It’s been a hot minute since I’ve brought you a student interview here on the podcast, and I’m thrilled to introduce you this week to Xena Jones. Xena is a former member of the Confident Coaches Mastermind, she’s a confidence coach for women, and she’s here today to drop some truth bombs about how to really get what you want in life.
Xena and I have been on very similar paths on our coaching journey, and I’m so excited that she reached out offering to come on the show. Learning the tools that make us confident coaches has not only helped Xena go from making $500 a month to $16K a month, but having the confidence to say yes to opportunities has opened up so many more doors than she could have imagined.
If you are currently struggling with needing to know “the how” in your business, or find yourself holding back from showing up unapologetically, you need this episode. Xena is sharing an invaluable amount of wisdom about what helped her grow and evolve into the confident coach she is today, and you’re going to leave knowing how to have your own back no matter what.
You are listening to episode 80 of The Confident Coaches Podcast, the one where confidence coach Xena Jones talks about having your own back. Alright coaches, let’s go.
Welcome to The Confident Coaches Podcast, a place for creating the self-confidence you need to do your best work as a life coach. If you want to bring more boldness, more resilience, and more joy to your work, this is the place for you. I’m your host, Amy Latta. Let’s dive in.
Hello my confident coaches, how’s everybody doing out there today? I am so excited about this episode. So first of all, I have not done an interview podcast in almost a year. It’s been since last summer.
And I want to offer you that how this podcast came about is because the interviewee pitched me. I’m so excited. I’m going to be interviewing Xena Jones. She’s a confidence coach who is from my September Confident Coaches Mastermind.
So they just graduated a couple months ago and she listened to one of those interviews last summer, listened to April Price’s interview and said, “I need to be in Amy’s program.” And now here she is a year later going, “I need to be on Amy’s podcast.” And she made it happen. That’s confidence, my friends. That’s confidence right there.
Here’s a couple of things I want to point out before we dive in. This interview right here I think is going to have some nuggets that are going to be surprising. She has some mindset stuff that I know so many other coaches out there struggle with too and I can’t wait for you to see how she worked through that and how she overcame that.
One of the things is she didn’t think she was struggling with confidence. She loved April’s story, she loved the interview, she loved following me, and said, “I don’t really need more confidence but I like Amy and I want to be in this program and I’m not making the money that I really want to be making, so let’s give this a go,” only to get inside the program and find out oh, maybe it was actually confidence all along that was the problem.
Plus, she talks about the value of the peer coaching and the mastermind format that she wasn’t anticipating. She talks about the real struggle that she had with her thoughts of what she was believing about her ideal audience and what she didn’t need to be believing and what she could believe instead.
And honestly, her biggest takeaway from the Confident Coaches Mastermind is learning how to have her own back, how she learned to do that, particularly when Confident Coaches Mastermind is a six-month long program and particularly when we were in those four and five months and she still wasn’t creating the results that she wanted to create and the switch that she had to make in her mind that she brings back to her takeaways from the having your own concept that I teach, how she took what I teach, made them her own, and really flipped that switch.
She’s going to talk all about it in this episode right here. How she was able to do that in months four and five so that by month six, wait until you hear what her results were. Now, I always want to reiterate, Confident Coaches Mastermind is not a make money mastermind.
The point of Confident Coaches Mastermind is to create a confident foundation so that you can make as much money as you can humanly imagine in the future. There are so many masterminds focused on multiple six figures. Let’s get you to scale, let’s get you making as much money as you want to make.
This mastermind is all about what are you believing that you don’t have to believe, what do you need to believe instead, and what’s your next best step decision that you’re going to make and your ability to rinse and repeat those three steps over and over again so that you become a coach that no matter what is going on in your business, you have so much confidence so that you can – those results, those dollar results, those client results, they become inevitable.
And Xena’s story is going to show you how even though this is not a money-making mastermind, she went from making an average of $1000 per month to the last month that we were together making $16,000 a month. Those are some hella results for a program that that’s not even the focus, my friends.
So I can’t wait for you to hear how Xena created all of that and so without further ado my friends, here is having your own back with Xena Jones.
Amy: Alright, well hello everybody. I am so excited to be here today with one of my former Confident Coaches Mastermind students and clients and now guest instructor, Xena Jones.
Xena is a confidence coach who coaches strong independent women who see themselves as confident but they have that area of their life that they’ve been avoiding or they want to really work through. And they’ve managed up until now to avoid it at all costs and they’re ready to dive in.
Xena is certified with The Life Coach School in the class right before me. I’m April of 2016, she’s January of 2016. We’ve kind of been on a similar path and a similar journey. She signed up in my mastermind last September and she’s just been a ray of sunshine. Xena is also in New Zealand, so she’s in the future with us right now. We’re recording this Tuesday afternoon but it’s Wednesday morning for her so I can’t thank her enough.
Xena: Hey, thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited to do this. It’s going to be so fun.
Amy: I know. It is so fun because you are so delightful. I have to tell you; your guys’ class really went a long way. You formed so many bonds outside of just the weekly calls and really became close in friends. And so that radiance that you have just shines through so much.
Xena: I think that was one of the biggest kind of takeaways for me was how important it was to be in a room full of likeminded women, women doing the same thing. That was huge for me because I thought about this. If I was a nurse, I would be working in a hospital perhaps and I would have a lot of colleagues around me.
But as a coach, I work from home, and I don’t have a lot of colleagues in New Zealand or around me in my circle, in my friend circle that I can contact. So having them now is incredibly valuable. You can just message them and say hey, I’ve got this issue, can you help me? Or what do you think about this? Run something past them.
Amy: And the fact that you are literally on the other side of the globe from the rest of the women was not a problem. The same thing in my mastermind, there’s a woman that lives in Seoul, South Korea and we do the same thing. I’m like, I need you. She’s like, great, when are we going to make this happen? We just coordinate the times and it’s so good.
And yes, I remember coaching you a couple of times on this thought about being all alone in New Zealand and nobody in New Zealand needing what you had to offer. Topic of conversation inside of our mastermind.
Xena: And it might have happened over and over and over again from memory. I so strongly believed that people here in New Zealand don’t want coaching and they won’t pay for it.
