Ep #196: F*ck ‘Em. Be Unapologetically You

You are listening to episode 196 of The Confident Coaches Podcast, the one where, well, you better send the kids out of the room for this one. Let’s go.

Welcome to The Confident Coaches Podcast, a place for creating the self-confidence you need to do your best work as a life coach. If you want to bring more boldness, more resilience, and more joy to your work, this is the place for you. I’m your host, Amy Latta. Let’s dive in.

Okay, so before we dive in today, I need you to know right now I’m about to cuss, like I’m about to cuss a lot. If you need to put headphones on, send the kids out. Stop playing this in a crowd and I’ll give you a moment. I mean, I don’t not cuss on my podcast. I’ve cussed before, but this one’s going to sound like George Carlin, Richard Pryor and Robin Williams all trying to out cuss one another up in heaven.

Okay? And yes, it is necessary. So, if you personally don’t love cussing, that’s why I’m giving like a lot’s getting ready to come at you. But it’s really. Important in this message in this episode is one, every one of y’all are going to need to hear, like, like now, like you need to hear this right now. I guarantee no matter what’s going on with you, you need to hear this today, and you’re probably going to need to hear it next week.

And you should probably just plug this one into a at least once a month rotation. I need it. You need it. We all need it regularly. Because here’s the thing, we’re coaches, right? And we’ve heard the words like be unapologetically yourself, and all of us want to be unapologetically ourselves. This is an evolved version of us.

Be unapologetic. Don’t worry about what other people think, right? I mean, I’ve said that. I’ve even said, there’s no such thing as judgment. The only judgment you can actually feel is from your own thoughts. And listen, while that’s technically true also, isn’t it kind of complete bullshit sometimes? I mean, am I right or am I right?

Like I’ve seen y’all’s faces. Here’s the thing. Nine times out of 10, it’s true. People aren’t even thinking about you much less what you think they’re thinking about you. It actually is in your head, and you will feel instantly better when you realize that. That’s not what this episode’s about.

There wouldn’t be this many fucks coming your way if that’s what this episode was about. We actually are talking about that one time out of 10. Those every once in a blue moon when somebody is outwardly talking against you in some way to your face, like in the rumor mill, wherever it may be. Like there are people who are dead set on not understanding you because you are different than they are, and you want to know what I say.

Fuck ’em. There are people who don’t like you because you value something different than they value. Nah, fuck ’em. There are people. Who are just never going to get you, they’re never going to get what you do. They don’t understand why you operate the way you operate, and they’ve decided that you’re just wrong for all of it.

Fuck ’em. There are people who choose to see the worst in you because you don’t operate the way that you want, because you don’t live up to their expectations, because they don’t understand your actions. There are people who choose to see the worst in you, no matter what you try to do about it, and you want to know it, my friend, fuck ’em.

You have to be truly unapologetic. That is really how you are going to experience your life at its fullest for you, is by allowing those people. To think, say, do whatever they are going to. And yes, I do know how hard this is. I know how it triggers your nervous system. I know how unsafe it can feel. 100%. I know how terrible, like feels like death.

Terrible being activated like this. Is like, hi, I am Amy. I have ADHD, and one of its common COIs issues is rejection sensitive dysphoria. I feel rejection, like so much of my life has been explained. Once I discovered that this was a thing, I feel rejection on a cellular level, like I’m literally wired and chemically function differently to feel rejection differently than somebody.

Who doesn’t have rejection sensitive dysphoria? I get it. And if you are in an interaction that is along the lines of what I’m talking about in here, that sensation that triggering of your nervous system, if therapy is needed, my hand is being raised right here, like sometimes. Truly unapologetic and truly fuck ’em attitude.

For some people, not everyone, you might need the support of a therapist to help you process those emotions 100%. But I also promise you it’s 100% worth being truly unapologetic, even though being unapologetic is easier for some people. Whether it comes easy for you, maybe you land somewhere in the middle, or it seems impossible.

I am inviting you to truly embrace the energy of Fuck ’em. So, if you are in a specific situation where a lot of this is being activated and your desire to fix it all in some way, if that is happening, I highly recommend bringing a therapist along. It really is life changing. I cannot recommend it enough.

Coaching is amazing. Coaching is brilliant work. Everything in this episode is so worth your time, your energy, all of that. And also, don’t not rule out extra care if this is really emotionally and nervous system triggering for you, because I get it. I’ve been there. I’m never right now myself.

