Ep #24: Confidence Through Vulnerability

You are listening to episode 24 of The Confident Coaches Podcast, the one where you’re going to create killer confidence through a vulnerability plan.

Welcome to The Confident Coaches Podcast, a place for creating the self-confidence you need to do your best work as a life coach. If you want to bring more boldness, more resilience, and more joy to your work, this is the place for you. I’m your host, Amy Latta. Let’s dive in.

Hello, hello, my Confident Coaches. How is everyone doing out there? Well, it’s about mid-April now and we have officially settled into this is just our life now. This is just how things are. We don’t actually know how long it’s going to go. We don’t know how many waves there’s going to be. You listening in the future know more than we do, obviously. And I think we’re finally settling into, “How am I going to keep doing this life coaching thing? How am I going to keep doing this? This is my life now. This is what we’re doing. This is the life we’re leading. I still have this gift to share.”

And I say, let’s do it. Let’s take all of this amazing stuff that’s going on. One thing I continue to coach so many of my clients on so many thoughts and worries and doubts that they had that the coronavirus has brought up to the surface. And I say, let’s do it. this is perfect work for all of us to be doing.

So, if you’re experiencing a heightened level of that, just know that the coronavirus has simply brought to light all of the worries that you’ve had all along. And I hope that you have a coach alongside you right now helping you work through those things. All of the reasons that you haven’t been able to create the coaching business that you wanted, all of your doubts, all of your lack of confidence, it’s coming up to the surface. Let’s help you process it, okay.

So, I hope you’re diving into these episodes and learning all you have to learn. And if you are not currently working with a coach, I’m currently talking with people, having consultation calls, and filling my next group, filling my next Confident Coaches Mastermind. You’ll hear a little bit more about that at the end of this episode.

So, I’m telling you, this is the work that we’re doing. It’s so good. If it sounds like work you need to be doing too, join us. Come hang out with us.

So, I’m really super-excited about this episode today because this is literally a brank spanking new concept. When I say brand spanking new, it’s something that the first ideas of it sparked back in January. I’ve created a module around the idea of it in my new Confident Coaches Mastermind. I have an entire member vault now with all of my teaching tools and all of my concepts around confidence.

But when I say I just created it, I just put all of these pieces together this morning while on a coaching call with one of my current clients. And you’re going to hear all about it in just a moment. I’m so excited about today’s topic that I can’t wait to share it with you. But I do want to share, for just a moment before I do, I want to give a shoutout to Confident Coaches Podcast listener Risa Coleman. Hello, Miss Risa.

Risa helps women stop overeating using the BARE method. She is a coach with Susan Hyatt. She has her own business where she works with mothers of the bride to help them stop overeating, to learn to love their bodies again, and to get healthy and to live and feel comfortably in the body that they have. She is a former client of mine, she’s a Confident Coaches listener. I love her more than anything.

And this is the review that she left on Apple Podcasts for the show. Risa said, “Each episode always delivers brilliant information and practical tools that blow my mind in my own personal life and in my coaching business. Each episode addresses exactly what I’m struggling with and I always walk away with solution-focus and a can-do attitude. I look forward to each episode and often listen to them several times to get all of its gems. I’ve recommended this podcast and Amy to all my coaching friends and colleagues. Thank you, Amy, for your brilliant work and fueling my life with confidence.”

Thank you, my friend Risa. So, here’s a shout out to you. I love you guys so much. I love you so much. And thank you to everyone who left me a review and made my birthday amazing. I appreciate you all so much. It was so fun to see them coming in. if you haven’t had a chance to leave one yet, please, I would love to hear your amazing goodness about the show, your takeaways, what you’re learning from it, why it’s helping you, what else you would love to hear on the show, and also I will read them on the air and give you a little shout-out.

Alright, so I want to talk to you guys today about the idea of creating and implementing a vulnerability plan. And by the way, I want to note that I keep struggling saying the word vulnerability. So, just know that I’m saying vulnerability. Sometimes I add a few extra syllables in there. But it’s not surprising because guess what emotion that I can sometimes struggle with… So, maybe there’s a little coincidence there.