Amy: I remember. So lesson number one, it’s okay if you bring the same coaching over and over again. I’m just going to keep calling you out on it. It was so powerful. I remember when you did sign a client in New Zealand and she paid you actual…
Xena: Yeah. And I didn’t just sign her for my normal six months. I signed her for 12 months. And she was my first pay in full client. Oh my god, she lives here in New Zealand.
Amy: It’s so good it’s almost like if you change what you believe about what’s possible, you can create anything that you want. It’s crazy, friends.
Xena: Yeah. So I went from having one client here in New Zealand who paid me weekly, so we had a weekly agreement, and she’d pay me once a week for every session when she wanted a session kind of thing, to signing a 12-month pay in full client who was ready to do this, who was ready to invest in herself and get coaching.
Amy: Yeah, it’s so good. So first I want to ask, I just want to start off with tell me a little bit about how or why you became a coach. How did you end up here as a confidence coach? Particularly because you and I both certified five years ago and our journeys have been not straight lines. So what got you into coaching?
Xena: That’s a great question. So I became a coach when I had traveled – so I was living here in New Zealand and then I decided to quit my job, leave me life behind, and move to London. Because I had firmly believed that happiness was waiting for me in London.
So I moved to London and I got to London and I was absolutely miserable there. I hated it. And then I decided if I could just lose weight, then I would be happy. And I was just really searching for happiness. So I went to the doctor over there in London, and fortunately at that time with the NHS health system, they were offering life coaching sessions.
So the doctor gave me this ultimatum. She said instead of giving you weight loss pills, which I was adamant was the solution to my problem, she said, “I’m going to give you these five free life coaching sessions. And then after that, if you want to come back, we’ll talk about the pills.” And I never went back. I went to the coaching.
Amy: I never knew this. A doctor offered life coaching as a solution for weight?
Xena: Yes. It was absolutely amazing.
Amy: What magical, mystical future are you living in?
Xena: I know, and unfortunately, they don’t do it anymore due to funding, which is terribly sad. But it absolutely changed my life. I went into that first session and she started asking me all these powerful questions like why do you think you’re going to be happy when you lose the weight? What do you think will be different about you?
It turned out I had so much self-loathing and I felt really awful about myself. And yeah, I was really trying to prove myself and earn my worth and all sorts of different things, and just the questions she asked me absolutely blew my mind.
And she introduced me to Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life, which of course, I absolutely devoured. And I think I read it over and over and over again. I remember crying the first time I finished it because I didn’t want it to be over. It changed my life so much.
Amy: Yeah, I have a marked-up copy of it on my bookshelf right over there.
Xena: Yeah. So then I started listening to Brooke’s podcast, The Life Coach School Podcast with Brooke Castillo and then I decided I have to become a coach because why do people not know about this? How do people not know that your thoughts create your feelings and your feelings drive all of your actions? How is this not taught in schools? And I got kind of annoyed about that. I was like, I’m going to do something.
Amy: It’s so funny because it’s kind of like once you really get that on a really deep understanding level, you want to tell everybody.
Amy: Yeah. So tell me a little bit more about that because when I first started following you, you were doing all kinds of travel blogging.
Xena: Yeah. So I remember being in coach certification and we’re going around the room, it’s the last day of coach certification, we’re going around the room and everyone’s picking their niche. And Brooke looks at me and I was like, I don’t know, I don’t know what to do.
She’s like, you’re a solo traveler. Solo woman travel. Next. She just moves on and leaves me hanging there, like you can’t ask any questions. She’s like, that’s it, just do that. So anyway, I was and still am a solo female traveler. I love to travel on my own, I’ve traveled all over the world pre-COVID days.
And so I went home and I started a Facebook group for solo female travelers and went on to start a podcast and I was running trips and retreats for a while there and I had the odd coaching client coming through. Very few and far between.
And then it was in I think 2018, 2019, all of the years are merging together, thank you COVID. But I think it was 2019 that I decided to go full-time and I wanted to get fully into coaching. So I’ve started to make the transition away from the solo female travel space, which a lot of my clients have found me through and know me as. So that’s been a bit of a challenge.
Amy: Ding, ding, ding, there’s a little niche shift. It can happen. And it’s really funny because that was back when – The Life Coach School has evolved so, so much, but there was a point where we had to declare a very specific niche. And I think they’ve now since gotten away from that of just like, it kind of just doesn’t matter, you get to decide. Who do you want to work with, and it can be as general or specific as you want.
Xena: And back then there was this rule that you had to do it for a year.
Amy: Yeah, I remember. So my friends, you are listening to two people who started out – so I was a weight loss coach for – Businesswomen Losing Weight was the name of my podcast. So weight loss for businesswomen and it was through coaching and it was through talking to people that I realized that everything came down to confidence.
People aren’t confident in their ability to do something they’ve never done before. I remember asking myself, have I done this long enough that I can change now? So one of the Confident Coaches Mastermind principles, there are no rules and there’s no judgment and I was following a rule that even The Life Coach School had kind of made up at the time. They don’t even necessarily teach that anymore. And so what rules are you all following?
Xena: And that was such a big thing that I learned in the Confident Coaches Mastermind is I really thought there was such a right or a wrong way to do things. For example, there’s a right way to coach and there’s a wrong way to do it. And that was something that I had to work through, or I chose to work through. I came up against that pretty quickly.
Amy: Right. Because we think that there are – here’s the thing. I like to think of what everything that I’ve learned from all of the different coaching mentors that I have had and let’s be honest, to you all as students in the mastermind teach me so much about coaching. That’s why I love guest instructors, which you are now one of my guest instructors.
That’s why I love having other people lead a class every once in a while because you all interpret things very differently than I would interpret. So I kind of like to think of it as coaching and learning about coaching as kind of a buffet of amazing ideas. You get to decide what you’re going to take with you and what you’re going to leave. And it’s still available to you if you want to come back and pick up something different.
Xena: That’s something I took away from having our – so we had two guest instructors during my time in CCM. And I loved that they did things differently. They showed me a different perspective, they showed me a different style of coaching and that you can just add your own flavors, your own spice to it, and that makes it your own. And it’s totally okay. There’s no wrong way to do it. Do it your way. Make it your own.
Amy: Make it your own, 100%. I love that idea of spices and flavors. It’s like we’re all feeding off the same buffet but none of us are eating the same meal in any way shape or form. It’s all because we’re mixing in our own.