Okay? And yet, fuck them energy is still, it’s still goals, my friend. And here’s why. Because as soon as I go, fuck ’em. All kinds of people get all kinds of thoughts of like, wow, that’s harsh, Amy. Wow. You know, like a little punchy, much fuck ’em doesn’t mean you’re an asshole. Like, I know, fuck them. Sounds like you’re just going to turn around and be a dick right back to them.

Oh no. That is not fuck ’em energy. Fuck ‘em energy means like we stop giving them the power to decide who and what you should be. Fuck them is a taking back of your power in and your, it’s becoming more empowered. Fuck them means you stop contorting yourself to try to make them happy with you.

Fuck them actually has so much less to do with them, and it has everything to do with you and your relationship with you. Like when. You need to institute fuck ’em energy. Like that’s your signal. You are focusing way too much on your relationship. That, that, that is outside of you, and you are not focusing on the relationship that you have with you.

Fuck ’em. Is refocusing on you and moving forward in motion instead of backwards. What do I need to do to make you okay with me? Person that’s over here. Fuck him. Is forward thinking and forward momentum with you. The most important relationship you’re ever going to have in your entire life with you fuck him, is the reminder that’s the energy that’s most important.

That’s the relationship that’s most important. It is forward thinking. It is not negative towards the person. It is positive towards you. You actually aren’t a dick to them at all. It’s a detachment from them and from their opinion out of a love for yourself. And it might mean a literal detachment, right?

It might mean no longer sharing the same space with that person or those people or whatever. That may or may not be possible. Like you might be in a situation where the person you need to like institute fuck him energy with and truly become an apologetically, you, I’m going to trip over that word a hundred times.

They might be family members; they might be relationships you can’t move away from. Like that might be part of, and I’m going to, I’m going to bring up a personal example of that. Like, you may not be able to detach right, but you can still. Emotionally through instituting fuck ’em. Be more unapologetically you and detach yourself from their opinion of you.

Fuck ’em energy is actually like, it’s an internal experience, not so much external, and it’s actually a respect for the other person, not to pander to them. Right? We’re not trying to drag them along. We also, like, we’re not matching their energy by seeing the worst in them. Right? Like, these are people who’ve decided that they see the worst in you, and we’re not going to match their energy by seeing the worst in them.

We’re going to divert our energy to the people who see the best in us, right? And it’s letting go for both of your sake. Right? And fuck him. Energy is also not ignoring any wrongs that you may have actually committed towards them. So, some people are going to assume the worst in you, and you’ve never even done anything wrong.

Right, like for a million reasons that can happen, like you’ve done nothing wrong and for whatever, this person just like sees you and assumes you’re a giant piece of shit. And it’s so confounded. Like, it’s so confusing, right? Like, it’s like, what have I ever even done? Right? And we want to go fix it.

Fuck ‘em energy is like, no, that’s not mine to fix. I’m going to fix my relationship with myself instead. Sometimes people see the worst in you because there’s a reason. And so, fuck them energy is not ignoring that. You may have done something that words an apology. Apologize, and like a real apology, not an apology.

And that’s like, I’m sorry that you feel that way. That’s a terrible apology. Don’t do that. This is a, I’m sorry that I’ve created a situation where you feel whatever it is, right? But you feel unsafe. You know, you were unheard. I didn’t hear you. I didn’t see you. I didn’t acknowledge you.

I’ve hurt you; I’ve harmed you in some way. Whatever the situation may be. Like the language around that’s going to depend on what the actual harm or the apology is about. And fuck him energy, it’s like you mean it, right? Not just like apologizing. So, like, you can check that box. Like, no, like genuinely.

Help me understand and if you know what you did apologize. If you’re not entirely sure, be willing to say something like, tell me more. Help me understand why you feel the way that you do and mean it. Make amends and also you weren’t throwing yourself under the bus in the process. Okay? You are not a doormat; you are not lining yourself up for regular cannings.

By the way, hi, my name is Amy Latta, and that’s 100% something that I have been built, been guilty of like almost my entire life. And let me tell you, it only makes the situation worse when you throw yourself under the bus and you’re just like, yes, you’re right. I’m awful. I’m terrible. There’s A, a John Mullaney joke.