So, I want to share this with you, that I have been a master coach candidate through The Life Coach School since October. This is being recorded mid-April. So, we’re talking over six months now. And I’m still in the master coach training program. The finish line is close. We have done so much work at this point.

So, the first three months of the program was individual self-coaching, peer coaching, and turning in some assignments, study type work, to prepare for our week-long in-person training that was in Grand Cayman back in January, which at this point feels like it was about five years ago.

Remember when we used to travel? Remember when we used to get on airplanes and go to beaches? Yes, so the first week of January, we spent in Grand Cayman. And it was while I was there having my coaching critiqued – so imagine this. You’re in a room full of coaches. You are coaching someone else. You are being evaluated on how you’re coaching, if you’re being coached, you’re being evaluated on the coaching that you’re getting. You are evaluating coaching.

So, at any given time, you’re being coached, you are coaching, you’re evaluating coaching. And then there are people evaluating all of that. Talk about vulnerability, right?

But here’s the interesting thing. I kept bumping up against this thing and I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was specifically in a coaching session where one of the master coach instructors named Molly stopped me and was like, “What is this thing you keep avoiding? What are you afraid is going to happen?”

So, she was critiquing me coaching someone else. And the same thing kept happening where I kept bumping up this thing and I couldn’t pinpoint it. I didn’t know what it was. It was so obvious that in all of these situations, I would coach a person to this one place and then I would not dive in. I would not go all the way. I would pull back. I would allow myself to get confused.

And so, she just asked me, “What is it that you’re so afraid is going to happen?” And I immediately felt this sensation come over my body. The best way I can describe it is raw. I felt it across my chest, down my arms, and it wasn’t anxiety because it wasn’t buzzy enough. It wasn’t prickly enough. It was just exposed; raw.

I can even feel it now as I’m explaining it to you. Like, my stomach coming up into my throat, so there’s a tightness in my throat. I can feel it right now my shoulders are kind of like pulled down and there’s this raw exposed – like you’ve been scrubbing your skin. That feeling of really raw scrubbed skin. It doesn’t feel good, right?

And she asked me if I knew what it was, and I didn’t. I could not figure out what this emotion was. And it wasn’t until days later, I think the day after training ended and I was sitting with a very good friend of mine, Sasha. She was helping.

We were having breakfast together; it was the day we were traveling back home. And she was doing coaching with me and I realized that what the emotion was, was vulnerability. Now, it seems so obvious now, but it was not obvious to me. And this is why; I had never thought of myself as a person who was afraid to feel vulnerable because I see myself as a very authentic person.

And if you followed me at all – if this is your first time meeting me, you may not know this about me, but people who have followed my Facebook lives, who listen to my podcast or read my emails, I did a podcast episode about being on a mountaintop just a few weeks ago, or about a month ago. And this point it was about two months ago. My goodness, coronavirus is changing my concept of time, right?

Like, two months ago when I was on the mountain in Phoenix, Arizona, I did an entire episode about the mental fear of gymnastics. And talk about authenticity, sharing with you this thing that happened and it was so raw and it was emotional. You know, I’ve cried on the podcast. I’ve cried on Facebook lives before. I’m not afraid to share about losing my dad and the impact that that had, when my grandmother died.

These are all things I have openly shared. And so, I’ve never thought of myself as being afraid of vulnerability. And here’s the interesting thing that I realized as I was flying home and a couple of weeks after grand Cayman was like, “Why couldn’t I identify vulnerability when I don’t have a problem with it?”

And that’s when I realized, I totally embrace authenticity. I’m fully authentic. But vulnerability is an entirely different ballgame. There’s a big difference between authenticity and vulnerability.

What’s really funny is about five years ago – yeah, it was five years ago, it was 2015, it was before I even discovered The Life Coach School. I was coaching but I hadn’t learned the methods that I share with you on this podcast. And authenticity was my very first word of the year.

I wanted to start showing up in the world in a way I never had before, I didn’t want to hide who I was anymore. And I really embraced the concept of authenticity. And I have always thought authenticity, vulnerability, it’s kind of the same thing.

