amy: And I want to be clear, you’re not a fulltime coach, right? How many hours are you…
Denita: I’m full. I have 13 clients and I’m full right now.
Amy: So, your fully booked is different than – I mean, my fully booked was 22 clients, but that’s because I was devoting 40 full hours a week.
Denita: Yeah, I work about 25 hours a week.
Amy: Okay, so like, Denita is working 25 hours a week and is looking at $75,00 for the year, cash. That’s amazing. That is amazing. So, let’s talk about how you created that.
Denita: Really, as I look back, the main thing is I was looking at everything as something outside of me that I have to figure out. I have to figure out how to run a Facebook ad. I have to figure out, you know, like I have to solve for my negative emotion. And it’s like a thing outside of me that I have to solve for.
And really, what I have learned these past six months is, it’s all inside of me and I have everything I need. And I have heard coaches say that before and I’m always rolling my eyes, like “Yeah, yeah, I have everything I need, but this is where I don’t understand and this is where I feel like I’m lacking.”
So, to the coaches out there, I get it, the eyeroll, you have everything you need. But really, it was learning how to trust myself, feeling more confident, being okay with, you know, “This doesn’t always feel amazing but I am going to take action anyway.”
And that’s kind of what we talk about with increasing our confidence is taking action and evaluating and just knowing you can do it and trusting yourself. That’s what I did not have in January.
Amy: It’s really funny because that’s a major thing. A lot of my posts around, like, really, you literally have everything you need, it’s already inside of you. And so, it’s funny to think of – I do vaguely remember, it’s been a while, but hearing that and being like, “Yeah, whatever, but what I need is somebody to show me how to get a Facebook ad to work. What I need is for somebody to tell me how many times I week should be posting on Instagram.” Like, we really do, like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, but…”
Denita: Yeah, what I need is more money and more time, right?
Amy: I’m pretty sure that what I need is a husband that’s not constantly… or kids who aren’t exactly… That’s so funny.
Denita: Oh my gosh, my kids were such a hang up. For like a year and a half, they were a hang up. Like, the reason why I only work 25 hours a week is because I have three kids ages 11 through 16. And I want to be with them. I don’t want to never see my kids. I want to be involved. But then I also want to have a business and I want to help people and I want to make an impact. And just figuring out how I can do both of those and how they don’t compete with each other, that was a huge thing for me.
I mean, my time scarcity, you know, I’m still working on that. So, really what I keep coming back to is, “If I knew it was possible, what would be the next thing; the next thing for me to believe, the next thing for me to feel, the next thing for me to do?” And just leaning into that.
And really, you teach about future you and becoming your best mentor and leaning on her a lot, oh my gosh, I have to do that so often. And it is a conscious, “Okay, I’m going to go inside myself and listen to my inner wisdom. What do I think is the next thing?”
Because I’m a coach who, I, like, want to buy all the programs and hire all the coaches because they clearly know what’s better and they have more experience, they’re having more success. And I really have to slow myself down and be like, “Wait, I have to build tis my way. I have to do what feels right for me.” And so, it’s true, I do have everything I need. I just also have lots of doubt and fears and all of that, that are preventing me from kind of seeing it.
Amy: Right, and I know we’ve done a lot of work around your doubts and fears around time and the kind of mom you want to be. And I think that’s pretty common. Not all life coaches out there are also parents. But there is a lot of conversation in our head, for those of us who do have families, of presence balance. That’s a big word, you know, balance between business and being a parent. And even if it’s not parent, there’s outside obligations. It might be family of other kinds. It might be the balance between a life coaching business and the current job you still have.
But that is so common of thinking that if only, you know, there’s this obvious answer somewhere and I just need somebody to give it to me, and then I’ll do the thing. As opposed to, what if time and balance, what if that’s just your thinking too and how you think about it?