So when you were – the story of kind of where you were when you joined the mastermind and where you are now. Let’s talk about your client and your business growth, but also your emotional growth during that time.
Xena: So when I first joined CCM, I had one client and she was paying me monthly payments. So I made $500 per month. And I went on to my final month last month, I made $16,000, just over 16K. And I’m up to eight clients.
And in terms of my confidence growth, when I first joined, I thought I was about a seven on the confidence scale. And I got into the mastermind and then had the opportunity to do some peer coaching, started consuming the content, and we started having our weekly coaching call. And my confidence I realized was more like a three.
Amy: There’s one of two different kinds of clients that come in. So there are those that are like, I’m actually pretty confident but I like Amy and I like the stuff she talks about but I’m pretty confident. And they’re like, maybe I’m not as confident as I thought I was.
And then there are those that are like, I’m not confident at all and that’s why I need to be in here. So I love that mix of people. So tell me about that seven to three. Before we do that, let’s just stop for a moment. You went from $500 a month to a $16,000 month.
Xena: Yes, so fun.
Amy: And that was in about seven, eight months’ worth of time?
Xena: It was seven. Seven months. So fun.
Amy: That is so fun. That’s a lot of fun.
Xena: It was my most fun month ever. It really was. And I was just being myself.
Amy: Yeah, tell me about – why was it so fun do you think? Tell me about that.
Xena: Because I really embodied that there’s no right or wrong way to do it. How would I like to do it? What works for me? What has my growth been and how can I share that with the world? I just showed up having fun and that inspired energy.
One of the thoughts I was going to share was I started thinking at the beginning of the month, this is going to be my biggest month ever. And it just felt so exciting and so fun and so full of possibility. Like I wonder what’s going to happen, I wonder who the women are that I’m going to get to help. Like, who’s going to be my next client? I wonder where she’s going to live, I wonder what we’re going to work on, it’s going to be so fun.
Amy: And I love what you just said right there. I wonder how it’s going to happen is a very different question than how is it going to happen? I need to know how it’s going to happen, somebody tell me how to make that happen. The energy difference between those two things.
Xena: Yeah. Because I was in that how place for probably the first at least four months of the mastermind. I was like, just tell me how. I really thought in my whole there’s a right and wrong way to do it, that there was a specific how and that somebody just hadn’t given it to me yet.
And learning I think how to have my own back was just showing up and making decisions for me in that I get to decide the how and I get to try a whole bunch of how’s. And if they don’t work, there’s a whole bunch of information that I’ve just collected to make a new decision with and take some more action. And that can be super fun.
Amy: Because so many of us – and my hand is raised here of we think that it will be more fun, more easy, faster et cetera if somebody else just tells us exactly what to do.
Xena: I got some really good coaching actually from one of our coaches in the mastermind, Rebecca, so one of my peers. And she coached me on that and she goes, do you think it actually is easier if you have the how? And she really challenged my thinking on that and I was like, so good. She’s like, if you had the how, would it necessarily be easier? And I was like, you know what, if I knew how, then another part of my brain would probably be like, I don’t feel like it, I don’t want to, I don’t like that idea.
Amy: Exactly. If someone told you exactly how to do it, literally do this, move this here, put this here, say this there, do we really think it would be easier?
Xena: Yeah. And I actually don’t know that it would be because for me personally, I want to have my own business and have freedom and flexibility to do this my way. And figuring out the how, my how, I think is a big part of that.
Amy: So good. Because what you discovered and the reason that it’s so much more fun is because it’s Xena’s how. Not Amy’s, not Brooke’s, not any of the other amazing business coaching mentors that we all know, that so many of us know.
We want somebody to tell us, but it’s not nearly as fun because it’s not coming from us, it’s not aligned with who we are. Like you said, if there’s no right or wrong way, what’s my way?
Xena: What way do I want to go? What way do I want to do it? What looks like fun?
Amy: You experienced this too because think about all the different personalities that we had in the September group. Could one set of how’s, one thing have worked for all of those different personalities?
Xena: No way. We have such a varied group. No way.
Amy: I love to coach with a lot of laughter and I’m like, very – we’re laughing, we’re crying, there are people that I know in my own mastermind or in other groups that I’m in and their coaching is very quiet. It’s an entirely different energy. And I’m trying to imagine, we couldn’t all possibly follow the same exact plan because where’s our personality in it? Where’s the Xena-ness in it?
Xena: Yeah. And that’s like the secret sauce. You’ve got to be you because that’s what’s going to attract people to you is you being you. People want that. They’re attracted to your personality, to your flair, to the way that you do things, and they want that. You got to bring that to your coaching, to your marketing, to your selling.
Amy: So let me ask you this. How are you with bringing you? Do you feel comfortable bringing you or was that an obstacle for you to really learn how to be unapologetic Xena?
Xena: I think that was an obstacle to me I didn’t realize that I had. And that came up during the mastermind as I started seeing my peers and you and other coaches that I look up to and admire, and I was like, what are they doing? What do they know that I don’t seem to know?
And I felt like the answer to that was they’re just being themselves unapologetically. And that’s it. That’s what I want to do. Because I was really editing and altering myself, especially when I was posting or doing a live video or writing an email and overanalyzing it and thinking about it and editing it and taking out the swear words. I love to swear. So I’m like, I’m toning it down.
Amy: Shocker that she’s hanging out with me.
Xena: Yeah. So I was like, why am I doing that when that’s who I am? I wouldn’t send this email to my best friend. She would be like, what? Who wrote that? Where are you? So I started showing up more like me. I’m dramatic, I’m very loving, I say it like it is, and I like to swear a lot. So I started really embodying all of that and sharing that with the world, with the people in my circle.
Amy: Absolutely. And it’s even funny because when I think of you, I think of very bright and pink and here you are, she’s literally – you guys can’t see her, but she’s literally wearing a hot pink blazer right now. That to me is yeah, that’s Xena. She’s going to show up and it’s going to be really bright, really energetic, and 100% her. So why do you think that was so hard for you to do at first?
Xena: I think I was really worried about what other people thought and I was busy telling myself that I don’t care what other people think. But I wasn’t being honest with myself. I didn’t want to care what other people thought but deep down I honestly did.