And here’s what I learned back in January; it’s not at all. Authenticity is showing the world everything I want you to see. There’s a level of control there. Yes, I’m pulling back the curtains, absolutely but I’m not necessarily pulling back all of the curtains. And I’m doing it within a controlled environment.

There’s still a box of safety around me when I show up in an authentic way. Absolutely, you are seeing sides of me. Absolutely, I am sharing vulnerable pieces of my life. Absolutely, I’m sharing intimate stories. But it’s controlled. I am controlling what I allow you to witness, what I allow you to see. Vulnerability, on the other hand, is allowing the world to show me what I need to experience and to bring me the experience that I need for my growth.

There is no box. There are no safe walls. All the safety nets are gone. Authenticity is me showing the world, but it’s within a safe place. I get to decide what the boundaries are. Vulnerability, there are no boundaries. This is me fully allowing the world to show me what I need, and I’m going to fully experience it and I’m going to fully allow it. and I don’t determine what the boundaries are, necessarily.

Now, to be really clear, I’m not talking about boundary issues. I’m not talking about being vulnerable and putting yourself into a physically dangerous situation. Be really clear what I mean by no boundaries and letting go of the safety net, that my physical wellbeing is not in danger when I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable.

And the reason that this is so important is because vulnerability is the path to confidence. Now, authenticity can be a piece of that. There’s nothing wrong with being authentic in any way, shape, or form. I fully advocate it, absolutely. Just understand that you are still controlling what you allow yourself to experience. You are still putting parameters around that. But if you really want to step even more into becoming a fully confident coach, vulnerability is the path to be on.

Just yesterday, I was on a coaching call with my client Stacey and she was describing it as having a real Jack and Rose experience. You know what I’m talking about. Think of the bow of the Titanic. She was describing vulnerability as you are up there, you ware wedged right into the V of the bow of the ship. Your arms are wide open. But you’re safe right there.

It’s exhilarating. It’s thrilling. You are getting the full experience. But someone has your back. I offered her that she is actually both the Jack and the Rose. She has her back. She is safe. She’s not going to die. She’s not going to get injured. She’s not going to be physically harmed. She’s not going to be kicked out of the tribe. But she’s going to feel the full exhilaration of what life has to allow her to experience.

And the reason I was talking about this with Stacey and I was talking about it with a couple of my other clients is because last week I was inviting a whole bunch of my clients to purposely put themselves into moments of vulnerability, allow themselves to feel that.

This has been a running theme behind the coaching scenes over here at Amy Latta Coaching, right? So, here’s where the vulnerability plan really came full circle.

So, I had the idea of it back in the Caymans when I realized that authenticity and vulnerability were two different things, I even created a module about the difference between authenticity and vulnerability for the member vault in my Confident Coaches program. And I have even been inviting my clients to purposefully put themselves into this space of vulnerability, to grow their confidence to become more confident.

But the concept of the actual vulnerability plan as I’m getting ready to outline came on the phone call today with my clients Billie Jo. She and Stacey and a couple of my clients last week, I invited all of them to step into that vulnerability. And two things happened to Billie Jo this past week that blew open the doors on this plan that she shared with me.

First of all, Billie Jo is a coach for blended families; for step-moms, for moms who have to work with step-moms. So, she’s a coach or blended families and she has her own private Facebook group. And so, part of her, “I’m going to be vulnerable this week,” is I’m going to reboot this Facebook group that I’ve kind of let go. I’m going to show up in there, I’m going to tell them exactly who I am, exactly how I can help them. I’m going to turn that camera on and I’m going to share everything I have with them in a Facebook live.

So, she’s on her Facebook live and she’s talking. And as she relayed this story to me, she goes, “And then I start seeing so and so’s name and so and so’s name. And that’s when I realized, these so and sos aren’t in my group and that’s when I realized, I’m not on Facebook live in my private small box group. I’m on Facebook live on my personal page where I never talk about this stuff, where I very rarely mention what I do and how I help people.”