Denita: Yeah, and I will say sometimes, my coach says, “It’s just how you think about it.” I’m like, no, I don’t want it to be how we think about it. Because then it’s like I have to do the work to change how I think. And that’s harder than just, “Tell me how to schedule my time,” you know?
A lot of my value comes from what I do or what I produce or what I accomplish in the world. This is what I notice keeps coming back in my brain. And I’m really trying to do the work of uncoupling my action equals, you know, my value as a coach or my value as a person.
It is brain-breaking. Like, wait, I don’t have to do something to produce value. What does that even mean? So, it’s hard work and I really have to, like, by default, I want to do, do, do a lot. And so, what I’m working on right now is, like, alright let’s think about it, let’s plan ahead, let’s decide. And that’s all the stuff that I’m just like, it’s so exhausting.
Like, I get it, the coaches out there, especially brand-new coaches who don’t want it to be their thoughts, but the thing is, it’s so empowering when it’s your thought because you have 100% control over that. And it’s okay if you’re not there yet, if you’re like, “I’m still thinking these thoughts but I don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough money,” you’ll get there. and I have to pep-talk myself into that too.
Amy: I think what you said right there is so key. It is okay if your brain is still doubting that it is just your thoughts. It doesn’t have to change that to be the truth. Keep that present. It’s okay if you’re not there yet. That’s what having your own coach will help you with, is to help you see…
Like, I still do that. I’ve just been through master coach training at this point. It’s been four years since I was certified. I went through nine months of master coach training. And my brain will tell me I’m pretty sure this is not just my thought. I’m pretty sure that this is true. This is not a thought. This is a circumstance. It will still do that also, even though there’s a part of my brain going, “You know that’s not true.” But that primitive brain, that inner cavewoman brain will still say, “No, this is just hard fact.”
So, I think that right there, not beating yourself up for when we do believe our thoughts and we do question, it’s okay to question. Just know that your ongoing work will be to learn to be better at seeing it. in other words, it’s not getting your brain to stop offering you those thoughts. It’s getting your brain to stop believing the thoughts.
Denita: Being aware that they’re even there.
Amy: Right, being aware that we are choosing, that this is an optional thought, that time really is just a thing. There’s no more, no less. And do you truly believe that you have the time that you need to do what you really want and need to get done?
Denita: Yeah, I realized at a certain point that when I hear myself saying, “I just don’t have enough time,” it’s just a false objection. It’s like, my brain is just like, “Stop.” And when I see it as a false objection, it’s just an excuse that slows me down. Then I’m like, “Oh wait, this isn’t about time. This is about a decision I need to make,” or whatever, right, I don’t feel good.
And it took me a long time to get to that point. I wanted to fight for, “No, this totally is about time. I only have so much time in the day and I have all these things I want to do. And I want to be this kind of person, and it just doesn’t fit.” And so now, I just stop myself and I’m like, “This isn’t about time. What is this about? What do I want to do with all the extra time that I really want?”
And I’m like, “Alright, I just need a make a decision. I just need to get really clear for myself. Maybe I need to let something go.” So yeah, and that’s hard for me. Like, once I see it, “I have this thought,” I want to just change it right away. But that’s where I have to really have my own back, like we’re just in the river of misery. We’re in between believing two different thoughts. It’s okay. This is a process. You’re not going to do it overnight.
But I’m like, “No, I see it. I can see that it’s not giving me the results I want. Let’s just change it.” And my brain is sometimes like, “I don’t know how to do that.”
Amy: We, as life coaches, when we do recognize that something is a thought and we don’t have to believe it, we’ll ant to get out of it as soon as possible, as opposed to allow our brains to unlearn the first thought and learn the new one that actually serves us, that that is a practice that you actually have to engage in.
I’m constantly learning new methods, new ways, new approaches to put that into the Confident Coaches program. There’s a few different ways that we can do that. And I totally had the same fault obsession that you did, like, there’s too much to do and there’s not enough time.