If you don’t know John Mullaney, he’s a comedian. I’ve seen all of his work, all of his specials, and he actually has this joke about like he wants people to like him so much. You could spill soup on me, and I’d apologize to you like. That is me. I have apologized for the things people have done to me. I have apologized for things I didn’t even do, but the person thinks I did it, so I apologize.

And then try to explain how maybe that’s not actually what happened, which is very confusing. And that’s actually happened in a very close family situation like over a decade ago. And. It made things worse because the other part person is like, why are you trying to explain that the thing that you apologized for didn’t actually happen?

Like, no one does that. Like, if it didn’t happen, why did you apologize? And I’m like okay. But I am really sorry. Right. It makes it worse, and now it’s even worse because now they think you’re a liar. You’ve apologized for something that you haven’t done. Obviously, you did it, but now you’re telling me you didn’t, so now you’re just lying to me.

And really, you’re just being a doormat is how like I was allowing myself to just let people accuse me of things or be able to say like, I don’t know how to change your mind, so let me just apologize for the thing that you think I did. And it feels awkward. It’s super weird. It’s does not make things better.

I can tell you that right now. And it’s just you are throwing yourself under the bus like you can apologize for things that you actually did, do not apologize for things you, you truly, honestly didn’t even do. Be willing to understand the other person’s perspective. But you don’t have to throw yourself under the bus in the process.

You don’t have to like flog yourself, I promise. Fuck ‘em energy is acknowledging any hurt, any feeling, taking responsibility for it, and moving on from there. That’s that. Fuck them energy. Fuck ‘em energy is also not whiny. It’s not woe is me. You won’t believe what this big bad mean thinks of me, right.

Because here’s, here’s a hard truth. Some people are going to think the worst of you, not because of anything that you’ve done that you maybe need to apologize for, but like, maybe there’s just something about you that doesn’t allow you to live up to their expectations. Like it’s because of. Who or what you are.

It’s not even something you can change if you wanted to change, you know, maybe it’s your voice, maybe it’s your background where you’re from. Maybe it’s, you know, people used to formally associate with that you aren’t anymore, and you can’t go back into a time machine. You know, maybe it’s physical or neurological.

It’s something about you inherently and your body. You know, I’ve had clients who have ADHD. I’ve had friends who are autistic maybe have a diagnosis like a bipolar disorder, et cetera, and those things shouldn’t preclude you from being able to have a business. But also, you might show up in the world in a way that others are like, eh.

Like it’s been really eye-opening to realize, you know, since I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, I used to joke that I thought that I had it, but there was still this part of me that was like, you know what, at some point I’m going to outthink out, coach, find a solution so that this isn’t a thing anymore. And one of the things that the diagnosis has done, and it has me swinging oftentimes from like, you know, freedom.

There’s a reason to shame of like, oh, I actually can’t change this thing and crap. Right. I can’t actually fix this so that people will stop thinking that I’m unprofessional for being fidgety or forgetting to reply or overexplaining sometimes because my mind is going so fast, you know? Or sometimes when I just totally miss the mark on something, it’s very common and it sucks.

And also feeling sorry for ourselves does not feel better like that. That feels worse. I can’t change the thing. That some people would like me to change, like they might not even know what the thing is, right? It’s like the effects, you know, it’s the behavior of it, and I can feel the sadness of that. I can even feel the shame in that.

And honestly, this is another place where it really helps to seek therapy or outside help on something specific like that so that you can love you for those things that you can’t change and not make them out there wrong or you wrong.

And this is why I really embrace the fuck them energy, not because they’re wrong, but that’s actually likely what we’ve been taught or what’s been modeled for us, right? Like, you’re either going to be pissed back at them or you’re going to roll over like a dead dog, or you’re going to feel sorry for yourself. Nope, nope.

Mostly because none of those things actually feel better. Right. And all of them, you’re giving so much of your power away in deciding that how you feel about yourself is going to be dictated by what they think of you. All three of those scenarios, no matter which one it is, no. Still, like they’re still being the decider of your relationship and fuck ’em.

Energy is about your relationship with you. Let me give you some examples here. So, like, Something I learned like early on in my marriage and I don’t know, like, I don’t know if you all know that I’m a second wife. I’ve been married for 20 years, so my husband and I are only two years apart. So, you know, his first marriage, it only lasted a couple of years.