And that became very apparent to me when I did my very first peer coaching session with Tammy Schwendeman. And I made her go first so I could coach her first, and then she coaches me. So we split this 30 and 30, and she coaches me, she’s like, what would you like coaching on? And I was like, I want coaching on coaching you.
Because I was just so worried about what she’d thought of my coaching and getting it right and doing it the right way and feeling like I was out of practice. I was just so worried about what she thought and what my other peers were going to think of me when it came to peer coaching. It became so apparent to me in that moment. And that’s when I was like, I think my confidence is more like a three.
Amy: Yeah. And that’s funny and I know that there are other members of your group that were like, I’m a pretty confident person, and I listened to you for a really long time and I didn’t think I really needed confidence, but now we can see, you can be very confident in certain things but here’s one area where your Helga is kind of lying to you a little bit.
Some of us care very deeply what other people think of us and we know it, and that’s what we’re working through. But sometimes you’re like, I don’t really care what people think, I mean, I do, I really hope they like me, but I’m fine.
Xena: Yeah. And now I think back to previous places that I’ve worked and I was like, wow, I was really trying to get them to like me. I was doing and saying things that aren’t really me and I can see that now. I can look back without judgment and be like, oh, that’s interesting, why was I doing that?
Amy: Yeah, you said that really important part right there. Look back at it without judgment. Really see, there are reasons why we worry about what other people are going to think of us. There are reasons why we filter ourselves for others because it’s in our DNA, that old tribal fitting in, don’t want to be kicked out, our cavewoman brain is like we can’t be kicked out, how are we going to feed ourselves.
That is naturally going to be in there. Our job is that in the modern day, we’re not actually going to be kicked out of any place because we’re going to find our people.
Xena: Yeah. And by being ourselves and really embracing who we are, it’s like we’re shining a light for our people to find us. I keep saying I’m inviting the people into my world that are my people, and I’m also repelling the people who aren’t my people by showing up and being me. And that’s okay.
Amy: 100%. And I am glad that you’re also speaking a lot to the peer coaching. I didn’t use to make it such a focus of the mastermind until I really understood it in my own mastermind that I’m a paying member of. Because at first I was like, yeah, peer coaching, I know that they’re there if I need them.
And it took me a round or two with my coach before I was like, oh, why am I avoiding getting coached by my peers and in coaching them? And it was a very similar story. If they’re coaching me, they’re going to judge my crazy brain and be like, what the hell is she doing in this group, she’s like a hot mess express over here. And then if I’m coaching them, are they going to have value judgments about me and my coaching? Am I a good enough coach?
Xena: Totally, all of that. I relate to that.
Amy: Yes, it’s why I love the peer coaching aspect because it’s a part of something that helps you create confidence in yourself. If you only have one client and you’re only making $500 a month, let’s get some coaching hours under your belt. Peer coaching is a great way to do that.
Xena: Yeah. And it taught me so much. I loved seeing, connecting with my peers first of all, so I was creating more of this circle around me of people I had as support and I could go to, but also seeing their styles of coaching and the questions that they asked and the paths that they went down, I was like, wow, this just opened my mind up to a world of possibilities and the different ways that I could coach. Because I was really trying to put myself in a box, so it was fantastic.
Amy: Putting yourself in that box of like, there’s a right and wrong way.
Xena: Yes, that box.
Amy: Doesn’t exist, my friends. If you’re listening there’s no such thing. So good right there. Tell me a little bit more about – because I know that you have shared before that your biggest takeaway was really learning how to have your own back.
So that is one of the confident coaching. It’s pretty simple, what are you believing that you don’t have to, what do you want to believe instead, what’s the next best decision that you’re going to make from that place. And then within those three simple steps, I teach you five – we go a little bit more in depth inside the mastermind. And step four is – it’s literally the name of step four. Have your own back.
This was also my biggest work personally in my confidence journey, even though it’s step number four. It’s actually my biggest work also. So I’ve been really been fascinated to talk to you about what did that mean to you, having your own back.
Xena: I love that you said that. What did it mean to be, because that was the first thing was actually sitting down and asking myself that question. What does having my own back mean to me? What does that look like for me? How do I want to define that in my own terms?
And so when I think about having my own back, I think about the relationship I have with my best friend or with my partner. They are there for me no matter what, when shit hits the fan, when I have something to celebrate, they are the person who is there for me. And they always believe in me no matter what.
They always want the best for me. They give me the best pep talks. They say all of the right things. They say such beautiful things to me. They encourage me, they support me, they love me no matter what, they pick me up when I fall down, all of those things.
It’s like Batman is to Robin, he’s always there. Always. So for me it was really important to get really clear on what does that mean to me, having my own back. And then the next question that I often ask my clients is why do you want to have your own back? What’s the benefit of doing that?
Amy: What a great question.
Xena: Yeah. And then from there…
Amy: What’s your answer?
Xena: What’s my answer? So the benefit of doing this is just knowing that no matter what happens, I can always be okay. I’m always there for me. I don’t have to rely on anyone else. I love having other people around me who support me and back me but I can also do that for me and it feels amazing.
No matter what happens, if something doesn’t go the way I want it, if things don’t go to plan, I don’t have to beat myself up. Beating myself up is optional. I know that Helga’s always going to want to do it, but it’s optional. I don’t have to do that. I can offer myself the love and support and kindness that I would often go to my best friend to get. I can do that for me.
Amy: Yes. Being your own – another way to think of it is being your own best friend, being your own lover, being your own partner.
Xena: Yeah. And your own biggest cheerleader throughout this entire process. Backing yourself. I think it’s so crucial in everything. I really do. And definitely in me getting to make my 16K month and now going on to my 100K year. Embodying this is everything for me.
So the next question I wanted to offer is I always like to ask what might stop me or make me hesitate when it comes to having my own back. Perhaps what am I afraid of. And for me, I always – I know the answer to that question straight away. It’s like, the right or wrong, getting it right or wrong, worrying about that. So then I’ll often explore what if there is no right or wrong way to do this.
Amy: So is it kind of like a I can have my own back if I didn’t fuck up too much.
Amy: Versus having your own back when it’s just – in other words, there’s some sort of line it’s possible for you to cross, what would it be like to eliminate that line.
Xena: Yeah, and really exploring that.