And I’ve spent a year working on that. I no longer think it now, but now it just shows up in different ways; my thoughts offering me new time thoughts I hadn’t considered before. And I’m like, “Oh, tricky little brain there. I think this might be the same thing.”
Denita: Slippery thoughts, yep.
Amy: Those little suckers, those little slippery thoughts. That’s a great module title. So, I know that time was one of your really big obstacles to confidence and signing clients because your brain was just, you have not wanted to work fulltime, 40-hour business. You really wanted to be able to have a part time coaching business and then part time fully focused on your family.
And the funny thing is, I knew doubling your hours wasn’t necessarily going to get your brain to stop thinking about time because that’s the option I went with and that didn’t work. So, I know that time and all of that – were there any other obstacles that you really had to work on over the course of Confident Coaches?
Denita: Inadequacy was a huge one. So, you coached me on why I wasn’t running Facebook ads. Like, I really wanted to run a Facebook ad. I knew how to do it. and I thought it was time. I was like, I just don’t have time to sit down and write the copy and whatever. And when you coached me, what I realized is actually I am afraid of feeling inadequate. I’m afraid of getting those numbers, once the ad is going, and figuring out what they mean.
And for that one, once I just saw it, I was like, “Wait, I’m telling myself that I’m not smart enough to do this. I was like, “Oh, heck no. I’ve got to prove to myself that that is not true.” And so, then I did it. So, I was like, “How long do I think it’s going to take?” And it’s like one week of work. And so, I scheduled it all out. It was like seven days was my goal and I did it in 10 days.
I still was so super-proud of that. And then, once I ran the ad, you sent me the spreadsheet of the numbers and what they mean and where you want to be and I was like, “Oh, I could totally do this.” And it was, like, fun and – I mean, that one exercise alone probably increased my confidence by $5000.
Amy: Totally. The same thing happened – so, when I was in 100K mentorship and they required us to do all of that all by ourselves and my brain was throwing me a fit, I figured it out in four days, but still, it was the worst four days. I cried. I did all of those things. But when I came out on the other side, I had a level of confidence that no one coach ever take from me because I was like, “I did that.”
I did it uncomfortable. And I remember that from you. You did that scared. You acknowledged what you were doing and you did it anyway, getting coached the whole time. And here’s the interesting thing that ties into your time story. How long had you put off doing that work because you thought it was…?
Denita: Six months. Yeah. You want to know the other most amazing thing about that? I ran that ad for three weeks. I spent probably $350 on that ad. And I signed a client a year-long package for $5000
Amy: Oh, my goodness.
Denita: And I think I’ve had one or two other clients that were on my list for several months from that ad. So, it’s hard to quantify that now. But I was like, “Whoa. I have been putting this off because I’m scared of the feeling of feeling inadequate.”
Amy: Yes, and how ties that was to your time story too. Like, it’s going to take too much – think about, I think things are going to take too long, or you didn’t run that because of your fear of inadequacy while you also have – that’s six months of your time that was spent on thinking about and being afraid of inadequacy. And in 10 days, you were able to work through that.
Denita: And you know what? It still comes up. I just got coached yesterday and I was like, “This inadequacy thing again.” So, it’s really embedded in there and I have to be really careful. Really, I just have to always be coaching myself.
Amy: Yeah, and I think just knowing that inadequacy is part of your story, got it. Oh, there it is. Of course, you’re there.
Denita: It’s super-tied to not wanting to be vulnerable. You had a podcast on that. And basically, inadequacy and vulnerability are like the same thing to me, the same vibration in my body.
Amy: This is how we are the same person. Because inadequacy and vulnerability were the two biggest things I worked on in master coach training.
So, you really introduced even me to something new about the five steps that I use for creating self-confidence. So, most people who are probably listening to this are probably well aware of what my five steps are. But if this is your first time listening, if you’re here because you just love Denita so much or this is just the first podcast.