And she goes, “And sure enough, Amy Latta popped into my head. And if that bitch didn’t pop into my head and say go be vulnerable, everything’s okay, there you were in my head…” by the way, I personally kind of love it when my clients say, “That bitch Amy Latta got in my head,” because I’m like, “Damn straight I did. I hope in in your head. I hope I’m in there when you are getting ready to do something that scares the crap out of you and you remember that you’re totally going to be okay.”

So, there I was in her head in that moment. So, instead of hitting stop, instead of sitting down, she kept going. And people started commenting and people started sharing. And she got 14 new people into her group off of that Facebook live. People were excited to hear what she had to share. It wasn’t at all in her plan.

She was planning a little bit of vulnerability and she kind of accidentally had a big vulnerability moment, right? And it totally worked in her favor. Now, people who didn’t know that this is the work that she was doing, they were so excited about what she was sharing because she was sharing very authentically and she was experiencing vulnerability, but the real vulnerability came when she realized that she was exposing herself to that larger group, that she would not have done that if she had – she would not have planned that. She was very clear about that.

So, after that happened, she did decide to do a more planned vulnerability moment where she is in another Facebook group that she does not monitor. It’s not her group, so she was merely commenting on somebody’s else’s post and offering a different take on the situation.

And I don’t have all the details of the post, but the long and short of it is she posted the possibility that the step-mom in the case, the other mom in the case, while we may not agree with what she was doing, that we can still learn to be okay with somebody who is doing something that we may not want them to do.

It’s a basic tenant of the kind of life coaching that we do, that we don’t need other people to do what we want them to do in order for us to be happy. They get to do whatever they want to do. We don’t have to make it mean anything.

And not everybody liked that. And as she described it, “And the haters came out.” Many people were very upset with what she had to say. They did not like what she had to say. And all the vulnerability came up.

What’s one of the reasons we don’t post on Facebook? What’s one of the reasons we don’t go live? What’s one of the reasons we don’t record that podcast and we don’t send that email? We are afraid that someone’s going to disagree with us. To which I say, I hope people disagree with you. If people are disagreeing with you, that means that you’re saying something worth saying. You’re saying something that has a strong point, that is something to put out there, that’s worth putting out there into the world.

So, here was that situation where she did that, that very thing happened, and then she took note. And then other people also came, as she phrased it, to my defense. Other people stepped up and said, “Hey, I understand what she’s saying.” So yes, there are people that didn’t agree with her. But there were also a ton of people that did like what she had to say and she noted that one post got a ton of attention for her. She had even more people join her group.

So, what happened was what she didn’t plan for, which is where the whole concept of the vulnerability plan came up, is that she felt terrible a couple of days later. and she couldn’t figure out why. As she described it, she was just fatigued. She was totally peopled-out. She just didn’t feel very good. She was cranky. She was short-tempered and she was like this very teenager energy of like, “I just deserve to not do anything. I just want to chill out.” But as she described it, it felt like she was kind of cheating on herself.

I’ve experienced this myself and it feels like a guilty pleasure moment. I’ve recently – I turned in my master coach project and I experienced a lot of vulnerability and I found myself in that same energy of, like, I deserve a break. And these are all signs of what my coach Stacey calls a vulnerability hangover, when you put yourself out there in such a way and you allow yourself to experience such a high level of vulnerability.

If this isn’t something that you’re used to and you’re not used to processing that emotion and allowing for it, it does have a side effect. It’s like vulnerability side effects of fatigue and being cranky. And once Billie Jo realized that that’s why she felt this way, she was like, “Oh, that’s why.” And she immediately started feeling better about it.

And that is where, as she was sharing this with me today – so, this has all just happened in the past week – I started formulating, what if we created a vulnerability plan, that we’re not just putting yourself out there and experiencing a bunch of vulnerability side effects and having that vulnerability hangover, but you’re actually planning for all of that.

And it’s very intentional and you’re building in the tools that you need so that you can and you are able to keep going. Because on the other side of vulnerability is an unprecedented level of confidence.