Amy: Because I think a lot of people do have a story of I can have my own back unless – here’s this container of things, or here’s this box of things that are not okay.
Xena: I don’t want to go in there and touch that.
Amy: I call it loving yourself at your ugliest or loving yourself at your worst or how you would perceive yourself as loving yourself when you’re not very lovable.
Xena: Yeah, so perhaps when something doesn’t go to plan, something that you really wanted to work out, it doesn’t go to plan, instead of like I said before, beating yourself up, thinking about how you can really be kind to yourself.
I’ll give you an example. So recently it was my first time being a guest instructor inside CCM and I did that the next morning after giving a talk to a group of roughly 20 women where I was asked to speak for two hours. Two whole hours. I was like, what?
So anyway, I was asked to do this talk for two hours, and that was on the Wednesday, and then Thursday I was up at 5am to be guests coach instructor at 6am. So it felt like a heck of a week and there was a lot of anxiety. And my brain kept going to all of the worst-case scenarios, like what if you mess it up, what if you say the wrong thing, what if people walk out of this talk, what if it all goes to crap basically.
And I looked at how can I really have my own back no matter what? What would that look like? And so for me, it was asking this question, how do I want to feel afterwards no matter what and what do I want to think? So for me, in both instances, it was I want to feel proud of myself and I want to feel like I helped these women and I made a difference.
And I can still think that no matter what happens. I can still think I showed up, I love these women, I help them, and I made a difference, and feel proud of that, regardless of the outcome. So for me, that was having my own back and I went into both situations thinking that and feeling proud ahead of time. Feeling proud that I said yes to those opportunities that I had a lot of anxiety about.
Amy: Yeah. And it was so funny because I was so excited to have you guest instruct because I had a couple to choose from, well, find out which one Xena can do and then we’ll figure out because I had a couple of them in one week, I was like, find out which one she can do and then we’ll let the rest of them.
Because it’s so funny because sometimes we – going back to having your own back and being your own cheerleader, it’s so much easier sometimes to let other people do that for you. And I love that thought of going into anything that we do as coaches, into our business, before we get on a consult call, before we put on a webinar, before we go into a coaching session with a brand-new client or whatever, how do I want to feel when this is over? I want to feel proud that I showed up and I served this person, this human the best I could. So good.
Amy: What a good thought to go into all of the work that we do with.
Xena: And especially I think when you’re saying yes to something that scares the shit out of you. This month for me has been all about getting outside of my comfort zone and saying yes to things that if I hadn’t have been through CCM, I wouldn’t have yes to. I now have the confidence to say yes, I will come and speak for two hours to a group of women, yes, I will be a guest instructor, yes, I will do this.
Amy: I want you all to know that’s listening, Xena is on this podcast today because this woman sent me an email. And I was like, sold. You are on board. I didn’t even read the whole email you sent. I was like, yes. Get this thing booked, we are getting her – just that sheer act. Because I could see, holy cow, she put herself out there to be told no.
Because I haven’t done a podcast interview with a client since last summer. That was my own thing, like oh yeah, that’s something that I do, I should probably do more of those. You’re here today because you put together a very well-written, you bullet pointed here’s all the things I could talk about, here’s why I think – I’m like, you pitched me.
Xena: I did. Never done it before but I was like, hey, got nothing to lose, let’s do it.
Amy: So that right there, automatically you need to be on because that right there, we’re so afraid of being told no, we’re so afraid of that rejection that we’re doing it wrong, which is just another form of rejecting ourselves, that we don’t put ourselves out for those opportunities.
So not only have you made this next level of income and you’re building your first six-figure year, you’re doing it while having fun and putting yourself out there and saying yes, sure, I’ll do that, I have no idea what that’s going to look like, let’s go.
Xena: Let’s do it.
Amy: I have a fun story. I’m going to be interviewed for one of my master coach sisters and she said I want to have you on my podcast. And I was like, great I can’t wait. And then one of her assistants reached out and she started talking about I’m going to have you in one of the groups.
And I was like, oh, that’s how she does podcast interviews, okay, sounds good. And everything about this, she’s like, you’re going to talk and then there’s going to be audience asking you questions. But everything about the title of this event said interview.
So I said alright, I’ll come prepared. I was like, alright, they’re going to ask me questions, sounds good. And then about five minutes into the introduction, she’s like, alright, Amy, take it away, teach our class about confidence.
And I would die to see the recording of that, that flash on my face when I realized this was not an interview. I was supposed to talk and teach for I didn’t even know how long Xena, 20 minutes, 45, I had no idea. And I thought about very similar to you of these experiences that only is possible, these new experiences you’re in, you look at other people and you’re like, I want to do what she’s doing.
We have to be willing to have people say well, that was dumb, what was she talking about? Thankfully I had just done a big event, my Getting Unstuck event, which was brand new that I had never done, thankfully those points were at the top of my head so I just taught Getting Unstuck really quickly. Top of my head, zero notes.
Only because we put ourselves out there. It’s not the confidence that I’m going to do it perfectly. It’s not the confidence that it’s going to be 100% and out of the park. It’s the confidence that I can handle – you can really handle whatever comes your way.
Xena: Yeah, two things I’d love to add there is I think everything we want is on the other side of discomfort. So why not just say yes? It’s going to be uncomfortable either way. I would have been – I probably would have beat myself up and been very uncomfortable if I had said no to both of those opportunities that I said yes to.
And that brings me to the second thing is when we do things like that, when we do something we haven’t done before, when we do an interview on a podcast or anything like that, our brain, Helga is always going to want to voice afterwards and say you should have said this, you should have done that, you could have said that, it would have been better if you’d done x, y, z. I record a podcast every week and my brain does this every single time. I’m like, oh hi, nice to see you today.
Amy: 100%. I guarantee when we turn this off, I’m going to be like oh, I shouldn’t have talked over her here, or oh, I should have asked this question, this is the question I should have asked instead. That kind of thing. And just know that our – the presence of those Helga thoughts and those Helga critique is not proof that you shouldn’t have done the thing.
Xena: Yes, definitely. And I always love to have on standby what it is that I want to remember afterwards. I’m proud I did that, thank you for saying yes to that opportunity, it would have been even easier to say no but we did it. Well done, I’m proud of you.