So, my five steps to creating self-confidence, which is what I teach. I’ve created all the modules. It’s part of my program, how to believe you can do something you’ve never done before, how to feel the discomfort of doing it and not letting that stop you, how to make decisions from a place of your best mentor, that future you, how to have your own back and not trash-talk yourself, because you’re going to be making decisions and it’s not all going to work and a lot of your old shame and inadequacy stories are going to get stirred up, and then how to keep going, how to evaluate and not quit on yourself so that you can get the results that you want.
You shared with me, in a coaching session, something that I had never considered before, and it was one of my favorite things. And that was where anytime you felt stuck, what did you do?
Denita: I have a little sticky note on my computer that lists your five steps and I was just like, “Okay, which step do I need right now? Where am I getting stuck?” And to be honest, it’s usually believing on purpose. That’s usually where it’s lacking.
And I notice that, like, have my own back, not a step that I really need a whole lot. It seems like it’s just an area that I’m pretty good at. But embracing discomfort, I’m always like, I’m trying to resist this feeling. And then evaluating. I really learned a lot in your mastermind how to evaluate.
I already knew the three questions, what went well, what didn’t go well, and what do I want to do different. But I dived deep into that. And you gave us some really amazing questions that helped me ask even better questions about my days and my weeks and my projects and my consults. And I feel like learning how to evaluate is one thing that I really, really – well I had that one huge a-ha moment where one thing I’d get stuck on is what went well, what worked. And I’d be like, I don’t know what worked. I don’t know.
And I had this lightbulb moment where I was like, “Wait, these are all just my thoughts about what worked and what didn’t work and where I think I want to go next.” And like I said, it was that it’s something outside of me, right? It’s like this objective fact of what worked and what didn’t work or what I needed to do next. And once I thought, like, I get to decide what worked and what didn’t work.
I had so much resistance to evaluating. And as soon as I saw that, it was like, “well this is easy. It’s just my thoughts. What do I think worked?” I don’t know, hopefully that will help somebody shift a little bit.
Amy: It’s so important because I get that too, where people are really resistant to evaluating the work that they do and really just seeing that evaluation is literally kind of like the Facebook ad stat. So, what Denita was talking about before is one of the things that I offer. You know, I’m not a business coach. But I do have some business coaching tools that I offer my clients that I use myself that I have relief on.
And one of them is this spreadsheet that you just enter your Facebook ad numbers and it’s just data. And that’s what the evaluation is. It’s just data. What do I want to make it mean? We won’t do the data. We won’t do the valuation because if our numbers don’t come in a certain way, we’re going to make it mean something terrible about us. But if you see it as just data and then you get to decide what you want to make it mean, you get to decide it even if you haven’t had a consult call or no engagement or your Facebook ad numbers are below the percentages that are considered desirable, it’s almost like it is your thoughts that are the important thing.
Denita: Exactly. It always comes back to your thoughts and we always think it’s not our thoughts.
Amy: We’re like, no, these empirically, this data shows empirically that something is working and is not working. And I think I remember that week where you were like, “Wait a minute, I think I realized that what’s working and not working is just my thoughts.” And I was like, yes, she cracked the secret code.
Denita: Especially when you’re looking at a Facebook ad where you actually have numbers, like number of people that clicked on your ad or whatever, it felt like it was so outside of me. Like, I don’t know what worked. Well, okay, my click rate was really good. But once I made that shift, now I do that with everything, honestly. I have learned how to turn my emotions into data, and that’s been really big.
I’m having an emotion, I’m human, what does it mean? What do I want it to mean? And I want to just say, you totally are a business coach. You help people sign more clients and make more money in their businesses. So, she’s a business coach. She just doesn’t want to be, like, “I will tell you how to run your Facebook ad or your marketing strategy.”
Amy: You’re not going to get the what should I do. I’m going to teach you ow to believe and I’m going to teach you how to feel and I’m going to teach you how to not talk shit about yourself or talk crap about yourself.