But in those early days I’d get mad at Trey for sure. Like human beings piss off other human beings, right. But because I assumed the best in him, it wasn’t a deal breaker. Like, I’m not going to divorce him over half the shit, right? Like I assume the best in this man. I assume he has the best intentions, however, wife number one didn’t.

So, he could do the same thing. And it was like, what a horrible human being because she saw the worst in him, and I saw the best in him. This is also how two people can witness the same thing, and the stories that they tell will be very different because the story from the person who assumes the worst in you is going to sound very different than the story from the person who assumes the best of you, and neither person is lying.

Both people are sharing their experience of you, but it will sound entirely different. So, you can see why deciding, like how they think about you is how you should feel about you. Doesn’t make any sense, right? Like it doesn’t make any more sense to decide that the people who see the best in you are the ones who.

Dictate how you define yourself and how you are unapologetically you. It doesn’t make any sense, right? And. It’s so funny. I don’t know why, like, it just is like in crime shows, right? When like why they say material witness testimony can be really unreliable because two people can see the same thing and be like, no, he walked out this door.

No, he grabbed this first. Right? And it happens all of the time, especially in personal relationships, especially when it comes to conversation where, you know, there’s the words that are thinking. That you’re thinking in your head versus the words that come out of your mouth versus the words that they hear versus the words that they process in their brain.

Like, do you see how many different variables add in multiple people? No wonder. No wonder we get multiple stories even amongst the people who assume the worst in you. They’re going to tell different stories of the one. Situation. And even the people who assume the best of you are going to tell different stories about the one situation.

So, like it doesn’t like e in any of those scenarios, you are giving away so much of your power and Fuck ‘em energy is letting the people who see the worst in you go and not try to force them to become someone who doesn’t see the worst in you. Like, fuck ’em. Spend your energy on the people who see the best in you, who, when you fuck up, they’re going to call you out, but because they love you and there’s respect, and they’re going to give you space to be human.

When I assume the best in my husband, I’m able to help, like, help him point out what I hope our relationship is and what I hope he changes in the future. And I give him that space. Doesn’t mean I don’t get pissed off at him and vice versa, right? But we see the best in each other, so we don’t assume that the other person is actually a horrible piece of shit because we want to spend our energy.

On the people who do see the best in us. This also relates to why being unapologetically you is so hard because we are wired for community. And when people say stop caring so much about what other people think, it really misses the mark because it’s so much more nuanced than that. Because if you fuck them right, if you go into fuck ’em energy, you’re going to be left out the cold.

Right? Like what community like. You’ve lost your community. When you detect yourself, when you remove yourself, but real fuck energy, like that’s what your mind tells you, right? Your mind will tell you, ah, I can’t go into fucking energy ’cause then I’m going to be left out in the cold. But when true fucking energy means leaving the one community, that is not for you.

So you can be in the community that is for you, and that’s the community where people assume the best in you. You very much care what these people think of you because you love them and because they’re going to allow you to evolve and grow in their presence. I care very much what Trey thinks of me.

He’s, my people. He’s going to like, let me know. I. What he sees and he’s going to honor the person that I am, and he’s going to help me become more of me by giving me his love and his space. He’s, my people. So as my sister, so as my BFFs, so are my business, be BFFs. I care so deeply about them, and the respect is mutual, and it allows me to be.

Unapologetically me. They allow me to be unapologetically me. Be unapologetically you. Fuck ’em. All right, so anybody who’s seen the Barbie movie, this next part, like some of these words, they are, I’m going to just I have to give homage. They are inspired. By Barbie, but even more so Ken, because fuck em, is I am me.

I know who I am. I am discovering more of who I truly am every single day. I know what I’m made for, what I am meant for, and I’m discovering more of what I’ve been made for every day. The more I heal that relationship with myself, the more I say fuck ’em to the people who assume the worst in me. The more I become more up unapologetically me, the more I truly understand what I’ve made for I am enough.

I am enough, and none of it is defined by what another person, anyone else thinks of me or thinks I should be to make them comfortable or happy. Anybody who saw that movie, you saw what Ken was doing right the entire time, what he was attempting for because he wasn’t embracing that. Like I am meant to ensure my own happiness, my own experience while I am here.

So, every time you find yourself obsessing over what someone else might be thinking of you or you can’t get over, that feels like death sensation of knowing someone’s pissed at you or doesn’t like you, or they’re trash talking you. It’s okay if you find yourself there. Being unapologetically you doesn’t mean that you don’t have moments when you’re not, because you’re a human being and you have to give yourself space to be a human being.