Amy: Back to that proud. How do I want to feel? How do I want to think about myself for having your own back? What do I want to think about myself and how do I want to feel when this is over? In that flash, in that moment when her assistant said, alright Amy, I’m going to turn this over, and I had that flash of oh no, it’s fine.
Xena: I got this.
Amy: I got this. I’m just going to start talking and I know whatever comes out of my mouth is going to be what these people need to hear. So, so fun. So I also know that you have kind of a list of thoughts that you kind of have formulated over the course of the mastermind that you rely on, developed, and I’d love to know – so share with me your Xena’s personal confidence.
Xena: Yeah. I had some that I wanted to share with your audience. So one of them is I started this one in my last couple of months is it’s all working even when I can’t see it, even when it doesn’t feel like it, it’s working. Because I went through such a stage where I was believing it’s not working, it’s not working, it’s not working.
And I would sign a client, or something amazing would happen. And really, I got to a place where I realized that it’s working even when I can’t see, even when people aren’t booking in for consults, even when I’m not making the amount that I’d set as a goal this month. It’s still working. Even when I feel crappy it’s still working.
Amy: I love the it’s working even when I can’t see it. I really like that clarification to that statement because I think there’s so many examples in our life that we know things are working even when we’re not actually seeing it. What else do we know is working even though we can’t see it? Why not your coaching business?
Xena: I just get to choose to believe that it’s working even though I can’t see it. And it feels so much better.
Amy: So much better than this is crap, nothing’s working.
Xena: It’s terrible, might as well quit. Yeah. And another one I’ve got here is the how is just none of my business. And I often add to the end of that, my only job is to believe. And a lot of my thoughts for a while there were simple like, it’s possible I could sign a client this week, it’s possible I could have my first five-figure month, it’s possible that I can do x, y, z. And really, the how is none of my business, my only job is believing, or believing that it’s possible.
Amy: I love the idea. The how is none of my business. I’m going to be honest, I can hear my Helga brain going, I don’t know about that. So tell me a little bit more about how that works for you or how you came to that one. The how is none of my business.
Xena: Yeah, so for the first at least four to five months in the mastermind I was just really obsessed with the how. But how do I do that, how do I – I have this goal of creating one client this week, or making 5K this month, but how do I do that? What do I specifically need to do?
And then I just decided that what if I just had to believe that it was possible and take action from the belief. Instead of focusing on all the actions I need to take, if I believed it was possible and I could do it, how would I show up? If I believed it was going to happen no matter what, how would I show up? What would I do?
And so instead of focusing on all of the actions, it was like, what would I be thinking if it was already done? How would I be feeling? If I knew what was happening no matter what, I wouldn’t be worried about it. I wouldn’t be anxious. I wouldn’t be showing up needy and creepy and desperate on social media, which I did a lot of the time.
Amy: I have no idea what that’s like. Please like me, please like me.
Xena: I wouldn’t be doing that and I wouldn’t be posting from that place because I know that this is all working. The how is none of my business. I’m just believing. I’m just believing that it’s happening, it’s working.
Amy: So good. And I like your clarification there because yes, now I can get into that. I can really feel the action is going to come from me just fully believing and really feeling that in my bones. The result is already inevitable, the result already exists in this world. How does that feel? And then what I do next just becomes – it’s literally like I think I’m going to try this.
Xena: And it has been for me a lot of trying different things. I started doing webinars, I did some Facebook Live trainings, I launched a new podcast, just lots of different things.
Amy: I think that’s the important thing. It’s not that you aren’t taking action. You just aren’t forcing your action to create the result that you need it to create in order for you to keep believing.
Xena: Yeah. And when I was thinking that it was the how that was creating my result, I would look back at how I created my last clients, how I created this last result, and then I would try to do that all over again. Instead of looking at actually, what if I just believed that it was happening no matter what? How would I show up? What might I like to try this month?
Amy: I love that. I really want to call this out here to people who are listening and really notice what Xena is saying here is it’s not that we just believe and then go sit on the couch and hope that it happens. It really is I believe so firmly, this result is inevitable, what am I going to do today, what am I going to do next, what’s this next best step I can make today and let’s just see what happens. Very different energy than tell me how to make this happen, tell me how.
Xena: Yeah, totally. Another one of the thoughts that I absolutely love and I think this all the time is just I have the best job in the world.
Amy: I love that one.
Xena: I have the best job in the world. Of course I want to show up, of course I want to help people. All of the time I want to love on my clients, I want to think about them, I go for beach walks and I just think about my clients and how I can help them and how I can take their work even deeper. I think about things I want to do in the world, all of that. I absolutely love my clients, I love coaching, I love what I do, and I really do have the best job in the world.
Amy: I think that’s something that a lot of us coaches – I think we forget sometimes why we’re doing this in the first place, particularly when you’re kind of those trenches and even that verbiage, I immediately start to feel the tightness. I don’t even love what I just said out loud there.
But when we are working so hard in the how, in the action, we’re not getting the result, I think we kind of forget, why are we here? What do we love about our job, our business? What do we love about our business? What do we love about working with people and working with clients? And remembering why we started this in the first place.
Xena: Yeah, I think that’s so important. And for the longest time, I was forgetting that, like, this is what I want to do. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. What’s the rush? This is the best job in the world. I don’t want to do anything else.
Amy: I love that. What’s the rush? Yeah. Because I think that’s something else that we see so often is this rush to, like, I need a certain result in order for me to believe that this is the best job, this is what I should be doing as opposed to – that’s a given. This is the best job in the world. Life coaching is the best thing that we could have possibly chosen. We’re going to change so many people’s lives. It starts with me. What is the rush to create a certain result in our lives so that we can justify showing up?
Xena: Exactly, yeah. And another thought that I love is I am showing other women like me what is possible for them. So, so many of my clients are women like me who were – I was single for more than 10 years and they are afraid to address that part of their life. And I’m an example to them of what’s possible, that you can find someone to share your life with. And yeah, I just love that thought. It just applies to so many different areas of my life and the women that I work with. And so, I’m showing other women just like me what’s possible for them, that they can have this, that they can do this.