Denita: But it’s everything. Because you can Google all the rest of the stuff. The only thing that really gets in our way is our thoughts and our feelings and, you know, what we’re projecting into the future is going to happen.
Amy: Absolutely. And we think that the confidence comes from knowing ahead of time. But actually, that’s kind of false confidence. If you’ve never made $75,000 in a year working 25 hours a week, your brain’s like, “Can’t be done. Can’t do it.” You can’t possibly have the confidence that you can do that until you start believing ahead of time. And then you start taking the action. Whereas now, you’re still not there, but your belief about it happening is like, “Well look what I’ve created,” using those five steps to creating self-confidence begets actually feeling more confident that I can do, because you have some experience.
Denita: And you have to start exactly where you are. If you have no clients, then you have to start with getting your first client, just making offers and getting one or two people on a consult call. If you’re making a million dollars, then you have to start there. Like, where am I getting in my way there? And it’s the same no matter what your income is or how many clients you have. It’s all what your brain is feeding you.
Amy: And what’s really interesting is you and I are kind of in the same position where now we’re trying to look at more, like – I know I can create what I’ve already created. Denita and are both focusing on believing that we can create what we’ve already created but with ease, and ease being, like, I know I can hustle my way to the success that I’ve had. I know that I can, you know, work a full 40 hours. I’m ready to do this with more ease and grace. My brain says that it’s either hustle or it’s like slovenly teenager. There’s not much in between.
Denita: That’s what my brain says too. I’m like, you have to go, go, go, or I’m like on vacation.
Amy: Exactly, or I’m completely checked out. So, these five steps, I’m using them right now, of practicing believing that I can keep the business I have and even grow it, but from a place of ease and belief in that ease, which who knew how hard it would be to believe ease? Like, no this is impossible. You either hustle or you’re lying on the couch. There’s no in between.
Denita: It’s not easy. Ease is not easy. That’s the irony.
Amy: No, ease is not easy. It’s the irony because I just think that, in our brains, we’ve kind of gotten this belief that ease isn’t producing, which of course – and here’s the interesting thing. This comes up all the time, circling back around to what you said just a little bit ago about your worth being tied to your production. And so, now we’re talking about introducing ease. And our brains have this, like, “Well wait a minute, ease and being productive are counterintuitive.” What if they’re not? So, it’s just a new level of believing.
Denita: What if it’s just the thoughts you’re having?
Amy: So, anything else that – I know you had to figure out that the evaluations were just the thoughts. Anything else that you kind of have to figure out?
Denita: Okay, so I’m a little bit ashamed of this. But maybe one month into the mastermind, I realized I had this thought that I was kind of like waiting to see if it really was worth it. And I sort of had this thought, like, “Amy’s nothing special. Her coaching isn’t some magical thing.” And I really had to catch myself.
And I modeled it out and I was like, “Wait, if I believe this, that it’s not worth it or Amy’s not some special coach, then I’m not going to show up. I’m not going to do the work.” And that’s kind of what started it. I was noticing you were giving assignments and I was sort of like… and so I started questioning, why am I not doing the assignments? I paid $5000 for this mastermind. And that’s when I saw, like, I want it to be something outside of me that’s this magical solution and that’s when I was like, “I’ve got to do the work. I have to be the one. Amy’s not going to give it to me.”
And that’s when I went all in on myself and I was like, if there’s a pause when you ask for who needs coaching and nobody speaks up, every time I’m going to be like, well, I’ll be coached. You guys know me, I’ll be coached every time. I have a lot of words, I have a lot of thoughts. And I did, and that is actually kind of opposite of what I usually do. I’m usually like, I’ll let everyone else go first.
Amy: I may not have known that was going on in your head. I noticed the shift in actions. You did become the person who always raised her hand, who always got coaching.
Denita: And I did every single assignment, even if I thought it was stupid. I was like, I know this already. And that’s where I see it coming from is like, I already know this. And then I was like wait, what if I don’t already know this?