Right? You are a hundred percent going to find yourself obsessing about what other people might be thinking. You’re 100% going to have moments when you’re like, I’m not being very unapologetically me right now. Yeah ’cause you’re human because in any moment, you can stop the obsessing, you can stop the ruminating and the worry and all of that with a simple wait.

You know what? Fuck ’em. I’m telling you right now. As soon as I say those words out loud, it’s like a snap. Because now you know what fuck him really is. It’s not anger, it’s not malice. It’s an emotional punch that you need to snap out of it. And remember who the fuck you are. Okay? So, and also fuck him.

Fuck him is punchy. Okay? That’s 100% my language. It’s definitely the Aries in me coming out. Plus, I have a side dose of ADHD, which means I really obsess, and I really ruminate, and I really spin, and I need a really sharp, powerful with a lot of impact. Emotional punch and fuck ’em work every time. If I were to just like.

Say, okay, but Amy, we’re going to be unapologetically me. Yeah, that, that’s not going to work for me.

That’s not going to work. I need the punch of you know what, fuck ’em. And as soon as I say that out loud, I actually feel the angst drop out of my shoulders. I feel the anxiety fall off. Because I’ve now like, it’s like snap out of it, right? It’s like un hypnotize yourself. Like get yourself out of the spin cycle with the punch, the slap across the face that you need.

Mine is, you know what? Fuck ’em. And as soon as I say that boom, I remember. I remember to turn my energy. Inward to myself, the most important relationship I have, and then outward to the people who assume the best in me. So, you might prefer a different language. Like, you know what fuck him might be like, ah, that’s not what I’m going to say.

I need to say something else. So, whatever your language might be. When I shared when I shared the idea of Fuck him energy in my play more, sell more Facebook group I think that was last week, probably early last week. Someone mentioned the words, let them, which they got from, I guess. And it’s not that I knew I had seen it, but I couldn’t remember who it was.

And it was Mel Robbins a couple of months ago, did a podcast or a live video or something around let them, and now she, I know was also talking about letting people not live up to your expectation of them. And that’s not what this specific episode is about. This is about not trying to live up to other people’s expectations of you, like, not like attempting to be something that’s not used so that you can live up to the expectation of somebody else.

But the word still works. Fuck ’em. You know what? Let them, whatever variation works for you. It’s a punch. It’s a snap out of it to refocus on you and who you were made for.

Now we can’t end this episode until I include this part right here, and you may not like it, but I got you. The truth is, there are people that you assume the worst in.

And I know that it’s true. I mean, at a minimum, let’s be honest, you know, I assume the worst. And the former president of ours who you know, tends to be orange and has the initials of dt, he tends to be in the news a lot. You know, if someone said he kicked a cat today, I’d be like, yep, I bet he did. You know, I.

And here’s the thing. Even if somebody shared a really touching or wonderful story about him, I would either be skeptical about it or I would think he only did that to benefit himself, right? I assume the worst in him, and I guarantee that there are people you do. We can’t leave this conversation that that happens, and I can tell you.

That this was something that really helped me in that relationship with my husband’s first wife. It greatly improved when I stopped assuming the worst in her, and not that she had any idea, right? Like we didn’t actually have a, a regular conversing kind of conversation with her all of the time. But when I stopped assuming the worst in her, I felt so much less, less angst overall.

Around the situation, and I know it’s not easy to do, especially if that person isn’t going to actually change their behavior, but for me, in my day-to-day experience, if I can notice when I’m assuming the worst in someone else and change it to something along the lines of like, you know what? I may not understand everything this person does, but I’m going to assume they’re doing the best.

It doesn’t mean that I suddenly start loving them or I want to hang out with them, like I’m going to love them from afar, but it helps me let that go. And, and this is a little bit of what Mel Robbins was talking about in her. Let them let them fuck ’em.

So are you ready to be unapologetically you and like for real this time because we’re going to embrace some VM energy. I can’t wait to see what you create when you are, keep this episode in your pocket for when you need it and I’ll talk to you next week.

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Thanks so much for listening to the Confident Coaches Podcast. I invite you to learn more. Come visit me at www.amylatta.com and until next week, let’s go do epic stuff.