Amy: You know, I think it’s really something that just struck me. And I think we forget this sometimes. I think we are in a time and a place where this work has never been more needed and accessible. The overlap, the Venn diagram of needed and accessible. And it’s so funny because so many of us – not everybody, but I find so many life coaches, our social media feeds are full of other life coaches, so we think it’s all been said and it’s all been done before, there’s no space at the table for us.
But most of the humans have this awareness that anything is possible for them. They have this idea that what they think – that they’ve heard these things before. I really see us, as life coaches, at the forefront of an explosion of the realization that we really can create whatever we want in the world. Anything is possible. And more everyday down-the-street people are starting to see that this isn’t just for a certain level of person or a certain type of person. This is actually available to everybody. And this time this place where we are in the history of man.
I know it’s a little – I look back, first of all, none of this is new. I have quotes from across time, “What you think is what you create in the world,” is as old as man, like the philosophers of the ancient days have said this. It’s in the Bible. It’s in all kinds of old texts. It’s not new, but I think it being available to our friends down the street, the mom that’s in the same neighborhood who’s really struggling, the women in the corporate offices who are like, “Am I really creating the career…” apply it to so many different people.
I think we’re really at a time where anything that I want to create really is possible is on the minds of more people now than it ever has been before.
Xena: Yes, I love that. And I totally agree with what you just said in that anything you want, you’ve got to allow yourself to want it and create the desire for it. And once you have that desire for it, that want for it, the next step is just believing that it’s possible.
Amy: Yes, so good. So, I know that we’ve talked about really overcoming your desire to have the how. Was there anything else, any other obstacles that you really feel that you had to overcome when you were in the mastermind?
Xena: In the beginning, “I’m not a very good coach.” I didn’t realize I even had that thought until I joined and, you know, started doing the peer coaching. And even then, I started seeing other people’s evaluations and I started judging myself based off of how my peers were doing, really comparing myself to them and judging myself and comparing myself in peer coaching. There was a lot of comparison going on.
And I started to have that thought that I’m not a very good coach. And I started looking for validation in my peers and in my clients. And that wasn’t very good. It didn’t end well.
Amy: Yeah, I did not have my own back…
Xena: Yeah, I didn’t then, no. Yeah, so…
Amy: Any time we’re looking for validation from someone else…
Xena: Yeah, I wanted that outside validation. So, for me, I got some coaching around that and I really had to start to question, what if that’s not true? And who determines that you’re a good coach? What if you just get to decide that you are a good coach?
Amy: Yes, actually it’s really funny, I just happened to have this book sitting on my desk because I had pulled it out last week. It’s a Steve Chandler, from the Prosperous Coach, the lamppost analogy. I think it’s the perfect analogy. It’s just a somebody’s life would be better if they could talk to a lamp post at the end of their day, just getting out everything that’s in their head, their life would be so much more improved. And you’re better than a lamp post because you can talk back.
Amy: And I know for some people, like, “Well I want to be better than a lamp post.” And you automatically are because you can respond to the person. And to really believe, that right there is helping somebody so much.
Xena: Yeah, so much so. I totally agree.
Amy: Yeah, and as you’ve already mentioned, being in the mastermind and doing the peer coaching and really seeing different people’s styles, the guest instructors that came in a couple of times and just seeing how different people coach opened you up to be able to say, “Oh, I like a little of this and I like a little bit of that.”
Xena: Yeah, and it was just like making a recipe. Like, I’m going to take some of this and some of that and I like the way she did that and I’m going to try that and I’m going to add some of that to my mix and my personality. Yeah.
Amy: So, I also want to remind everybody that’s listening, she’s already certified. So, those of you who are like, “You want to know what? The certification, that will make me a confident coach.”
Xena: Yeah, that piece of paper does not make me feel confident.
Amy: No, it’s possibly a good thing to do, maybe, maybe not. Just know that your confidence is not going to come from the certification because you’re always going to have your Helga brain with you.
I do want to ask, if you could share a nugget that you think you want to leave with listeners, what nugget of information do you want listeners to walk away with after listening to this?
Xena: Such a good question. I think the two things that I just really want to reiterate are be more of yourself. The more you that you are, the more your people will find you. So, where might you be editing or altering yourself to try to get other people to like you or approve of you? Really be honest and open with yourself without judgment. Just be really curious and think about, “How can I be more of myself in this next post or this next thing that I do? How can I just be a little bit more of myself and shine a bright light and unapologetically say this is who I am?”
Because that will attract your people to you. And at the same time, it will repel the people who aren’t your people. Which makes it so much easier for those people who are your people to find you.
And I think for me, it even means better quality friendships, better quality relationships with my peer coaches, the people who are now some of my best friends.
Amy: Isn’t that so fun? Yes.
Xena: Yes. And I think the very last thing is just explore what it would be like to have your own back. Define that for you. What does it mean to have your own back? Why do you want to do that for you? What might get in the way? And really have a look at that. Because I think for me, that has been my biggest takeaway from being in the Confident Coaches Mastermind. So good.
Amy: So, this year, six-figure year?
Xena: Yeah, at least, yeah.
Amy: I love it.
Xena: Yeah, 100K is done. So done. I’m so excited.
Amy: I’m so excited for you too. I love this story. I love – I mean, obviously, I love your energy, I love your hot-pinkness so much. I think what I’m also hearing, what you shared was it didn’t happen in month one. It didn’t happen in month two. There was a minimum of four full months of, “Tell me the how. There’s a right and wrong way. I don’t want to be wrong. What’s the box?” Being afraid of like are you a good enough coach? It okay to be who I am? And filtering yourself in order to fit into a certain description of whatever success is in your mind.
Xena: Yeah, and I kept bringing the same things to get coached on. I kept getting stuck on the same things and I kept showing up, doing the work, bringing it, getting coached, getting peer coached, coaching myself, and yeah. And it was more like month five, six, and seven where I just took off, and it’s like, “Okay, here we are.”
Amy: Yeah, and I think it’s important. Just today in my January class, I coached somebody on we had both seen a post in a coaching group where somebody said, “I started my business six months ago and I’ve just become a six-figure coach and I just certified three weeks ago.” And as soon as I saw the post I was like, “Alright, who am I coaching on this? Who am I going to be coaching this through?” And no joke, an hour later a client raised their hand.