And I really – I think the biggest thing was I’m going all in. I’m doing all the work, I’m raising my hand every moment. If Amy’s sick of hearing from me, she’ll call on someone else. That was kind of a small shift but a big shift at the same time because it was like, me going in on myself. And I still see myself wanting to kind of pull back sometimes.
Since our mastermind ended, I tell myself you can rest now, you don’t have to do your evaluations, you don’t have to do this. And I’m like, wait, I’m onto you, brain. So that was a big thing. Really overall, I feel like it’s not any one of these a-ha moments that I had. It was more realizing that it’s within me and that it’s my job to take advantage of the coaching and to coach myself.
I mean, that’s why coaching is the key. Because we can’t see all of our blind spots. The things that just feel true to us, they’re not thoughts in our minds. So that was a really huge shift. And I’ll tell you, part of me is like, dang it, I should have signed up for the mastermind again.
I chose to hire a one-on-one coach because I never had and I knew that I would learn a lot with that, but part of me was like, I should have done both. And now I’m just like, no, everything worked out the way it was supposed to be.
Amy: Yeah, no, and if you’ve never had a one-on-one coach, I’ve always had my biggest growth in groups and in masterminds, but I have experienced that one-on-one relationship too, and I think that’s important if that’s the business format that you are in, to at least have experience what it’s like to be the client in a one-on-one.
But I get that. In that group setting, you’re getting coached on things you didn’t think to get coaching on. Other people are raising your hand, and I think for you, you had to really learn how to show up for you and get what you came for, and that’s what I absolutely love. You are a perfect example of the client. It took you a month, which is totally fine, but what if that was your biggest growth of you figured out how to get what you came for. I love it.
Denita: And you have to be okay to cry in front of a group of people. I hate crying in front of people, but I was like, if this is what’s going to help me feel more confident and sign more clients and this is what I need and everybody just know, I’m a crier and it doesn’t look fun.
Amy: It’s so good. I’ve had to do the same thing. I’ve certainly cried in the middle of – my mastermind has 30 members in it and so I certainly sat there and cried in front of all 30 of them while my coach just let me cry and I was like, okay, this is fine, everything’s fine.
Denita: Honestly, if your thing is I don’t want to feel vulnerable, I don’t want to feel inadequate, then you’re not going to want to show emotion in front of people, and that is the very thing that’s going to grow you, by being willing to show emotion and tell people this feels so terrible.
And there were – we had people in the group who weren’t creating money in their businesses and I’m like, I hit $20,000, I did this, I did that, and not from a boasting way, but then I’m like, still in this I don’t know what to do, I need coaching, and this and that. And they’re like, really? And so I had to lean into that of like, other people can have their thoughts. They can be like, I would love to be where you are. I still have a human brain and I’m still where I am.
Amy: There’s no magical place where your brain won’t be a jerk and feed you beliefs and thoughts that feel terrible and that you are still believing. There is no magical place. That’s so good. So is there anything – a nugget or anything that you want listeners to walk away with as we wrap up?
Denita: Yeah, just what I said at the beginning, which is you really do have everything inside of you. All the abilities, all the knowledge even. If you go to your future self, there’s so much wisdom there. But you also have everything you need to stay small and stay stuck.
Amy: So good.
Denita: Right? It’s both. And so that’s why having somebody else look at your brain and show you, wait, you don’t have to believe this, how about trying this feeling on, how does this feel in your body, that’s why coaching is so amazing. Because now I’m like, oh, I do have everything I need.
So when my brain is like, maybe I should sign up with this coach, maybe I should buy that program, I’m like wait, I have everything I need, what does my future self say? Does she think I should sign up for the program? Is my fear speaking here? My inadequacy, whatever. You have to really make it all objective. I mean, just wrapping it all together in a nice little bow here, but it’s all data.