So, here’s is what we came up with. As we were on the phone, I outlined this and got input and feedback from her specifically. So, this is a huge shoutout to Billie Jo because she helped me tie all of these pieces together. So, this is what goes into a vulnerability plan.

First and foremost, you have to have a goal. There has to be a tangible reason why you’re showing up and allowing yourself to be so vulnerable. This isn’t just vulnerability for vulnerability’s sake. This is not just feeling terrible and fatigued and cranky and awful just because, hey, I may feel confident someday. No.

What’s the tangible result that you are trying to achieve? Maybe it’s your BHAG. Maybe it’s your big hairy audacious goal. Maybe it’s five consults on the book this week. Maybe it’s a new client this week. Maybe it’s two more clients by the end of this month. But what is the result that you are trying to create?

Make sure you know what you’re working towards, that there’s a tangible thing attached to all of this emotional work that’s getting ready to follow. And then practicing belief. Asking yourself, every single day, what do I need to think today to be a 10/10 in my belief that I can achieve that result, that I can create that result, that I can achieve that goal.

Way back in episode two, I explained in detail how exactly to figure out what you need to think in order to believe and the process of sitting in belief, where you say it out loud, you breathe into it, you get the belief out of your brain and into your bones. So first, we decide what the result is, then you practice what your belief is and sitting in that belief.

And then three, go out there. Go mess up. Go fail. In my program, I call it daily asks and fail stacks. There’s a module for that too. That’s going to be the new thing. There’s a module for that. There’s a module for all about daily asks and fail stacks. These are the things you’re going to do so that you’re actually going to bring yourself into that place of vulnerability.

Billie Jo didn’t like any of that language. She didn’t like go fail, she didn’t like daily asks. If you need to mute-button, because I’m about ready to drop an F-bomb, but this specifically, how Billie Jo described it, “I just need to go fuck shit up.” Yes, now go fuck some shit up. Go mess up.

She talked about, like, “I went and I fucked shit up on Facebook live. I went and I did it in the wrong group and I experienced exactly the level of vulnerability that I would not have invited myself. And then I went and I fucked shit up in that other Facebook group, by purposefully, it was going to be controversial and people are going to have an opinion about it.”

So, the third thing, like, go fuck shit up. Go ask for something big. Go mess up. Go purposefully fail. Push yourself just a little bit more into vulnerability. What would you normally do? And then take that up a notch so that you really are stepping onto that bow. Go full on Rose. Spread your arms open. Step up onto that bow.

What’s something that you can do? That would be the experience that you are allowing yourself for. And then make sure, number four, make sure that you do an evaluation before the vulnerability side effects set in. what worked? What didn’t work? What are you going to do differently next time?

We want to be learning from these vulnerable actions. Again, it’s not just vulnerability for vulnerability’s sake. We want to be learning from the actions that you’re taking that are creating all of this vulnerability, right? So, I invited Billie Jo to do that too. What did she learn from going live in that Facebook? What did she learn from posting in there? What would she di differently? Would she do it again? If she would do it again, what might she do just a little bit differently and make it even better?

And then you want to allow the vulnerability to come because it’s going to come. Be aware of the signs, of the side effects of vulnerability, like Billie Jo described them; fatigue, being peopled-out and just not feeling good, being cranky and short-tempered.

When those side effects show up, remember, there it is. Have the awareness of it because half of your relief is just going to be remembering, that’s what that is. Of course, you’re going to feel that way. And then be compassionate with yourself.

Once you recognize that you’re experiencing the side effects of a high level of vulnerability, practice some self-care. What’s your plan here? Go take that hot bath. Go take that walk. Go snuggle up in a blanket and read that book. Have what you will do to take a break already planned.

Last week, both Billie Jo and I did not have this part of the plan figured out. And so, instead we were just kind of like teenager on the couch, “I deserve this and you can’t make me,” and it was a guilty pleasure feeling as opposed to a luxurious planned-for break.

Do you see, the action looks very much the same, but the emotion of it feels very different? So, instead of this guilty pleasure, I’m cheating on myself with myself, it’s a luxurious planned-for break where I am taking care of me because I’m allowing my brain and my body to process the vulnerability that I’ve just asked it to experience.