One of the reasons that I love your story so much is because you were an overnight sensation that took five years, six years. You know. This idea that people come out of nowhere, even that person – and I don’t know, this post that I saw in this coaching group, I don’t know this person’s backstory. I don’t know what other businesses she had. I don’t know what her story was up until six months ago.
But there really is, back to your point of what if you decided there was no rush? And that your journey is unfolding at the exact pace that it’s supposed to? And that when you’re ready to have your own back, to drop that story of what’s right and wrong, as soon as you’re ready – you may not be ready right now to drop that story. But as soon as you’re ready, it’s available to drop. And then go create what you want to create in this world. Your story is a perfect example of somebody who’s pivoted this way and pivoted that way and you kept working on it and you did not give up on yourself.
Xena: Yeah. And there were times when that would have been easy to do. I could have given up and said no, I’m not going to do this. I’m going to go and get another nine to five job and go back and do that. And I said no, I’m going to make this work. I am doing this. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Amy: Because this is the best job ever.
Xena: Yeah, it is. It really is. And I think that one of the best investments I ever made in myself was joining CCM. It really was.
Amy: Thank you, mama.
Amy: And I love that too because it reminds me of all of the things that I invested in for myself before I found that coach. And she no longer does as much as this kind of work. She’s moved more into straight sales coaching. But when I first started working with her, she was the first person that was like, “Let’s talk about your self-doubt and your self-love and let’s talk about your self-belief.”
You know, I don’t remember her really talking about confidence per se, but she basically was, “What are you believing about yourself that you don’t have to?” And it’s the principles of what I now coach because that was the first time, I was like, “You mean my self-love and my self-worth and my self-belief have anything to do with this?” And it wasn’t until I really was willing to invest in that level of work, which I’d managed to avoid my whole life.
Month five, I kind of started – it was a couple months later before I had my first five-figure month. I think I had my first five-figure month in seven, eight or nine months of doing this level of work. But it was right in there. And it didn’t come right away and I kept looking for the how, but I knew, I knew what I believed about me ultimately needed to change and it was going to be that work.
Xena: And it’s the best work to do. It so is. And I think that, just like you were saying, having a place to do that with the people around you who are supporting you and coaching you and can call you out on your own bullshit sometimes…
Xena: Right? That’s so valuable.
Amy: Your bullshit’s coming with you, friends. You might as well have a group of coaches who love you to call you out on it.
Amy: Alright, well, how can people connect with you?
Xena: Yeah, they can come and find me on my brand-new podcast, which is called You Are Fucking Brilliant.
Amy: You Are Fucking Brilliant is the name of Xena’s podcast.
Xena: Yeah, that’s it. Come and hang out with me over there. it is so fun. I’m loving recording the episodes there. So, come and hang out there. Also, my website is xenajones.com. And I’m on social media. I’m on Facebook and Instagram. Yeah, search Zena Jones, come hang out.
Amy: So good. And we will include all of those links in the show notes. So, those of you that are listening and you want to listen to that fucking brilliant podcast, if you want to connect with Xena. And first of all, you just need to connect with Xena on social media because she’s going to show you the beaches of New Zealand. And for me, who loves in Saint Louis, Missouri, I’m like, I’ll have some of what she’s having.
So, we will be sure to include all of that information in the show notes for you guys to connect with her. And as you are listening to this, make sure you connect with her and share it on your social media. Make sure you tag Xena and I. Anything else that you want to add before we go?
Xena: You know, I just wanted to reiterate something I said earlier. Everything we want is on the other side of discomfort. And for me, joining CCM was really uncomfortable. Like, I had a lot of doubt, a lot of fear. And it is, like I just said, one of the best investments I have ever made in myself. It really is.
Even just saying yes to opportunities now that I would not have said yes to seven months ago, they’re incredibly uncomfortable, but I want to be a person who says yes to opportunities like this, who does have things, who doesn’t put her fears and doubts first, who lets them ride shotgun and says yes and shows up and does the hard stuff. Because everything I want is on the other side of discomfort, otherwise I’d already have it. Like, I firmly believe that.
Amy: So good. I’m so proud of you, my friend. It’s such an honor to have you here and share your story with my listeners. Such an honor to have you come in and guest-instruct when I need you. Because you are, in fact, brilliant and you do have an amazing job.
Xena: Oh my god, I love what I do. And it was so fun. My guest-instructor role, so fun. What an amazing bunch of coaches. I felt so honored to do that. I was like, “I love you guys. I want to come back.”
Amy: It was so fun. I agree, it is one of the best jobs in the world. And every group has its own little dynamic. Every group has its own little personality. But everybody, we all struggle. Humans, we all struggle with so many of the same similar issues. Just knowing that you’re not alone in this is important. Xena, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for getting up. I don’t know what time it is where you are but thank you so much for being up early in the morning to record this podcast. And thank you for pitching me. Thank you for saying, “Hey, I have something of value to share and can I be on your podcast?” I was like, “Sold.” That’s all it takes, my friends. Thank you
Xena: Thank you.
Amy: You’re welcome. Alright.
What did I tell you, my friends? Is Xena brilliant or is she not brilliant? First of all, can we all just – yes. Her accent is amazing. I love talking to Xena. I could talk to her for hours on end. I love the fact that every time I ever talk to her, it was always the next day in New Zealand where she was.
It was probably a joke that she got so tired of, but I’d always be like, how’s our day going to be today Xena? She’s like, it’s going to be amazing. Because she was a half a day into the future.
And I just really love again, her stories of how she thought about people in New Zealand don’t buy life coaching and in her belief in that, and how she really did struggle through the mastermind to figure out what is it that I’m missing and what is it that I don’t have, only to realize that it was that having her own back that she really needed and really believing that it’s all working, even when I can’t see it or even when it doesn’t feel like it.
It’s all working and I wonder, that was my favorite, I wonder how it’s going to happen. So, so good. And this is the work that we do inside Confident Coaches Mastermind. The next round is going to be coming up. I am so excited to find more coaches who are ready to do this work. Is that you? I really hope that that’s you.
We’re going to be announcing the applications opening very soon. I hope that you are ready to go. We start in just a couple of weeks and I cannot wait for this new class that is coming in. I hope that you will be joining us. Alright coaches, until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.
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Thanks so much for listening to The Confident Coaches Podcast. I invite you to learn more. Come visit me at amylatta.com and until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.