Amy: It is all data. And you get to decide what you’re going to think about it, You’ve had so many great little nuggets of wisdom and I’m so excited for people to hear your story and really seeing that coming down to bottom line, it really was your thinking around that and what you were able to create when you got coaching on that, when you really were able to really have somebody call you out on that.
You offer so much incredible wisdom. If there’s one thing that I can absolutely say, another thing that you didn’t mention here but a real asset you brought to the mastermind was you offering coaching inside of the group too and kind of your support and your insight was so valuable to the group. So if people want to be able to connect with you, how can they connect with you?
Denita: My favorite place is Instagram. I’m @denitabremercoaching. I’m also on Facebook, at Denita Bremer Coaching. But like Instagram so much more. It’s more fun for me. So they can connect with me there, or they can just go to my website, denitabremer.com. And you can get on my email list there or you can kind of see what I’m all about on my website. I would love for anyone to come. Feel free to come pick my brain, ask me questions.
Amy: You have a small intimate group that you just started too, so you’ll be doing that.
Denita: We actually just started two weeks ago, but I still have a couple spots in that group. I mostly do one-on-one coaching, but I had this spiritual prompting to start a small group and I was very resistant to it but I did it anyway. I’m actually loving it. I’ve noticed the last two weeks I think I’m a better coach when I’m in a group because it’s sort of like I have to hold the space for the group and I have to get to the point really fast.
So I do have a couple openings there. I’m full for one-on-one for now, but next month I have a couple of openings if anyone’s looking for one-on-one. Come connect with me and I will call you by your first name.
Amy: If you learn anything from this, learn people’s first name. It could land you an amazing client. It certainly did for me. Denita, thank you so much for being here. This has just been an absolute joy. You were such a joy to have in the group. Like I said, you brought so much insight and I think you really gave the listeners a lot of really valuable nuggets as far as how to overcome your obstacles, how to – most importantly I think, how to show up for yourself, how to make sure you get what you came for. So thanks for being here today.
Denita: Well, thank you. I learn from the best and you’re amazing and congratulations on master coach certified. That’s so amazing.
Amy: Thank you mama. Alright, talk to you soon.
So coaches, wasn’t that so good? Thank you Denita for sharing your story of how you learned to trust yourself and just do this work that was offered to you. And I just have to tell you, stories like these, such a joy from a coach’s perspective. And Denita sharing her struggle from that first month and not being sure about me and my program and whether or not it was all that, and then she just decided that it was.
And this is such a huge reminder for me and let it be a great reminder for all of you coaches out there listening that our job as coaches is to show up and coach our asses off. It’s up to our clients if they’re going to receive it or not. And ultimately, that is their decision, but let us fight for them every step of the way.
And ultimately, what I really love about Denita’s story is realizing that she has everything she needs already inside of her. This is probably one of my biggest takeaways because it’s what I so firmly believe for each of my clients and I know that once my clients really see that they already have everything they need, there really is no stopping them.
Being more confident is trusting yourself and then taking the action to create what you want. And now I’m starting up this work again with a new group of coaches in September, and if you want a spot, take me up on that free offer at the end of this podcast. You will find out how you can nab one of those spots before anyone else does.
So don’t forget also to connect with Denita on Instagram. Alright coaches, until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.
Friends, I am so excited to offer you a podcast-only treat. I am sharing with you the five-day Unblock Your Confidence mini course. It is only available to The Confident Coaches Podcast listeners and the only way to get your hands on it is right here. Why do you need this course?
Well, in this five-day mini course, you will learn why it seems like you struggle with confidence when others don’t, how to build trust in yourself, how to get over your fear of failure, how to stop caring so damn much what other people think, and the best thing you can do to unblock your confidence today.
All of that in just five days. This is some of my best work waiting for you. Visit www.amylatta.com/unblockconfidence to get yours. Again, that’s www.amylatta.com/unblockconfidence. Go now and get started today.
Thanks so much for listening to The Confident Coaches Podcast. I invite you to learn more. Come visit me at www.amylatta.com and until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.