And remember, nothing has gone wrong. You experienced exactly what you were supposed to experience. Every time you step up, as Rose onto that bow and you’re putting your arms wide pen and you’re allowing yourself to feel that raw vulnerable feeling, that showing up in a way that you would not normally do is going to create.

This is exactly what you’re supposed to be experiencing. That is vulnerability; the world bringing to you what you need to experience so that you can grow and become a more confident person and a more confident coach.

And implementing a vulnerability plan teaches your brain so many things. First if all, you didn’t die. It was the first thing I said to Billie Jo after she was telling me about going live on her personal page instead of her Facebook group. I go, “But did you die?” And she was like, “No, I didn’t die.”

That amygdala in your brain, that primitive lizard brain, she’s going to tell you that you’re going to die. Like, everything will tell you, “I’m going to die if I send this email. I’m going to die if I post this controversial topic. I’m going to die.”

And the thing is, number one, your brain learns you don’t actually die. Your primitive brain learns you don’t actually die. And then two, what else it learns, like anthropologically, we are wired for in-group out-group, right? And we’re so afraid we’re going to be put into the out-group if we speak our mind and we show up in a way that’s very authentic and real and vulnerable.

But you’re going to learn that you weren’t actually shunned from the in-group when you show up and you be who you really are. And when you’re sharing you with the world, you won’t be shunned from the group. You won’t be kicked out of the tribe because there’s always going to be a tribe for you.

So, even in that instance where Billie Jo did speak her mind and gave a controversial response, there were people that were not happy with her, that would have kicked her out of the tribe. But she just found other people to be in a tribe with. She found another in-group that were like, I hear what you’re saying and thank you for sharing.

And then the last thing, you’re experiencing emotions that you have done your best to avoid. This is the ultimate emotional strength training. I did an entire podcast on that. And yes, there’s a module for that in the member vault too.

Emotional strength training is teaching your brain that you can experience a variety of human emotions. And the more you experience them, the stronger you’ll get and the more those emotions won’t stop you and won’t paralyze you.

This is all about becoming a person who says what they believe, who allows others to agree or not agree. And you don’t make it mean anything negative about yourself. You’re going to be a more powerful marketer. You’re going to be a more powerful coach. You’re going to become so much better at connecting with perspective clients when you become this person who’s willing to experience that vulnerability.

Think of the mentors in your life that you look up to and their ability to do this. It requires vulnerability for them to be able to do that and you can do it too.

Go be vulnerable, but now do it with a plan. Create your vulnerability plan and attach it to a real result that you’re trying to create. First, what’s the goal? Then what’s the belief? And practice that belief. Now, go, mess up. Go have your Rose on the Titanic bow moments. Allow for the vulnerability. Recognize the symptoms of it when it shows up.

And then remember to take that luxurious break, that self-care moment where you’re going to purposefully take a break to allow your brain and your body to process the vulnerability that you experienced. And then rinse and repeat. Strengthen that muscle. Implement the vulnerability plan as many times as you can. And the more you do it, on the other side, is some next-level confidence.

Alright, my friends. Okay, let’s go do some epic stuff this week.

Hey, friends, the doors for my next Confident Coaches Mastermind are open. Confident Coaches is what happens when you mix powerful self-confidence tools with your specific business goals. Feel confident marketing, selling, and coaching your ideal clients.

In Confident Coaches, you will have access to the brand-new Confident Coaches member volt with every confidence-creating concept and tool I have created and that I personally have used to take my life coaching business from four figures to multiple six figures. And you’ll get the coaching that you need to apply the information – not just learn the information, but apply the information – in weekly group coaching sessions with nine of your life coaching peers.

We start the first week of May and there’s only 10 spots. Two are already taken, and it will sell out. So, fill out the application to see if you qualify. Go to www.amylatta.com/mastermind, and I cannot wait to see you there.

Thanks so much for listening to The Confident Coaches Podcast. I invite you to learn more. Come visit me at www.amylatta.com and until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.